Sorry if this is a repost, i searched and didn't find anything, but some of these are really funny.
1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?
4. Have you
ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the
complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But
instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that
no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly
switching directions on the sidewalk.
5. That's enough, Nickelback.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a
keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and
consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase
"Regards" again.
8. Do you remember when you were a
kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out,
blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in
America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There
was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out.
Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was
younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on
when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it
actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll
end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that
everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a
little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still
the only one who really, really gets it.
12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had
already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to
find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other
side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy
coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game
to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and
that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk
through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize
their own image.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in
each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to
immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm
trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong
contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have
nothing else to say".
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the
Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads,
I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate
us." Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm
street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of
cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as
in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said
"Yes that's G as in...(10 second
lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators
to follow each other?
28.
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.
Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told
you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who
get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants
never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of
tired.
34. Bad decisions make good stories
35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that
their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just
got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind
if I do!
36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier &
sluttier every year?
37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole
room has to go around and say their name and where they are
from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where
I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after
DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're
sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of
people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this
show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing
we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all
get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering
equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but
I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are
executed.
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings
nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer?
Drop the phone and run away?
47. I hate leaving my
house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of
importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning
something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's
on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I
hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to
have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my
disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my
condition in college.
56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't
know what do to with it.
57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, walking, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the
Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed,
first time every time...
58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad
what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond
to that?
59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on
CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that
everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in
the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other
words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to
think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least
four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was
eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat
bastard before dinner.
