Narrator: Once upon a time in a land not so far away and not so long ago, there were two Canadians, Cedric and his good friend Mercer. One day Cedric had a grand idea.
Mercer: What do ya want to do today eh?
Cedric: lets go rob a swiss bank account.
Mercer: well that sounds like a grand idea.
Narrator: and so they were off to switerland. Home of the alps and Simon Ammann who won the gold in the 2002 winter Olympics for ski jumping.
Cedric: well we are in Switzerland but I don’t see any banks eh?
Mercer: I know, lets ask a friendly local who may like techno music and most likely enjoys chocolate.
Cedric: sure… lets ask those people for help
(Mercer starts to put on his ski mask)
Cedric: What are you doing?!?! We aren’t robbing these people, we are asking for directions.
Mercer: oh yea
(mercer taps the father of a family of five. The father turns around)
Father Robinson: hi, im the father from the swiss family robinson.
Mercer: hey I read about you! You were on that island and made a sick tree house! My name is Mercer! We should hang out or something!
Cedric: yea hi, uh do you know how to get to the swiss bank accounts?
Father Robinson: well sure, they are down the street and to the left, good luck!
Cedric: thank you very much
(ced and mercer start walking down the street towards the bank)
Mercer: hey, what did he mean by goodluck?
Cedric: im not sure… he seemed a little bit crazy.
(ced and mercer get to the bank and put down their masks)
Cedric: alright, where is all of the money?!
Teller: the money is located within several locked vaults, a locked gate, and then inside of a safety deposit box. There is no chance you will get it.
Mercer: that sounds like too much work. Im just going to steal you.
(Mercer hits the teller on the head and knocks him out. He then picks up the teller and runs away. Once he gets outside he realizes he has no car. Thinking quickly, he puts the teller in the trunk of a random car and then steals it. Cedric gets in and mercer begins to drive. After a little bit, mercer stops)
Mercer: ok I think we are safe
Cedric: What the heck are you doing? You cant steal a person!
Mercer: Well I just did, now where should we bring him?
Cedric: lets hog tie him and quickly bring him into a swiss hotel
Mercer: wow, these streets are really clean
Cedric: Would you stay focused?
Mercer: what?
Cedric: nevermind, lets go tie him up
Mercer: will duct tape work? I don’t think we have rope in Canada.
Cedric: yea sure
(ced and mercer begin to tape him up and are just about finished when two swiss gaurds approach them)
swiss guard 1: hello boys, whats in the trunk?
(ced quickly moves to block the view of the gaurds and mercer keeps taping. Ced elbows him and mercer turns around and also blocks the view. Speaking at the same time)
Mercer: it’s an ass
Ced: a dog
(again speaking at the same time)
Mercer: it’s a dog
Ced: a donkey
(only ced this time)
Cedric: it’s a donkey dog, a Canadian thing
Swiss guard 2: right… well if everything is under control then we will leave you be.
Swiss guard 1: yes, enjoy your stay and make sure you eat one of our many over priced, 20$ cheeseburgers.
Mercer: I like cheeseburgers
Cedric: thank you very much and have a nice day
(ced and mercer wait a little longer before struggling to get the body out of the car.)
Mercer: man this teller ways more than rosie o’donald
Cedric: he is also not very flexable
( a patch of the shirt covering the tellers right nipple that mercer was tugging on rips off)
Mercer: opps, must have been a wardrobe malfunction
(person holds up a sign that says ‘ Laugh’)
Cedric: sure, lets just get him inside
Intermission/commercial
Young girl: mmmmm this sure is good chocolate. Oh uh, hello there! My name is Pipi, Pipi Longstockings. I just love the taste of lindt chocolate, don’t you? The truffles are the best, they have such a smooth and creamy center. But I wont keep them all for myself, if you want some then you can come see us at the lindt dealership!. Right now we are selling 10 for 100$ with as little as 10$ cash down!. So come hurry on down to tuffelmire’s and buy now, we’ll match any price!
Buy now and receive no intrest until 2004. Financing is available for qualified buyers. 3.0% apr for qualified buyers only. Payment plans for monthly and bi-monthly only Please ask employee for details.
