According to a classified source, Resorts of the Canadian Rockies plans to uproot or chop down every single tree at all of their prestigious resorts to prevent tree well mishaps and tree related injuries such as riding directly into trees like a dumb ass. An RCR spokesman was quoted saying "trees are the greatest threat to mankind, we can only pray to mormon god that perhaps our sacrifice of ten virgins has appeased the trees."
The new ban on trees comes as a result of a young man named Sevin Kalvini, who last season rode directly into a large tree without making any attempt to stop. the tree promptly ripped his dick off. mr. kalvini sued the Environmental Protection Agency, citing that they really like trees. The court ruled in favor of mr. kalvini and RCR fears that keeping these blood thirsty monstrosities known as trees at their resorts that they could be the next target of a senseless lawsuit or worse... a murderous rampage of tree people.
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