Why CU Boulder is awesome

its getting to be that time of year again, freshman orientation is happening and there are many girls walking around in short shorts and low cut tops, its the promised land. Yes y'all, this is the land of CU... now i dont usually talk about what goes on in this magical place but since my night has been extra crazy i think ill share it with you guys. The sad part is that i couldnt drink because i had to be the dd for my friend's birthday, whatever i can get shitty tomorrow, i aint worried. We need back story first: first of all max is still a virgin when this day starts, secondly.

so around 3pm my roommates (there are 3 of them) start pregaming, heavily. the first 2 handles of captian are gone within 30 minutes and a thirty rack of keys quickly follows. we are sitting on our porch at around 4:30 when three girls (reffered to from now on as "hotties") walk by and ask us whats going on because we are loud and obviously drunk. we tell them that its max's birthday and they flip a shit, apparently one of them has her birthday today also. at about 5:00 the hotties are inside doing shots with max and the others, while im stuck rolling the mother of all blunts (probably about an eigth in two wraps, nbd) at 5:10 the hotties invite us to a party at their house, we tell them that we might see them later and send them on their way at about 5:30.
6:00pm max's football friends roll up with vodka and jds. 6:05pm a healthy game of shot pong gets set up in the backyard. 6:20 max throws up and we taunt him mercilessly. 7:00pm with multiple piles of throw up in our backyard and a 6’5” 230lb D1 football player passed out on the lawn we decide that we are done with shot pong and decide to smoke notorious. 7:30 we are done blazin and we decide to go to fatty j’s (local pizza place) and get a f**kload of fat sticks (they are basically hot dough balls with marinara sause, so dank). We get there at around 7:40 and we feast. At around 8:00 we leave and head to our friends house. When we arrive he comes out and tells max to go inside alone. 8:03 max comes out of the house glowing; he looks like he has singlehandedly just convinced LeBron to stay with Clevland. The funny thing was that it actually only took him like 3 minutes, we were counting (we now call him kum’n’go). We go inside to have a few beers and meet the woman who just deflowered our boy, and much to our surprise she wasn’t happy with 6 twisted guys asking her about what just happened, we call her a whore and make fun of all females before we make her leave. At about 9:20 the beer is gone and we are ready to rage. We head over to SAE and shit is already crackin, theres about 50 people there and we were not the drunkest, which is still hard to believe. Not to be out done we immediately go up to our other friends room and start drinking grey goose like we run shit. The party goes on and there are so many sorority girls there I feel as if ive died and gone to heaven. At around 10:30 the party gets sketch, there are too many freshman girls/guys, somebody in the room next door is banging holes through the walls with a sledgehammer (if you read this man, wtf were you doing?) and last but not least someone took all the fire extinguishers in the house and set them off in the hallways, awesome, time to go. It was now about 11:00 so we head over to k’s china and party on the roof. At about 12:00 max and I are talking to this girl who is tripping face (Thursday night chyeaa!) and she tells us how she is on the moon and she cant breathe right now, out of nowhere she picks up a folding chair and runs to the side of the roof and throws it off. She threw a F**KING CHAIR OFF THE ROOF. Apparently no one got hurt but the cops are out in force on these first few weeks so she was quickly taken to jail (ill miss you moon girl). It was now 1:00 we were missing 5 of the original 7 in our group and the remaining two besides me are throwing up and we are quickly on our way to being thrown out, we were “those guys”. The remaining two and I decide to go back to the house so I can start drinking. We arrive to find about 100 people that I didn’t know at our house. Apparently the lost five have been making lots of phone calls. After about 10 hours of solid drinking I actually see my friends hit a wall at the same time, they go down in flames and im left to deal with the 100+ people at my house. Once I finally get shit under control and get everyone out, I was left wondering how almost absolutely nothing insanely bad happened to us and how we all had a great time. I started wondering if there is any other place in the us that this kind of night can be accomplished (vegas, yeah ok) and I realized that this is a truly unique place and I will always love it here. (gay ending I know but I gotta go clean up from the unexpected party that just went on downstairs)