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some kid posted that jibberish edit on burton.com
check out what some kids had to say about it:
http://community.burton.com/forums/thread/516567.aspx
^ I am going to disagree with you.
The reason being is the stiff that i posted was not only because I was trying to give attitude.
But i saw every single post on that thread and got pissed and just started typing.
Thats really the way i feel about snowboarders.
I cant stand them.
They talk like gangsters.
Theyre not.
They dress like gangsters.
Theyre not.
They make their sport look hard when it really isn't.
how do i know?
I took up half of lastseason to see if i could learn how to snowboard.
It took me like a month and I was hitting rails at my local mountain.
Skiing to me like a season to get good.
Skiing Still Sucks
Riding the chair the other day – over the snowboard park – I found myself wondering why, exactly, skiing sucks so incredibly much. I was all, “Why does skiing suck so incredibly much?” and like, “What’s with these people who think they are god’s gift to snowflakes? Has anyone pointed out that they blow harder than a Quebec snowmaking machine?”
Glancing left, I found all the answers I could possibly want, and some I’d never have been able to make up. Two of the finest examples of all thing skier-like: Johnny All American A-hole – a.k.a. Mr. Gnarcore New-Schooler – brown and blond leopard-spotted skull fur; and, beside him, Buddy-Biff Instructor, all hair-sprayed up sans hat at -20C, going for a little air-to-the-max on his break from balancing the thin line between professional etiquette and trying to bang any female student over the age of 18. They were riding the chair together in perfect har-mo-ny, like a sappy, hippie-inspired Coke commercial: I’d like to buy the world some skis and keep it company…
*** off. The world is fucked. Get rich, buy votes responsibly and get over it.
So where was I? Oh yeah – skiing sucks. From that brief encounter, I came to these conclusions (it was a really slow chair, so don’t give me any BS about being quick to judge…and I’m not 29 anymore either, so I know what I’m talking about, OK?):
Ø Skiing is experiencing an identity crisis like any middle-aged tit without the balls to realize it’s time to just get old and fat. Threatened by a younger, more appealing counterpart, a period of awkward transition ensures while it tries to endear itself to a world that can only laugh. Over time, society will adjust and accept skiing’s new look. All hope isn’t lost – merely suspended indefinitely pending further review.
Ø Skiing would have died a slow, horrible, mainstream death if it weren’t for snowboarding’s injection of inventiveness in tricks, jump/pipe construction, and back-country freestyle.
Ø Terrain parks were invented to keep snowboarders corralled so skiers wouldn’t complain about the hooligans on their runs, Need I say more? OK I will. Fucking snobs. Go play golf at your private clubs so you don’t have to socialize with the commoners.
Ø Becoming a certified backcountry guide if you are not a skier has been made almost impossible by the governing body in Canada. Congratulations to Scott Newsome and Craig Kelly for putting up with all the bullshit to become certified.
Ø The number of sponsored, paid skiers has exploded since the Glen Plake days. Each should buy the next pro snowboarder they see a beer for showing the snow industry how it needs to pay athletes in order to promote its sports, and build teams in order to create brand identity.
Ø FIS. If I have to explain it to you, you’re a skier. Sorry.
Ø “Switch” skiing? No. It’s backwards skiing. It’s like saying you’re driving switch when you put your car in reverse. Man, I drove to work today in switch – it was sick! Call it fakie if you want, and use it sparingly, but it still looks stupid when you land backwards, Stand up for ***’s sake! Hand dragging is for primates (see next point).
Ø Landing airs: In most athletic pursuits, when someone lands on his side and rebounds up or drags his hands for five metres he has about 50 points taken off for shitty style, and another 50 for shitty balance and execution. That’s zero out of 100. Understand?
Ø Telemarking, free-heeling, or whatever it’s called. Please. If you want to squat all day, you’re not right in the head. If you want to prance around like a fairy, get some tights and hit the cross-country oval, or lock yourself in your room with a Pilates video.
Ø Big-mountain contests: ***! The winner always jumps the biggest cliff into a metre of snow, lands on his side, explodes, stands up and rides away. Basically, the most insane fucker wins with a single act of desperate, crowd-pleasing stupidity. What’s the matter, Mommy didn’t love you?
Ø Trick names: Holy ***. I know skate-boarding, surfing and snowboarding took all the good ones, but c’mon. Do you need to copy names that have been in boardsports for decades? How can you do a Mute Grab on skis? Last time I checked, Mute Grab = front hand on toe edge between bindings – and skis don’t have a toe edge.
Ø Poles.
Ø Walking through resorts, skis slung over your shoulder, swinging them all over the joint while gaping around, smacking people in the chops. It’s really bad Laurel and Hardy skit.
Ø The main reason skiing sucks is the piss-poor attitude of the majority of skiers: that they were the first on the mountains and therefore own them, a superiority similar to the way the rich speak of the poor. The way Mrs. Betty Whitebread from Toronto says, “They’re just so out of control,” or the way Bert Cheesedick from Idaho use to say “It’s just a trend – they’ll grow out of it.”
I could go on, but I’d rather you wrote in and explained why skiing is cool, how it has benefited society, why it deserves respect, or any other reason that it doesn’t lick frozen pole. Skiing is simply the older brother who picked on little brother for way too long, only to have the *** kicked out of him when little brother grew up and realized what an *** he was.
Have a nice day. Happy skiing.
Colin Adair, associate editor of Snowboard Canada.
(now futuresnowboardmegash1ttymagazine)
damn
