Hallefuckinglujah!!! Some of you may be thinking, "Oh no, not another MySpace rant." Too bad. You may feel free to exit this thread immediately, especially if you fall under the following criteria:
1. If you don't like to read things longer than 3 paragraphs...LEAVE!
2. If you have trouble detecting oozeing sarcasm...LEAVE!
3. If you can't take my stuff with a grain of salt...LEAVE!
4. If you hate material that could the least bit thought provoking...LEAVE!
5. If you hold some silly grudge against me...LEAVE!
6. Finally, if your IQ does not exceed the total sum of the six numbers in this disclaimer, thats 1+2+3+4+5+6 for you slower folk...LEAVE!
Please do your best to comply with these six rules, you have been warned. Remember, if you take any of this shit that spews forth from my oral orifice seriously, you've either got no sense of humor, a less morbid sense of humor than my own, or you're just a fucking idiot.
And so another crappy fad slips into oblivion...
Thats right you mother fuckers, MySpace is dying. Praise Jesus!
People are using it less, fewer new pages are being created, and bands are leaving it in droves. All I gotta say to you people is...It took ya long enough!!!
I've hated MySpace ever since it came into being. People were always saying I should get my own "Space" and join the "movement." I replied that they should get a piece of paper and write "Gofu," and then "Kyourself." It's retarded. The pages look like shit. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so Goddamn harsh on the eyes. Every time I look at a page I keel on the floor in a seizure, hallucinate, piss my pants, and then forget where I am for an hour. You don't need crappy neon flashing graphics that say "Sexy Babe" or "Gangsta". You're not "gangsta." Real "thuggs" and "gangstas" don't make MySpace pages because they are doing more productive things in society, such as shooting cops or beating up hookers. Nobody wants to look at black font on top of a dark grainy picture of yourself in thick rimmed glasses pasted as a fixed background. You're ugly enough that we don't need a constant reminder of what a pile of pig shit looks like. AND STOP POSTING ENORMOUS PICTURES OF YOURSELF!!! We also don't need a huge wallpaper to prove that you're an insecure fat ass. And for the record I don't care about your shitty taste in off-beat punk bands either. Say, what the hell is with that player they embed into MySpace? That has got to be the most inefficient, bandwidth-eating piece of second rate programing I've ever seen. And by they way, your blog sucks! Nobody gives two-shits about what you had for breakfast this morning, or how you feel about the clouds. With all of the worthless garbage people put on their pages, it takes about two months, a prayer, and several rounds of heavy drinking for the damn thing to load. I'm NOT going to waste my time waiting for a "friend's" page to load because they just had to have a "!!!SLUT PRINCESS!!!" graphic the size of Kanye West's ego.
What's all of this bullshit about "friends" anyway? Do you really expect me to believe somebody actually has 5,297 different friends? Only about 100 or so are people you actually know, another 200 you've met once or twice, 4,000 are just random people and spambots, while the remaining 997 are rapists and/or pedophiles that "oh-so-badly" want to tap your jailbait ass.
Do people actually use this site for networking? You use this site for talking to people you don't normally see? Yeah fucking right. Posting a comment on someones page that says "OMFG Rachel!111, ur New BOYfeind is HOOOOOOT!!!1111one!!11!" does not constitute as "networking." Here's a better idea, pick up your goddamn $300 POS cellphone and call somebody!
At least underground bands are figuring out that MySpace doesn't do shit for exposure. I mean seriously. Give me one talented band that made a breakthrough just because they had a MySpace. Those bands, at best, will have 30,000 friends while selling about 600 CDs. Congratulations! Who actually goes onto MySpace looking for hot underground beats? Nobody. This is partly because your band probably sucks, but also because its imfuckingpossible to find anything using MySpace's cumbersome set up and worthless search bar. The algorithms on that stupid piece of shit couldn't find the ass on a donkey.
Can someone please tell me why do celebrity pages exist? Furthermore, why do people "friend" them? Does anybody really think Paris Hilton/David Beckham/My Nut Sack would actually waste their time making a crappy MySpace...and actually want to be friends with some shit kicking little 16 year old bitch in high school?
If any of that shit wasn't bad enough, advertising and spam are choking out what nonexistent content there is. Seriously, who doesn't want a bot posting some great links in your comment box on where to find some great gay interracial midget porn? Let me tell you...I'm sold if it involves a hot tub full of chocolate pudding!
To be honest, I can't help but laugh whenever I have the misfortune of trawling though MySpace. Especially if I come across one of the millions of angsty emo pages. Emo is like goth-lite with a dash of homosexual thrown in. What the fuck is wrong with these kids? They obviously have mental problems...well not really, they just like to think they do. You know the whole, "I'm unloved and dead inside" thing...they always put up black and white pictures of sad girls against doors, sitting next to water, and a bunch of other self wallowing crap. Newsflash: Self pity doesn't turn people on, and cutting your wrists will not get you laid! I hate emos...they always say they want to kill themselves, but they never have a good decency to actually do it. There seems to be a awful lot of emos running around these days. Is it because their suicide techniques aren't working? We need to help these poor kids! Would I technically be providing a public service if I, say, ran around as a serial killer but only killed emo kids? Shit, I'll bet I could charge money for providing such a service!
But I digress...The majority of MySpace is populated be bandwagoning toolbags. I'm sure there's still a reasonable amount of good people (unfortunate suckers) that still glom onto their Spaces. I hope you're not offended. If you are, stop listening to me and go make friends with this guy: http://www.myspace.com/halo_three . He seems cool. Send him a message, I'll bet you'll both be playing Friday night poker in no time!
It's funny that MySpace is actually owned by Rupert Murdoch, yeah THAT Rupert Murdoch. That same guy that owns Fox News. I guess all of those MySpace bloggers with the left slant feel silly don't they? The 9/11 conspiracy Spaces are also a barrel of monkeys. FTP!
Anyway, when you decide to leave MySpace and flock to Facebook, be careful. It's the new thrilling sequel to MySpace! Well, ever since they started the "open" policy and not making it exclusive to college students. Now Facebook is being littered with more spam and retarded add-ons. No, I don't want to watch music videos of shitty bands you like, I don't want to be on your "tv quiz squad," and I don't want to join your e-happy hour...If you're really my friend, you'll buy me a real drink. Fuck you! Thanks for ruining it for all of us that got there first.