A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting
for a bus. She's carrying books and looking very collegiate.
A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past,
SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES, and backs up. The Young Woman stares at
her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is all
about.
Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD
CHRISTMAS, age 30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a
little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit.
LLOYD
Excuse me, can you tell me how to
get to the medical school? I'm
supposed to be giving a lecture in
twenty minutes and my driver's a bit
lost.
YOUNG WOMAN
(heavy European accent)
Go straight aheads and makes a left
over za bridge.
Lloyd checks out her body.
LLOYD
I couldn't help noticing the accent.
You from Jersey?
YOUNG WOMAN
(unimpressed)
Austria.
LLOYD
Austria? You're kidding.
(mock-Australian accent)
Well, g'day, mate. What do you say
we get together later and throw a
few shrimp on the barbie.
The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
(to self)
Guess I won't be going Down Under
tonight...
He SIGHS and zips the window back up.
2.
INT. LIMO
Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front
seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S CAP on his head and drives
away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER!
The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE:
DISPATCHER
(v.o.)
Carr 22, come in, car 22...
Lloyd grabs his CB mike.
LLOYD
This is 22.
DISPATCHER
22, where the hell are you, Lloyd?
You're running late on the East Side
pick-up.
LLOYD
Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my
way.
DISPATCHER
(v.o.)
Well hurry it up. And make sure you
park legally. One more ticket and
your ass is history.
CUT TO:
EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY
This building is white with black spots on it, like a
DALMATION. Over the front door is an awning shaped like a
DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside.
The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs
hanging off the sides, a tail in the rear, and a dog's snout
on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it.
HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in
a ridiculous BEAGLE COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY
EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it, and a swarm
of DOGS pile out.
HARRY
Okay, gang, single file. You know
the rules: No pushing, no humping,
and no sniffing heinies...
3.
The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR.
PALMER, sticks his head out.
PALMER
Hey, why aren't those mutts on
leashes?
HARRY
The same reason you're not on a leash,
sir because it's demeaning and it
chafes like hell.
PALMER
Just get them in here now! They all
have to be bathed and clipped in an
hour.
Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but
they pay no attention. He struggles to keep them from
wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits
them on a wall.
HARRY
You kids stay right here...
As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall
isn't a wall it's a flatbed truck. The truck drives away,
taking the two dogs with it.
HARRY (CONT'D)
(at truck)
Hey, wait a minute!
Harry chases after the vehicle.
CUT TO:
EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY
Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined
driveway. He gets out and looks up in awe at an IMPRESSIVE
STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the
front oor and RINGS THE BELL.
The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON
appears. She's 25 and gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when
he lays eyes on her.
MARY
Hello.
(beat)
I'll be just a minute...
4.
As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of
Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his arms, his hair, behind
his ears...
CUT TO:
INT. LIMO - DAY
Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the
window, lost in thought. She's got a BRIEFCASE resting on
her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps
glancing at her in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he
is speechless. Then:
LLOYD
Why you going to the airport? Flying
somewhere?
MARY
(dead-pan)
How'd you guess?
LLOYD
Well, I saw your luggage, then when
I noticed the airline ticket, I put
two and two together.
(beat)
So where you heading?
MARY
Aspen.
LLOYD
Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear
California's beautiful this time of
year.
Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another
glance.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.
MARY
I'm Mary.
ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate
to impress her.
LLOYD
Uh, this isn't my real job, you know.
It's only temporary.
5.
MARY
Oh?
LLOYD
Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I
are saving up our money so we can
open our own pet store.
MARY
That's nice.
LLOYD
(smiling)
I got worms.
MARY
I beg your pardon?
LLOYD
That's what we're gonna call it: I
Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in
selling worm farms you know, like
ant farms. A lot of people don't
realize that worms make much better
pets than ants. They're quiet,
affectionate, they don't bite, and
they're super with the kids.
MARY
Aren't ants quiet, too?
Lloyd realizes she has a point.
LLOYD
Uh... well, sure but they aren't half
as affectionate. And if you cut an
ant's head off, it won't grow back.
MARY
I see.
LLOYD
And best of all, worm farming is a
seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year
industry. I wouldn't mind having a
piece of that pie, if you know what
I mean.
To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks
at her watch and crosses her legs. Lloyd can see that she's
concerned about something.
