Having known the guys for a long time, we at Newschoolers.com approached Pit Viper to see if we could weasel some sweet Larry Enticer money out of their bank account. Turns out, cash was the easy part. The trouble was getting their drunk marketing “team” to agree on a what a paid article should look like. So, after months of waiting for them to approve the drafts I wrote, I finally went to the office to brainstorm.
Seriously, they actually are a business...
...regardless of how unlikely that might seem
They showed me the wardrobe, a 10x10 room loaded with rollerblades, one-pieces, and mullet wigs, then took me downstairs. Flipping on the disco ball light fixture in the “Bored Room,” we cracked open some cheap beers (at 10am) and started brainstorming. Let me remind you, they paid us to run this article. Here’s what we came up with:
Profit margins are up(side-down)wards of 5318008
10:10am: We’d promote an application for their full penetration ski porn.
Pit Viper wants Newschoolers to collect names and info for people who want to be in a ski-themed porn movie. Full penetration. They said the working title could be “Hot Dog the Corn Hole ...The Movie” If you're confused, watch this.
10:40am: Running a full page ad in Freeskier that just says “Fuck Newschoolers”
That’s it. They said they’d pay for it.
10:41am: “Boobs wearing sunglasses”
That’s all I wrote down, actually. Not sure what we were thinking with that idea. They don’t remember either.
11:30am: Publishing a photoshopped image of Jon Olsson wearing Pit Vipers, having sex with Lindsey Vonn from the 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, but she has that classic shouting Tanner Hall face
So…. yeah. They made that image, but we’re legally not allowed to post it. So it’s here.
11:32am: Jon Olsson Sues Pit Viper
The follow up article to above.
11:45am: Pit Viper Presents: Social Media Skier of the Year
Actually this concept was reasonable: A mock-award for the biggest try-hard skiers in social media. This year’s nominees would include Julian Carr, Caroline Gleich, Brody Levin, Sierra Quitiquit, Wibbity Wabs, and Giray Dadali. The award goes to Wabs, because Newschoolers.
12:14pm: Pit Viper Hires Eheath
As “Director of Making Fun of Children on the Internet.” We support this, and hope they actually hire him.
12:32pm: “Fuck Pit Viper”
This was an article explaining why Pit Viper is ruining skiing. I still think this is a good idea, actually.
That’s it, because the “brainstorm” turned to off-topic drunken gibberish. Then we continued to email for weeks, liked none of the ideas, and posted this instead. And Pit Viper paid us for it. Frankly, I doubt they’ll ever see this.
Moral of the story? I had way too much fun drinking morning beers with the Pit Viper crew, discussing ways to upset the Newschoolers community. Pit Viper paid us for an article because they genuinely care about skiing, and value what we do here at Newschoolers. They asked me to “please not include a link to our site(/please not include our names).” I asked them if I could “please come hang out soon.”
That said, if you want to be in the Pit Viper full penetration ski porn, apply below: