Last week a man was rescued in the backcountry, he was trying to avoid lift lines by canoeing. He was done with high lift prices and decided to take a stand against Vail “what an original idea”. He then decided to sell his season pass for a canoe. We know what you’re thinking, but we’re talking about a guy that risked his life in a canoe to skiing.
While this might sound like a tale of mental instability for non-skiers, this happens more than you think. The grind to go skiing has the following side effects: breakups, poverty, loneliness, insomnia, OCD, impulse buys, broken bones, broken gear, broken hearts, addiction, daydreaming, missed holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and also happiness. People who get mad, angry and worried may include girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, friends, family, work, doctors, etc... It’s all worth it in the end when the freedom and the feeling like nothing else in the world matters. That's all great and all, until the feeling disappears as you tumble down the hill gear flying and snapping like your bones and you wonder what was so great about hucking your body on two planks of wood down a hill in the first place. However, this man took everything to the extreme by knowingly risking his life.
What made him even more crazy is the fact that the water in the river was -30 degrees fahrenheit and the air only 9 degrees. However, this didn’t deter him because he was wearing the new breakthrough space jello jacket worth 500 dollars. Why was this guy worrying about lift ticket prices if he had a 500 dollar jacket. In addition to the jello coat, he brought his avalanche gear and 3 pairs of skis, because Newschoolers couldn’t agree on what skis he should bring even after asking under three alias accounts and in gear and ski gabber. He also had a liberty mutant as an oar. Who needs food and shelter when you have four thousand dollars worth of ski gear and a 700 dollar oar?
Somehow the park rangers never noticed his Subaru parked at the trail head for a week where his adventure began. Authorities have come to the conclusion that its because the only people who park there drive Subarus. However when you park in the city and the meter runs over three second later you get a ticket. After he parked there he dragged his canoe to the river where he paddled upstream. He then setup camp for the night but his canoe floated away after he swore it was anchored and camp for the night turned into the whole week. You might be wondering how it floated away without him noticing. According to him while he was setting up his lightweight tent and became distracted becasue “single person setup” actually means "requires only one army to set up". After that he skied for multiple days completely oblivious to the the fact that a rescue crew was on their way.
The rescue went down last week as we are now sharing the news. He was in the B********y for over a week util rescuers came. ( you might be wondering why this word is censored if you don't know then this article probably isn’t for you). It all started late last week when backcountry snowmobilers reprted an overturned canoe with a trump sticker on it, and decided to call it in because it offended them. From there it took two days for rescue teams to get called in because there was a sale at tim hortons. ( they later claimed that the cop stereotype wasn’t true when we interviewed them). Once the search officially began rescuers followed his tracks from where the canoe was initially reported. The tracks led deep into the mountains where, surprisingly, they found the man perfectly healthy slashing pow turns. When they approached him he asked them to take pics for the gram.
After they took hundreds of pictures to get one that finally pleased him, they convinced the man to come back with them in their helicopter because they claimed to know how to get to Chads Gap. Then he was flown to the nearest hospital to be treated for his shin bang. We then managed to get an interview with the man and asked him a boat load of questions but he wouldn’t tell us anything until we offered him some Newschoolers stickers for compensation which he practically ripped our arm off for. When asked what his motivations were he stated that he was so fed up with lift lines that he risked his life to try and find untracked pow. When we asked why the premise of finding chads gap lured him out of the mountains he responded by saying “I thought it was blown up by ski patrol, but I knew I’d never get another chance, so I went with them. I later found out they’ve been using the trick on people for years.
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