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LJ Poem

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yung-lean
Posts: 511 - Karma: 2,447
I had to make a poem at school on someone who has shown resilience, I picked LJ Sterino, I put a lot of work so feel free to give critique.

As his skis lift off,
two rotations to a handrail,
his ski slipped off like as if the handrail was made out of ice,
his kneecap shattered like a china bowl falling onto a wooden floor,
he screamed and screamed,
the pain in his knee he just couldn’t block away,

Taken to a Finland hospital like a dog going to a vet.
Doctor said he could walk again but never to ski,
skiing was his all and everything.
When he came home he was bed locked day after day,

As he looked at the ceiling, he said to himself “I am not a victim,
“I will ski again.”

Physical therapy was his life for the next year,
He could picture himself winning competition after competition,
Then he remembered his knee.

Being cared to bed by girlfriend,
from winning 1st place at rails to riches.
Stronger than ever.
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Dec 16 2014 3:07PM
67 5
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gnarballsianm
Posts: 621 - Karma: 703
OP is true MVP
Dec 16 2014 3:11PM
6 1
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270on420out
Posts: 7506 - Karma: 51,052
Would have been better if the rymhe scheme wasn't a complete fucking trainwreck.
Dec 16 2014 3:43PM
22 2
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stljacob
Posts: 33 - Karma: 207
Can't even tell what you are trying to do here as far as rhyme/poetry stuff, did you turn this thing in? Otherwise, topic is a pretty cool one I guess.
Dec 16 2014 4:17PM
2 0
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louie.mirags
Posts: 6015 - Karma: 5,029
seems a little wordy.. In the first stanza after ski slipped off you don't need the "like" there
Dec 16 2014 4:53PM
0 0
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CheddarJack
Posts: 5203 - Karma: 7,380
I'm a fan of poetry and like to think I know a thing or two so I'll chime in with my two cents...

First, it lacks a good meter, as in it doesn't flow very nicely. Were you going for any type of poem in particular or just freeform? Going off a popular form is never a bad starting point.

Also, your similes need work. They should only add to already created image, not create an entirely new one. For example, I would change "shattered like a china bowl falling onto a wooden floor" to something like "shattered like fallen china." It's quick, gets the point across, and doesn't misdirect the meaning of the line. When you add in "bowl" and "wooden floor", it creates too complex of an image that ruins the flow of the poem.

You also jump around a lot. From the handrail to the pain to the hospital to the doctor to his dreams to his bed back to his dreams to PT back to his dreams again to his girlfriend to R2R to recovery... Also, try to stay away from specifics unless they're going to add detail to the image you're conveying.

The last stanza is like "andthenhegotbetterandwonacompetitiontheend." Give some more conclusion! If you want to keep it short, add some more emotion to the build up to the happily ever after ending. Without it, the reader is just left sitting there thinking "oh, that's cool." Instead, they should be happy for him for overcoming the hardship and for being resilient.

Hope you make some sense of this and you agree with some of it!
Dec 16 2014 4:55PM
7 0
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J_BISCHOF
Posts: 2082 - Karma: 1,449
Moon_ShoesWould have been better if the rymhe scheme wasn't a complete fucking trainwreck.


poetry doesnt have to rhyme bud

CheddarJackI'm a fan of poetry and like to think I know a thing or two so I'll chime in with my two cents...

First, it lacks a good meter, as in it doesn't flow very nicely. Were you going for any type of poem in particular or just freeform? Going off a popular form is never a bad starting point.

Also, your similes need work. They should only add to already created image, not create an entirely new one. For example, I would change "shattered like a china bowl falling onto a wooden floor" to something like "shattered like fallen china." It's quick, gets the point across, and doesn't misdirect the meaning of the line. When you add in "bowl" and "wooden floor", it creates too complex of an image that ruins the flow of the poem.

You also jump around a lot. From the handrail to the pain to the hospital to the doctor to his dreams to his bed back to his dreams to PT back to his dreams again to his girlfriend to R2R to recovery... Also, try to stay away from specifics unless they're going to add detail to the image you're conveying.

The last stanza is like "andthenhegotbetterandwonacompetitiontheend." Give some more conclusion! If you want to keep it short, add some more emotion to the build up to the happily ever after ending. Without it, the reader is just left sitting there thinking "oh, that's cool." Instead, they should be happy for him for overcoming the hardship and for being resilient.

Hope you make some sense of this and you agree with some of it!


this is great advice
Dec 16 2014 5:06PM
2 0
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Line_Skis
Posts: 1987 - Karma: 37,522
Cheezy!

Neato poem.

Did you give us a shout at the LINE HQ about this school project? We tried calling you back at the number you gave us but the number wasn't in service. Sorry!
Dec 16 2014 6:04PM
6 0
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Basil91
Posts: 123 - Karma: 593
Tanner Poem

No truer words were spoken
than "my ankles are broken"

His speed on entry foretoken
He would be heartbroken

His ankles were broken
Dec 16 2014 6:44PM
12 0
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gnarballsianm
Posts: 621 - Karma: 703
Basil91Tanner Poem

No truer words were spoken
than "my ankles are broken"

His speed on entry foretoken
He would be heartbroken

His ankles were broken


Never mind, this guy = true mvp, shits gold
Dec 18 2014 2:33AM
2 0
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JAHBRADOR
Posts: 3003 - Karma: 16,947
Basil91Tanner Poem

No truer words were spoken
than "my ankles are broken"

His speed on entry foretoken
He would be heartbroken

His ankles were broken


Just cmd C cmd V this into word and hand it in OP. this wins.
Dec 18 2014 6:06AM
0 0
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Slush
Posts: 1914 - Karma: 12,942
CheddarJackI'm a fan of poetry and like to think I know a thing or two so I'll chime in with my two cents...

First, it lacks a good meter, as in it doesn't flow very nicely. Were you going for any type of poem in particular or just freeform? Going off a popular form is never a bad starting point.

Also, your similes need work. They should only add to already created image, not create an entirely new one. For example, I would change "shattered like a china bowl falling onto a wooden floor" to something like "shattered like fallen china." It's quick, gets the point across, and doesn't misdirect the meaning of the line. When you add in "bowl" and "wooden floor", it creates too complex of an image that ruins the flow of the poem.

You also jump around a lot. From the handrail to the pain to the hospital to the doctor to his dreams to his bed back to his dreams to PT back to his dreams again to his girlfriend to R2R to recovery... Also, try to stay away from specifics unless they're going to add detail to the image you're conveying.

The last stanza is like "andthenhegotbetterandwonacompetitiontheend." Give some more conclusion! If you want to keep it short, add some more emotion to the build up to the happily ever after ending. Without it, the reader is just left sitting there thinking "oh, that's cool." Instead, they should be happy for him for overcoming the hardship and for being resilient.

Hope you make some sense of this and you agree with some of it!


Damn I didn't know NS had so many intellectuals
Dec 18 2014 3:11PM
0 1
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