Hello, readers,

Your judicious decision to open Newschoolers, and your fortuitous circumstance of discovering this article, has granted us the opportunity to make known to one another a phenomenal condition of recent days.

I, your majestic and cunning member as of late, have been unleashing a fury of quality, informative posts into the forums these last few days. If you’re not familiar with my posts, then you will be very soon, as they are of objectively superior quality to all other user contributions, and have begun to spread wide and deep throughout the site.

My posts are written with ardor; lit aflame and brought to life with unparalleled talent; inoculated with spores of love that pertain to the nucleus of our oneness—our human spirit. Upon delving into one of my posts, that oneness we share—that known, yet inarticulable sense of connection—will rear its head, reminding us of our kinship; christening us in a body of comradery, before sending us off, together, on a journey of intellectual discovery that only a beautifully composed, harmonious symphony of English letters arranged purposely into phonetic order can make possible. The completion of one of my posts has been likened by some to the slow release of a valve. Most will experience a delay of understanding, and a neurosis of doubt, before, alas, it all makes sense at once, and a smug grin spreads by its own power across my much-appreciated guest’s face.

Thank you for your time,

- President Skroob