Scene 2
(ced and mercer are carrying the body. They walk over to a bed and throw the teller on to the bed.)
Ced: ill go check us in, you stay here with the teller. Make sure he doesn’t wake up.
( ced walks to stage right as mercer stays with the body on the bed at stage left. Ced goes to the woman behind the counter. As ced is getting the room, mercer picks up a phone and begins fake talking into it)
Girl: hello sir, I am the swiss miss! How may I help you?
Ced: uh ok, I just want to rent a room for a few days.
Swiss miss: ok, that will be 700 hundred dollars.
Ced: are you crazy? The beds better be water beds, the tv better be in 3d, and I better get unlimited hot chocolate for that price!
Miss: look do you need a room to hide the body or not?
Ced: What body? I don’t have a body! How would you know about that?
Miss: of course not, so are you getting a room or not?
Ced: yea…..
Miss: that room right over there is your room.
Ced: thanks
(Ced walks back over to the bed.)
Mercer: hey, did you get the room?
Ced: yea, have any trouble with this guy?
Mercer: Nope
Ced: now we have to think about what to do with this guy…
Mercer: one step a head of you, I already called the bank and demanded ransom money
Ced: you what?!?!
Mercer: yup, they are dropping $100,000 in unmarked bills in a black brief case in the alley in a half hour. Once we receive the money, we are going to dump him in front of the bank.
Ced: why would they pay us that much money for a teller?
Mercer. Its Switzerland, everything is expensive, even the tellers.
Ced: I see… and youre sure this is all going to work?
Mercer: of course, trust me. Now, Dr. Phil is on and yet another couple is having marriage trouble. Lets watch that until they make the drop.
Ced: whatever
( person walks by with a sign that says thirty minutes later)
(mercer is sniffiling and holding back tears)
Mercer: I hope they pull through, do it for the kids.
Ced: dude, its just some random people who managed to double their 15 minutes of fame.
Mercer: buts its so sad.
Ced: whatever, lets go collect our money and drop off the teller
Mercer: hey, why hasn’t he woken up yet?
Ced: im not sure, is he breathing?
(Mercer puts his hand in front of the tellers nostrils)
Mercer: no
Ced: Well does he have a pulse?!
(mercer checks his neck for a pulse)
Mercer: no
Ced: YOU KILLED HIM?
Mercer: it kind of looks that way doesn’t it?
Ced: HOW CAN WE COLLECT RANSOM FOR A DEAD MAN?
Mercer: the same way you collect ransom for a living man?
Ced: this better work.
(Mercer and Ced carry the teller to stage left again and pick up a black suitcase. They then stuff the teller back into the car and drive around until they arrive at the bank once again.)
Mercer: now what?
Ced: youre asking me?! This was your brilliant idea
Mercer: well I guess we just put him here on the sidewalk
Ced: lets make it fast
(Ced and mercer unload the teller and leave him lying on the ground.)
Ced: lets get out of here
Mercer: right on
Ced: no, seriously, lets get out of here. Lets go back to Canada.
Mercer: ok, lets take a plane back
(Ced and Mercer speed away as quick as possible. Soon enough, they are at the airport)
Ced: hey mercer, try not to kill this teller alright?
Mercer: Uhhhh ok.
Teller: hello and thank you for choosing Air Swiss, how may I help you?
Ced: can we get two tickets for the next flight to Canada?
(Teller looks through some papers)
Teller: sure, one leaves in ten minutes with two tickets in business class available.
Ced: great! Thanks. How much do I owe you?
(teller checks her papers again)
Teller: two tickets for Canada business class will cost you $100,000.
Ced: are you serious?!?!?!
Teller: dead serious
Mercer: ohhh the irony!
Ced: shutup merc, we’ll take them.
(Ced and mercer walk off stage)
Narrator: and the moral of the story is, don’t kill swiss bank tellers and then hold them for randsom because in the end, its going to cost you that much to get home.
there it is, five pages long in word. only read if you are bored. ill let you know how it does in a few weeks
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