Ski essay

Is this essay for school, a contest?

If it's all good with you I might correct the grammar and word some sentences differently then PM you that version.

Its a rough draft that is due tomorrow. Ill fix it then and yes its for school.

OO and you can do that

What do you mean by the sentence "Now I am most knowledgeable in the ski industry," ?

I dont know i was thinking of taking it out. I don't really like it either.

I don't want to be mean, but that is terrible.  Its blandness prevents you from effectively conveying your love for the sport. 

I'd recommend making it more of a narrative.  Describe one specific experience you had skiing that you feel really embodies your relationship with skiing. 

Oh, and before you tell us, I want to take a guess at what level class you're in. 

CP English 10.  How close am I?

I wrote this for my English class last year. We had to write a descriptive essay describing a moment that we will compare the rest of our lives to. It was also kind of fun because we had to write in third person.


The journey consists of a 1 hour drive to Philadelphia, a 4 hour flight to Denver, and a 1 hour drive to Winter Park. Billy can hardly sleep in the condo the night he arrives because he knows that the greatest skiing of his life is only a few hours away. He awakens to a fresh foot of snow on the ground and an uncontrollable urge to rush up to Winter Park Ski Resort in order to conquer the untouched powder. Billy and his dad jump in their rental car, skis in tow, and begin the unbearably long 5 minute maiden voyage to the mountain. They park the car, purchase their ski tickets, and board the chairlift. After about a five minute ride, Billy gets off the lift, turns around, and for the first time he witnesses the majestic horizon that is the Rocky Mountains.
The trip cannot possibly be going better. A plethora of snow is falling every day, and Billy is having the absolute time of his life. He is on a snow induced high and nothing in the world can bring him down. The joy, no, the pure unadulterated pleasure he gets from carving through the knee-deep powder bowls or racing through the immaculate snow in the trees is nothing like he has ever experienced before in his entire life. He does not want to stop, so he continues to lap the mountain continuously riding chairlifts up and exploring new trails on the way down. He is on a constant hunt for the finest of powder, and he is not afraid to duck into the trees, risking life and limb, if there is a chance that he can find some of the fluffy stuff. He knows that the conditions of his beloved home ski area, Blue Mountain, will never match the caliber of this, so he must savor every moment he can during this astounding trip. Needless to say, by the end of the trip Billy has fallen head over heels in love with Winter Park and Colorado in general, and he never wants to return to humdrum Bethlehem and leave his amazing newfound home.
Unfortunately, on a sad Sunday morning Billy must wake up and catch a flight at the Denver International Airport. He hopes and prays that one day he will be back to relive his awe-inspiring experiences over again. On his long, heartbreaking trek back to Pennsylvania, Billy tries to complete some schoolwork that he missed because of his incredible vacation, but he cannot focus when thoughts of whiteout blizzards and breathtaking skiing are floating around in his head. Billy is almost near tears because the instant emotional bond he formed with skiing out West is being ripped right out from under him. Billy knows that this trip has now officially concluded, but the joy of the adventure continues to live in him. He took some pictures to show everyone back at home, but Billy has irreplaceable memories and experiences all his own to forever remind himself of the enjoyment he lived through on his original ski trip to Colorado.

your close 11 haha

Why don't you choose a more important topic that actually matters.

i did better writing then this as a freshmen. its sort of bland lack details and is really short. use descriptive and juicy words.

your still s better writer than me so k+ and BUMP

If that is an essay for a junior class that is the most pitiful thing ever My teacher would probably wipe his ass with that if he saw it

needs a lot of work dude.  probably will suffice as a rough draft in a high school english class but i would definitely edit and rewrite the shit out of that before the final is due.  its not everyday that a teacher gives you the freedom to write about something that you are truly passionate about.  definitely take advantage of the opportunity.  i wrote several published works in college...feel free to pm me if you would like to discuss the essay further. 

I did this type of essay last year, sadly i deleted it, but my teacher loved when i put that skiing for me was a way to get away from everything, when im skiing my mind is clear and nothing else in the world matters. id put something like that in if i were u

my thoughts exactly.

Ya, like everyone else said it needs some work. Start off with your introductory paragraph, primarily the first sentence. The introductory sentence is crucial in a good essay. You need something that really draws the audience in, makes them want to read more. Currently it is admittedly a little dull.

And your essay should defiantly be more focused. Currently it is very generic. And therefore bland.

P.S. I don't mean to be rude, and I know it's a lot easier to tell someone how to write an essay then actually write one... Good Luck xD

ditto. since you are almost finished highschool, i hope you learned something about essays as they will be crucial in university. from this essay, id guess it was from a grade 8-9 level.. get used to MLA format, proper sentences, grammar, transitions, etc. i can tell you now that the content and the length is not good enough. put more effort and have at least an introduction, 3 paragraphs, and a conclusion. dont think length is a number one priority, just in the top 5. quality > quantity

WEAK

Here is one that I wrote from my senior year in high school