6.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What's the matter? Little tense about
the flight?
MARY
(beat)
Something like that.
Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her.
LLOYD
It's really nothing to worry about,
Mary. Statistically, they say you're
more likely to get killed on the way
to the airport. You know, like in a
head-on crash, or something.
MARY
Um, Lloyd, could please keep your
eyes on the road.
LLOYD
Good thinking. There's a lot of bad
rivers out there.
Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk
and turns to Mary. She looks nervous and disconcerted as she
reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip.
MARY
Here you go.
LLOYD
Keep it. It was my pleasure.
For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This
makes her more lovely than ever.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and
pass out. You'll be there before you
know it.
MARY
Thanks Lloyd.
(beat)
And good luck with your worms.
7.
Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal,
followed by a PORTER pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her,
ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight.
Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a
moment he doesn't even have the energy to turn the key. He
just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED.
There's a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE
OFFICER standing there.
POLICE OFFICER
Come on, move it, you're in a red
zone.
Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of
travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and her eyes are
focused straight ahead.
She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN one dressed in
an ARMANI SUIT, the other in a PLAID SPORTCOAT watch her.
ARMANI SUIT
She's gonna leave the briefcase at
the foot of the escalator. You make
the pick-up.
PLAID SPORTCOAT
Piece of cake.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport
window and SEES MARY
WALKING ALONG.
When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too.
She puts down the briefcase and checks her coat pocket for
her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He
turns to see a car irectly behind him.
LLOYD
(to car's driver)
Drive around me, you pinhead!
When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees
that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF
THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION.
8.
He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He
starts to run into the terminal, then notices the Police
Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and
dragging him leg behind him like a palsy victim.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL
The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to
approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid Sportcoat is reaching
for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP
THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at
each other, dumbstruck.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE
Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post
the departure times. He looks frantically at the confusion
of numbers.
LLOYD
Damn!
QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he
watches as Mary's airplane taxiing away.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who
FOLLOW HIM AT A DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk
when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.
HIS POV - his limo is being towed away under the supervision
of the Police Officer.
He takes off after it, but to no avail.
LLOYD
You can't do this! I'll lose my job!
As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his
fingers through his hair.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON
We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A
dejected Harry climbs out. At the same time, a taxi pulls up
and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's
briefcase.) Both he and Harry climb the steps of the building.
They disappear inside without acknowledging each other.
9.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up
and parks. Inside are the Armani suit and the Sportcoat.
They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE
MENTAL).
MENTAL
Who the hell do you figure this guy's
working for?
SHAY
I don't know, but we'd better find
out...
Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them.
SHAY (CONT'D)
Your ulcer?
MENTAL
It ain't gonna kill me.
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR
Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently
toward the door of their apartment.
INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they
both plunk down in their favorite easy chairs. (Lloyd still
has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY,
tweets hello, but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY.
The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The
carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the corner we see a
miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt
and worms. Here are a couple pieces of haggard furniture
with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.
HARRY
I got fired again.
Lloyd shakes his head.
LLOYD
I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but
let's face it, you are one pathetic
loser. No offense.
HARRY
None taken. Were you shitcanned,
too?
10.
LLOYD
Of course not.
(beat)
I quit.
HARRY
Why'd you quit?
LLOYD
I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire
me.
HARRY
Why didn't you wait and see if your
suspicions were well-founded?
LLOYD
Winners control their own destiny,
Har.
Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one
to him.
HARRY
You know, the thing that really chaps
my ass is that I just spent my life
savings turning my van into a poodle.
(beat)
The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
LLOYD
Big deal. That car's an old bomb
anyway.
HARRY
What are you talking about? It's
only six years old.
LLOYD
That's forty-two in dog years.
They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry
notices the briefcase.
HARRY
What's with the briefcase?
LLOYD
It's a love memento.
HARRY
Huh?
11.
LLOYD
The most beautiful woman alive. Her
name was Mary. I drove her to the
airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran
high, breasts heaved. She left this
case in the terminal and flew to
Aspen and out of my life. End of
story.
HARRY
What's in it?
LLOYD
DO you really expect me to go snooping
around in someone else's private
property?
HARRY
Why not?
LLOYD
(beat)
It's locked.
They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a
LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the parakeet starts to SQUAWK.
The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to
the
PEEPHOLE.
HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental
are standing at the door.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
(WHISPERING to Harry)
Friend or foe?
HARRY
(WHISPERING)
We don't have any friends.
Harry is still squinting out the peephole.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Can't recognize them. Could be student
loan thugs again, or the IRS, or
maybe somebody pissed off about that
case of Girl Scout cookies you bounced
a check on.
12.
LLOYD
Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The little
swindlers gave me Peanut Butter
Praline.
HARRY
Well, whoever they are, they look
serious. One of them's even wearing
plaid.
LLOYD
(cringing)
That's a hostile pattern. I say we
bail and get down to unemployment.
Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the
window and down the fire escape.
CUT TO:
EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON
The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building
and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out.
Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE
HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.
INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE -
AFTERNOON
STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.
GRABNER
Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that
neither I nor the unemployment
epartment of the state of Rhose Island
can do anything for you.
(beat)
You've run out of chances. You're
unemployable. Remember last year?
Middle of winter I busted my butt to
GET YOU BOTH PRIME JOBS. TWELVE-
fifty an hour, and you went and blew it!
LLOYD
Blew it? For your information, we
only missed three days in two months.
HARRY
Yeah, and that was because of a
blizzard
13.
GRABNER
(exploding)
YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!
Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.
HARRY
Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find
something else for us. How about
another crack at that Suicide Hotline?
Grabner jumps up.
GRABNER
OUT!!!!!
CUT TO:
INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen
cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the bedroom.
MENTAL
The briefcase ain't here. He must've
taken it with him.
J.P. SHAY
Shit.
(beat)
Well he's gotta come home sometime.
Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage.
MENTAL
Maybe we should leave him a little
message to let 'em know we're playing
hardball.
Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around
the bird, who SCREECHES IN
TERROR.
MENTAL (CONT'D)
(a la Tweety Bird)
I taut I taw a puddy cat.
Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone-
chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird stops SQUAWKING.
14.
MENTAL (CONT'D)
(still Tweety)
I did, I did...
DISSOLVE TO:
The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd
and Harry climb out and mope up to their apartment building
entrance.
LLOYD
Give me what's left of our dough.
I'll go to the corner and buy a few
necessities.
Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night
Train?
HARRY
Get Robitussin it's a better buzz.
CUT TO:
EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT
Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries.
He stops at a newspaper machine, pulls out his WALLET and
removes a quarter.
He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes
that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE HAND to pick up the newspaper.
He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper,
and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET
STILL INSIDE.
Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks
his pockets. NO MORE CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN
struggles by using a WALKER.
LLOYD
Excuse me, little old lady, do you
have change for a dollar?
ELDERLY WOMAN
Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't...
LLOYD
Well could you do me a favor and
guard this while I go break a dollar?
My wallet's locked in this machine.
15.
ELDERLY LADY
Of course, young man...
Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as
Lloyd EXITS a few seconds later with a handful of quarters.
Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY, HER WALKER,
AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he
sees that
SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT
A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up
the steps to his apartment.
INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT
The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the
couch, looking almost comatose.
HARRY
Where's the booze?
LLOYD
It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma
Walton. She got my wallet, too.
Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Come on, man, cheer up. We've been
own before. I'm sure we'll land on
our heads somewhere.
HARRY
It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet
Petey he's... he's dead.
Lloyd looks touched by this.
LLOYD
Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What
happened?
HARRY
His head fell off.
LLOYD
His head fell off?
16.
HARRY
Yeah, he was pretty old.
Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately.
LLOYD
(hopeful)
I don't suppose he had a warranty...?
HARRY
Nah, I bought him used.
As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset.
LLOYD
That's it! I've had it with this
ump! We don't have food, we don't
have jobs, our pets' heads are falling
off, we're surrounded by roving gangs
of larcenous old
LADIES...
HARRY
Okay, calm down.
LLOYD
No I won't calm down.
Lloyd flops down in a chair.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What the hell are we doing here
anyway, Harry? We've got to get out
of this town.
HARRY
Yeah, and go where?
LLOYD
I'll tell you where: someplace warm,
a place where the beer flows like
wine, where beautiful women
instinctively flock like the salmon
of Capistrano.
(dramatic PAUSE)
I'm talking about Aspen.
HARRY
Aspen?
