So around Valentine’s Day this year I was at snow summit in big bear and there was this dark haired goddess of a woman with eyes brighter than my entire future. You might say I was just fooled by her face mask and slut strands, that I was being tricked by some reptilian crooked smiled yellow teeth shit bunny, but brothers... I digress. I am 573% confident that underneath her mask was a glizzy gawkertron 9000 that would send my ass straight to the 8th dimension.
my first plan of attack was to say hello, slyly pulling my mask below my nose, so that she would see me as both compliant, yet a bit of a bad boy.
I said hello, asked her how she was doing, she smiled and responded so I made a joke asking why she hasn’t been answering my phone calls, she’s both confused and laughing calling at me to explain what I meant. I give her a smirk and look forward completely ignoring her, both because I have no idea where to go with the joke and also to signal that I didn’t give a shit about her at all. Bag secured boys, bag secured.
I formulate stage two of my plan. I grab her a small stick from the woods on my way down and place it in my pocket. I’m going to say I found it for her as a gift and that it reminded me of her brown hair. If she laughs then I’ll know she either has a decent sense of humor, or is fake laughing because she still thinks I’m sexually attractive. The other side of the spectrum is that she doesn’t understand at all that I’m joking and views me as either a predator or someone with brain trauma. The perfect test to gauge if I she fawks with me.
I have it all planned out in my mind, she laughs and thinks I’m hilarious. I take one more lap, hit her with the what are you up to later shit, we end up getting drinks, dating, married, having children, divorced, then getting back together, and dying together relatively happy. All because I found her a stick. I was also really banking that she was lonely as faaaawk and didn’t have a Valentine and was super insecure about it.
I get back in line and after a long wait I am finally at the chairs, ready to get on, but to my despair this fine maiden had disappeared and I was left there disheartened. Failed. Alone. Days went by, life moved on, I moved on. All until weeks later I was finally unloading snow gear that I had forgotten in my truck. I hang up my gloves in my room, my jacket too, then go to grab my pants. I feel something in the pocket, expecting too pull out a pair of headphones, gum or beef jerky. You could only imagine my emotions as I pulled out the stick I had picked up for her on that beautiful blue bird day. The stick that I had forgotten. The stick that never was.