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May, 2025

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The Onion - NS Version

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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
The onion is a fantastic site that has satirical comedy news headlines. I figured we all have some funny headlines in our brains. Here’s my first one:

Simon Dumont Threatens Quitting Skiing For 7th Time

What funny headlines can you think of?

**This thread was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 9:39:00am
4 years ago
17 1
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skierman
Posts: 8602 - Karma: 9,521
"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"
4 years ago
47 3
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CatdickBojangles
Posts: 6482 - Karma: 66,451
"Jibbin the game releases on Xbox Series and PS5"

"Revision skis announces new models"

"Kid on Newschoolers actually goes to bootfitter"
4 years ago
37 0
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X_MEMESWERVE_XX
Posts: 3945 - Karma: 33,347
skierman"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"


if only
4 years ago
9 0
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GrandThings
Posts: 3305 - Karma: 34,147
"Based on community feedback, local mountain installs actual playground on downhill ski trail"
4 years ago
29 0
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X_MEMESWERVE_XX
Posts: 3945 - Karma: 33,347
"Dolan was Right"
4 years ago
22 1
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Good_Deed
Posts: 1260 - Karma: 1,321
The Bunch buys a heli to further their vision of skiing.
4 years ago
19 0
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eheath
Posts: 61954 - Karma: 126,693
@Sklar used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.
4 years ago
33 0
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Andi_G
Posts: 3102 - Karma: 15,261
New Candide Footage Proven to be the Fagan Twins in a Trenchcoat

i miss brobomb
4 years ago
13 0
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WoFlowz
Posts: 8096 - Karma: 64,485
Vishnu now offering World Cup race skis with 3 layers of metal to go along with the softest skis on the market
4 years ago
19 1
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GrapeHunter
Posts: 2406 - Karma: 8,779
"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical
4 years ago
11 20
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AlaskaDogfart
Posts: 267 - Karma: 2,926
"Fagans to be featured in new film from Strictly"
"Zootspace 2 to release Jan 9"
4 years ago
8 0
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skierman
Posts: 8602 - Karma: 9,521
"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"
4 years ago
6 37
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SuspiciousFish
Posts: 2794 - Karma: 16,914
"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."
4 years ago
17 0
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WoFlowz
Posts: 8096 - Karma: 64,485
skierman"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"


😐 that’s just messed up Scott. Never watching your camelback reviews again
4 years ago
27 2
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deadhead420
Posts: 2123 - Karma: 18,674
grantlewis_dntm"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical


That should have been the title of the "NS is Toxic" thread
4 years ago
8 0
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halfwatt
Posts: 180 - Karma: 2,226
“ @tri_photo actually landed a trick first try”

sorry bro plz don’t destroy me
4 years ago
3 0
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ericforman
Posts: 722 - Karma: 6,213
"Vail Resorts promises to use revenue from increased pass sales to groom the entire mountain, further enhancing the visitor experience."

"CDOT enforces traction law, local moose take over slopes due to 98% decline in skier visitation."

"Araphoe Basin replaces all lifts with rope tows, locals rejoice."
4 years ago
14 0
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Biffbarf
Posts: 7439 - Karma: 79,720
skierman"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"

Sociopath vibes.
4 years ago
14 1
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,475
”Dolans vision of world peace is spot on”
4 years ago
14 0
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,475
”Skierman has a great haircut”

4 years ago
30 0
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r00kie
Posts: 5238 - Karma: 59,602
Mount Bohemia hires a real social media manager, diehard fans accuse them of selling out.
4 years ago
6 0
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deadhead420
Posts: 2123 - Karma: 18,674
Skiblade420”Skierman has a great haircut”



I feel like skierman has so much less power on this site now that this pic keeps getting posted
4 years ago
22 1
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,475
He definitely has been more low key because of it, it’s hilarious.

I’m never gonna stop with it either.



@deadhead420

**This post was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 8:08:31pm
4 years ago
6 0
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GayWolf420
Posts: 38105 - Karma: 129,826
"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."
4 years ago
28 0
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halfwatt
Posts: 180 - Karma: 2,226
"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"



is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that
4 years ago
3 0
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Casey
Posts: 8017 - Karma: 26,918
SuspiciousFish"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."


