Connor Mills
Yummy Food
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Alright so heres the deal. Im supposed to write a paper on food! Uhh hello everyone who is writing any paper is going to be on food, we all have to eat it to stay alive. That’s why I think your paper is stupid professor. Alright… so you want a food paper. Well here I go. So you can get cheeseburgers from a lot of places… yum yea no. theyre really gross depending on where you get them! See that? I lied. A cheeseburger is good no matter where you go to get it! This was your first logic mistake. Thinking that what I write is going to be anything close to the truth at all. Okay lets move one… corn dogs. Now corn dogs are a touchy subject because when girls eat them its hot but when guys eat the corn dogs they look reallll gay. Regardless they are quite good and should not be fucked with. Alright so we took care of those puppys. NEXT pizza. Now if you take another z and you just add it to the end of pizza… you get a pizzaz parlor. There should be a chain of restaraunts called that. Man this city has a lot of pizzaz! Oh dude.. pizzaz! Yea I would probably expect all of the people to work there to be pretty blinged out with pizza buttons and shit like that. I mean it’s the fuckin pizzaz parlor bitches. Yea so that’s my idea. Alright so with your food youre probably gonna be hella thirsty so I would recommend a nice glass of milk. The reason I say milk is because mil makes you invincible and its good for you too. It makes you invincible because your bones get leveled up every time you have a fucking glass. Its like a fuckin rare candy or some shit for humans man. There are other drink options too… but most of them will make you fat and give you diabetes. You don’t want to end up like that old guy with a moustache on the tv commercials. That shit is tough to deal with. So next topic. Lunchables. If you think lunchables are food youre a fucking idiot next. Sandwiches. Your wench should fetch you a sandwich at any time you desire. Now a sandwich is like a personality. Each sandwich is very very unique. Some sandwiches have dark bread and some have white… some sandwiches have a lot of meat and some don’t… poor things. Alright so I guess since we are talking about food we can talk about the food service. I was involved in the food business and it pretty much sucked ass! I sat around and played with everything possible. But when we were slammed it was like hell on earth and everyone would flip shits and go insane. I’m pretty sure that the food business is the reason why people end up in psycho wards. Not kidding at all. Okay back to what we all care about… food! Next up we are going to talk about sauces and what they say about you. So we can start off with the basics. Ketchup: ketchup means that you are a chill motherfucker who enjoys life to the fullest! Mustard: mustard means that somewhere somehow you fucked up in life and you are eating this terrible yellow substance to punish yourself for what you know you did wrong. Mustard is the devils nectar. Mayo: eating mayo means that you do like a bit of excitement in your life. Eating a lot of mayo means youre a fat ass. Get used to it. And stop eating so much mayo. FRY SAUCE: a lot of people don’t know about fry sauce… so basically you take ketchup and mayo and mix them together. Then you add just a touch of BBQ sauce. When I say just a touch I mean like 2 drops per gallon. Now in the end you get this pink substance that is the most delicious thing you will have ever had in your entire life. Eating fry sauce means you are one classy mother fucker who knows whats up in his food business. And finally, relish: If you like relish I don’t want to know you. Get the fuck off of our planet and go back to wherever you cam from you alien scum. No human likes relish. So if you see someone eating relish at your local Costco, it is safe to assume that they are aliens harboring refuge on our planet illegally and you may dispose of them using your best judgment. Well what other kinds of foods do we have. Okay how about Asian food! Now Asian food is really good but you have to watch for the signs up pet abuse. If you are eating chicken that is in random shapes and sizes and has a constantly changing consistency… you are eating a dog. I highly recommend you throw up and go about your day like it never happened. Otherwise Asian food is 84% safe to consume. Mexican food: the most authentic Mexican food can be found at mcdonalds! It is suprising but if you think about it…. It is authentically made and served by real live Mexicans!! Do not feed or touch them. But you can take the food when it is offered to you! Okay, so that covers a lot of things but not seafood. Shrimp is an acceptable form of food but only when joined with a glass of white whine. Any kind of sushi is a little fucked up. Have you seen finding nemo? Yea you just ate that fucker. Maybe for dessert you should have a bowl of stoner turtle soup. Alright well this essay has been real fun to write but I have to go snort a few lines of coke off of some hookers ass cheeks. You know how it is, gotta keep them hoes in line so they can make me my fucking sandwiches and shit. This concludes my essay on food.
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