The Joke Book
1. Voodoo Dick
A guy is leaving on a business trip for a month. He wants to keep his wife busy during this time so she doesn’t cheat on him. So he goes to a sex shop and asks for the best dildo he has. So the guy tells him all about the dildos he has, the ones that vibrate, move, etc. But the man isn’t impressed. So the guy working there goes to the back room and pulls out an old dusty wooden box and blows the dust off the top. He opens it to reveal a seemingly plain wooden dildo with ancient Chinese symbols carved in it. The buyer isn’t impressed and asks how it works. The shop owner says, “voodoo dick, door” and miraculously the dildo jumps out of the box and starts screwing the keyhole. Then he says “voodoo dick, box” and the dildo goes back into the box. The buyer is impressed and buys it. He goes home and he shows his wife the voodoo dick and tells her how to make it pleasure her. So the man leaves and his wife gets a little lonely. She pulls out the voodoo dick and says “voodoo dick, my pussy”. Instantly the voodoo dick goes out of the box and into her pussy and starts screwing her. She orgasms again and again and again but eventually she grows tired so she tries to pull it out. However she can’t pull it out no matter how hard she pulls. Her husband hadn’t told her how to get it out. So she decides to drive to the hospital. However the voodoo dick makes her shake the car around. A cop sees her and pulls her over. He gets out of the car and asks her if she has been drinking and she says “no, it’s my voodoo dick.” The police officer chuckles and responds “haha, yea right, voodoo dick my ass”
2. What is the best thing about getting head from an Ethiopian?
You know she is going to swallow.
3. What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
4. Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one that had a dream got shot.
5. What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
6. What’s Brown and sticky?
A stick.
7. Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Cause there ugly and they stink.
8. What's faster than the speed of light?
A Jew with a coupon.
9. What sound did the baby make in the blender?
Don't know, I was too busy whacking off...
10. What type of milk do bees make?
Boo-bees
11. What are Mario’s clothes made out of?
Denim, denim, denim.
13. What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
14. What’s black and blue all over and doesn't like to have sex?
The two year old in my trunk.
15. What’s the difference between a bathtub and a dead baby?
I don’t fuck bathtubs.
16. How do you prevent a black guy from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
17. How do you get a black guy out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
18. But seriously, Jew jokes aren’t funny. My grandfather actually died in the Holocaust. He fell off the guard tower.
19. What do u do when u see a nigger with one leg?
Stop laughing and reload.
20. What’s better than winning the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
21. How many women’s rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they can’t change anything!
22. How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
23. So there three naked men sleeping next to each other. They wake up the next morning and the guy on the left is like, “I had a dream someone was jacking me off.” The guy on the right is like, “I had a dream someone was jacking me off.” The guy in the middle is like, “I had a dream I was skiing.”
24. What's the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds?
There's twenty of them.
25. “Okay, at the homecoming dance earlier in the year this freshmen at my high school was grinding with a chick and he blew his load in his pants. For two weeks it was the talk of the school and his new name is Homecummer.”
26. “My mom walked into my room once and I was flipping channels and I went to some show about Africa or whatever. And my mom’s like, "what is this?" and I said as a joke "my favorite show." And then like a bunch of nude Africans came onto the screen. My mom thought I was watching some African porn show.”
27. Why’d the girl fall off the swing?
Cause she had no arms.
28. Why did the little girl drop her lollipop?
Because she got hit by a motherfucking truck.
29. What do you get when you chop off of baby’s head with a dull hunting knife?
An erection
30. A father sees his kid jacking off and says, “Son, if you jack off, you’ll go blind.” And the kid says, “Dad I’m over here.”
31. What’s the worst part about having sex with a 6 year old?
Getting the blood off your clown suit.
32. How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe off your bloody dick on his teddy bear.
33. What do you do when your dish washer doesn't work?
Kick her in the shins
34. Why did the woman cross the street?
Who cares, why isn’t she making me a sandwich.
35. Why are black people so fast?
The slow ones are all in jail.
36. What's worse than getting a bad grade in science?
Getting raped in the ass.
37. So I was at dinner at my boss' house last week and his wife has a massive rack, and I meant to ask her to pass the chips, but instead I asked her to pass the tits. I felt like a total ass, I think I'm going to get fired.
Yeah. I did the same thing while talking to my wife. I was eating dinner with her and I wanted her to pass the salad, but instead I said, “You stupid bitch, you ruined my life, I hate you.”
38. You want to hear a joke?
Women’s rights.
39. Seriously, if there’s anything that makes me mad its black jokes. I have a black guy in my family tree; I forgot to take him done after I hung him.
40. What did the nigger get for Christmas?
Your bike.
41. What is faster then a black guy running with a TV?
His brother with the VCR.
42. Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
43. Why doesn’t Jesus like playing hockey?
Cause he always gets nailed to the boards.
44. Why can’t Jesus eat Oreos?
Because he’s hanging on a cross.
45. What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
You don’t jizz on an apple before you eat it.
46. Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One of them says, “Wow, its really hot in here.” And the other muffin says, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
47. So this guy says to another guy, “You have a banana in your ear” And the other guy is like, “what?” And he is like, “You have a banana in your ear!” and he is like, “what?” and the guys is like, “YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR FUCKING EAR!!” So the guy takes the banana out of his ear and says, “Sorry I couldn’t hear you, I had a banana in my ear”