Oh man I lost on that one. “Yes eh can you teach how your little swish swish move at 100kmph?”
4 years ago
5 0
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Casey
Posts: 8017 - Karma: 26,918
halfwatt"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"



is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that


Vail celebrates partnership with WSDOT: New sign installed across Highway 2 reads “go the fuck home!”
4 years ago
7 0
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theabortionator
Posts: 52626 - Karma: 174,621
"Vail Adds Backyard Setup in Idaho to Epic Pass"

https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Vail-Adds-Backyard-Setup-Idaho-Epic-Pass
4 years ago
20 0
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SofaKingSick
Posts: 9741 - Karma: 65,767
DeebieSkeebies"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."


or "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"
4 years ago
13 0
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PsychicMigration
Posts: 2099 - Karma: 10,552
Abraham Cain smokes weed

**This post was edited on Nov 18th 2021 at 1:06:55pm
4 years ago
7 0
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deadhead420
Posts: 2123 - Karma: 18,674
"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"
4 years ago
6 0
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r00kie
Posts: 5238 - Karma: 59,602
mrk127"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"


Sounds more like a National Enquirer headline hahah
4 years ago
5 0
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SuspiciousFish
Posts: 2794 - Karma: 16,914
"Schweitzer mountain builds new high end development with heli pad, wonders why rich people wont ski whiteout conditions."
4 years ago
8 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Stevens Pass Selling Terrain Park Features To Fund Vail CEO's Vacation Home Build"
4 years ago
10 0
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extravert
Posts: 1113 - Karma: 3,203
this is fun






4 years ago
22 0
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GayWolf420
Posts: 38105 - Karma: 129,826
SofaKingSickor "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"

"Colorado Native finally a resident of the state of Colorado after years of going on ski trips with mom and dad and moving from the east coast."
4 years ago
12 0
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skierman
Posts: 8602 - Karma: 9,521
"Wyoming 2nd Home Native Declares Son is Expert after Skiing Rendezvous Bowl"
4 years ago
14 2
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AaronO.
Posts: 1165 - Karma: 3,189
grantlewis_dntm"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical



4 years ago
4 1
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BingPow
Posts: 579 - Karma: 5,672
Color blind man opens indoor rock climbing gym
4 years ago
11 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Elizabeth Swaney Hosting A Flatbox Rail Jam"
4 years ago
9 0
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Butterytips69
Posts: 732 - Karma: 8,231
“2 Inches overnight at an east coast resort. Nobody freaks tf out over the pow day”
4 years ago
2 0
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theabortionator
Posts: 52626 - Karma: 174,621
"Weed skiing and the Mass exodus east"

[URL]https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Weed-Skiing-Mass-Exodus-East[/URL]

From MA legalizing weed a few years back. Playing on the hype from everyone moving out west.
4 years ago
3 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Tanner Hall Claims Real Skiing Can Be On Real Earth Not Just Real Mountains"
4 years ago
4 0
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skierman
Posts: 8602 - Karma: 9,521
"8 Years On, Kelly Sildaru Still Dominant doing the Same Run"
4 years ago
10 0
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Charlie_Kelly
Posts: 11955 - Karma: 12,308
Skiblade420”Skierman has a great haircut”



4 years ago
5 1
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cndr
Posts: 163 - Karma: 880
4 years ago
11 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Snoqualmie Pass Claims Pineapple Express As Tropical Bonus For Skiing"
4 years ago
3 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
“1000 Skis Claims Their One-of-a-Kind Unique Ski Makes The Entire Mountain a Playground”
3 years ago
6 0
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SmokedGouda
Posts: 1233 - Karma: 6,874
CDOT will now give out free coffee to I70 weekend warriors: “They need the strength to pull through”
3 years ago
4 0
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Stuuuuuuuuuu
Posts: 380 - Karma: 2,080
eheath@Sklar used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.


Forgot about the radish. Would be so sick if he brought that back
3 years ago
5 1
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