hmm, some of my favorites
Hobo: Hey, any of you fellas got a match?
Drunk guy: Yeah I got a match, my ass and your face!
Hobo: I hear ya.
Med student guy #1: Wait up, you're saying that nearsighted means you can't see far? But it should, like, mean that you can't see near.
Med student guy #2: Yeah, I know, it's like backwards or something.
Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you -- you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It's cheap.
SAT prepping kid #1: What's hydrolysis?
SAT prepping kid #2: Dude, don't you play Grand Theft Auto? Hydrolysis is what makes the cars bump up and down.
SAT prepping kid #3: Um...Hydrolysis is the splitting of things in water.
SAT prepping kid #2: Whatever. Same thing.--
Girl #1: ...but I don't know what I'll do if I get pregnant.
Girl #2: Just take a pill.
Girl #1: Great, now we can't go swimming.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: 'Cause it's raining. That'd be, like, double wet.
Girl #2: Oh.
Fat black girl running in bikini: Yo, bitch, why you didn't tell me my titty was hangin' out?! Shit!
Innocent, spooked bystander girl: What?!
Fat black girl running in bikini: Never mind, bitch!
Creepster: Her dad says I'm too old to be hitting on a 13-year-old girl, so I do the math. But if you let them get their belly button pierced, they are going to get attention.
Chick on cell: Yeah, we got a ticket for going 80 miles per hour on the way here, though. Wanna know why? We were trying to catch up to a giant truck full of chickens!
Black guy to friends: Now I can officially say I am the darkest nigga on the beach.
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
Housemate: So, last night I was so high on acid that I thought the whole beach was made of cocaine, and now I can't breathe.
Chick #1 disappears into bedroom with dude.
Chick #2: Go ahead, bitch, suck his dick. It's sandy and it tastes like me.
Lawn Care Customer: â€œCan you fertilize me next week?â€
Ski Resort Guest: â€œHey! You guys really go all out.â€
(Me with puzzled look on face)
Ski Resort Guest: â€œYou guys have that robotic bear crossing underneath the lift just as we went over.â€
Me: â€œSir, we donâ€™t have any robotic bears.â€
Ski Resort Guest: â€œWhat? You mean that was a real bear?â€
Me: â€œYes sir.â€
Ski Resort Guest: â€œAhhh. We were gonna hike down but I think weâ€™ll just take the lift.â€
The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:
Customer: â€œâ€¦ Uggghhh!â€
Me: â€œWhat happened?â€
Customer: â€œWell, Iâ€™ll be honest. Itâ€™s adding my porn.â€
Me: *silence* â€œOhâ€¦.â€
Customer: â€œPlease make it stop! I donâ€™t want porn on my iPod!â€
Me: â€œClick the little X near the top.â€
Customer: â€œOkay, it stopped.â€
Me: â€œTry adding the My Music folder again.â€
Customer: â€œItâ€™s doing it again! Oh God!â€
Me: â€œOkay, uhâ€¦ letâ€™s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.â€
Customer: â€œOkay, Iâ€™ll do that.â€
(few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)
Customer: â€œOh, man. Itâ€™s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.â€
Me: â€œTwenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!â€
Customer: â€œYes, Iâ€™m sure.â€
(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)
Customer: â€œAlright, great. Now that weâ€™re done concealing my shameâ€¦.â€