LLOYD
That's right, Aspen.
17.
HARRY
I don't know, Lloyd, the French are
assholes.
LLOYD
Let me ask you something: do you
want to end up like Petey dead in
some flea-ridden apartment, face-
down on a Dear Abby column, with a
soggy sunflower seed pressed against
your beak? Or do you want to enjoy
your life?
(beat)
Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's
eath be in vain. Don't you see what
he was saying? Spread your wings,
man. he was saying? Spread your wings,
man. Fly.
HARRY
(confused)
What are you talking about, Lloyd?
His head fell off.
(dawning realization)
Wait a second, I know what you're up
to. You just wanna go to Aspen so
you can find that girl who lost her
briefcase and you need me to drive
you there.
LLOYD
That's bullshit. I'll drive.
(beat)
And what's so wrong about going
someplace where we know someone who
can plug us into the social pipeline?
HARRY
(torn)
I don't know, Lloyd. I think we should
stay here, hunt for jobs, and keep
saving money for the worm store. I'm
getting a little sick and tired of
always running from creditors.
Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry
cityscape.
LLOYD
You know what I'm sick and tired of,
Harry? I'm sick and tired of having
to eek my way through life. I'm sick
and tired of being a nobody.
(MORE)
18.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
(beat)
But most of all, I'm sick and tired
of having nobody.
There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then
Harry tries to lighten the mood. He opens his arms wide.
HARRY
Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss.
LLOYD
On the other hand, maybe you're right,
Harry. Maybe we should stay here and
try our luck in bankruptcy court.
With all those lawsuits against us,
I'm sure we'll win at least one. It
could be a boost to our egos.
Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches
Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears.
HARRY
(emotional)
Petey, I made a promise to you once,
man...
(thinking hard)
...and I'll be damned if I can remember
what it was.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny
Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the soundtrack. The van
drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER
AERIAL
SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song
continues to play.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat.
The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out of This Place" is BLASTING
on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG:
19.
LLOYD & HARRY
"We've got to get out of this place,
If it's the last thing we ever do,
We've got to get out of this place,
Girl, there's a better life, for me
and you..."
Lloyd turns down the radio.
LLOYD
Well, we're finally doing it. Do you
realize that in all the years we've
known each other, this is the first
time we've done this together.
HARRY
Been run out of town?
LLOYD
Taken a trip.
Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches,
curious.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Why'd you do that?
HARRY
What?
LLOYD
Take your seatbelt off.
HARRY
Because we just cleared the danger
zone.
LLOYD
Huh?
HARRY
Don't you know anything, Lloyd? Ninety
percent of all accidents happen within
five miles of home. We've already
traveled 6.3 miles.
LLOYD THINKS ABOUT THIS. THEN:
LLOYD
Well what about the people who live
around here? What if we got into an
accident with one of them?
20.
Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back
on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and fiddles with the radio.
HARRY
Where'd you get those?
LLOYD
Bought 'em when we filled up.
HARRY
Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer
on all expenditures. We're on a tight
budget, remember?
LLOYD
This didn't come out of our travel
fund. I was able to scrape up twenty-
five bucks before we left. You know,
so we could live in style.
HARRY
Where'd you get twenty-five extra
bucks?
LLOYD
I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.
HARRY
You mean the blind kid?
LLOYD
That's right.
Lloyd looks out the window guiltily.
HARRY
What did you sell him, Lloyd?
LLOYD
Just some odds and ends.
HARRY
Specifically?
LLOYD
Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of
marbles, Petey, three comic books a
second, are you telling me you sold
my dead bird to a blind kid? Well
who else was I gonna sell it to?
HARRY
But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a
head.
21.
LLOYD
Put your mind at ease, friend. I
took care of it.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a
little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a wheelchair playing
with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the
ead bird up, but it flops into his lap.
BILLY
Fly!
Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door.
It reads: TO ALL OUR
LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE -
LLOYD AND HARRY.
PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay.
MENTAL
Those bastards. They're rubbing it
right in our faces.
J.P. SHAY
Shit! Andre will have a goddamn
aneurysm if we don't get that
briefcase back.
MENTAL
Don't worry, we'll get it back. And
I'll tell you something else. They
ain't gonna reach Aspen, either.
I'll make sure of that.
Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on
them.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops
more antacid pills into his mouth as they descend the stairs.
Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the
air.
22.
BILLY
Come on, boy, fly!
Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS
OUT:
BILLY (CONT'D)
Excuse me, mister. Is there something
wrong with my bird?
Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS
IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as he can.
MENTAL
Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew
south for the winter.
CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out
before him.
HARRY
How far have we gone?
LLOYD
According to this map, about an inch
and a half.
HARRY
Shit. We're gonna need a smaller map
or we'll never get there. We don't
have enough gas money.
LLOYD
Relax. We have more than enough.
HARRY
I believe you're wrong, Lloyd.
LLOYD
And I believe I'm right, Harry.
HARRY
I still say wrong, Lloyd.
LLOYD
How much you wanna bet?
HARRY
I don't bet.
23.
Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous.
LLOYD
What do you mean you don't bet?
HARRY
I mean I don't gamble, you know that.
Never have and never will.
LLOYD
Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal
that I can get you gambling before
the day's out.
HARRY
There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do
it.
LLOYD
I'll give you three-to-one odds.
That's three feedbags if you win,
against only one if you lose.
HARRY
You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I
already told you, I don't gamble.
LLOYD
Okay, five-to-one I can get you
gambling before the day's out.
HARRY
Sorry, pal, no way.
LLOYD
Make it ten-to-one.
Harry sticks out his hand.
HARRY
You got yourself a bet, sucker!
As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE.
Harry immediately realizes he's been had.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON
The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor-
trailer trucks.
24.
INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ
Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables
of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry oesn't look happy. A middle-
aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a
couple of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of
the boys and starts to walk away.
LLOYD
(to Waitress)
UH, EXCUSE ME...
The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
What's the soup du jour?
WAITRESS
It's the soup-of-the-day.
LLOYD
Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl.
WAITRESS
(sarcastic)
Anything else before I leave the
area?
HARRY
Actually, this chocolate milk isn't
mixed very well. Could you please
bring me a spoon?
The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS
INTO THE STRAW, MIXING
THE DRINK.
WAITRESS
There. Now you don't need one.
The guys watch her stomp away.
LLOYD
FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID-
back country-folk, don't it, Harry?
Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put
it in the ashtray, he accidentally
KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER.
25.
LLOYD
Uh-oh...
HARRY
What's the matter?
LLOYD
You spilled the salt. That's bad
luck. We're driving across the country
and the last thing we need is bad
luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt
over your right shoulder.
HARRY
What for?
LLOYD
Because that's good luck.
Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it
over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a
YELP.
MALE VOICE
(o.s.)
What the fuck?!
LLOYD
Or was it the left shoulder?
They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his
eyes.
TRUCKER
Who's the dead man threw shit in my
eye?
The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's
wearing a FOAM BASEBALL CAP that says: WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM,
SIXTY-NINE 'EM.
HARRY
It was a terrible accident, Sir.
Believe me, I would never do anything
to offend a man of your size. Please
accept my most sincere apology.
The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his
equally burly FRIENDS.
BURLY FRIEND #1
Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass!
26.
Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger.
SEA BASS
You gonna eat that?
HARRY
Um... the thought had crossed my mind.
At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF
TOBACCO SPIT ONTO
THE HAMBURGER.
SEA BASS
Still want it?
Harry stares at the burger non-commitally.
HARRY
Nah, you go ahead.
Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to
the LAUGHTER of his friends.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON
J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while
Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large truck pulls away,
REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental smiles
at this, and we
CUT TO:
INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ
The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and
STOMPS away. Harry studies the bill and SIGHS.
HARRY
Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I
still haven't eaten.
LLOYD
Well if you'd stop picking fights
with the locals...
(brightening)
Wait a second. I think I just had an
idea. Follow me...
Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A
nervous Harry trails after him.
27.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like
to apologize for that unpleasant
scene a little earlier.
SEA BASS
Huh?
LLOYD
What I'm trying to say is, my friend
and I would like to buy you guys a
round of beers, just to bury the
hatchet.
Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the
Truckers seem to like the idea.
SEA BASS
Make it four boiler-makers.
LLOYD
Whatever you want, sir. I'll have
the waitress send them over. Oh, and
fellas hope to see you again down
the road.
Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER.
HARRY
Lloyd, what are you doing? You know
we can't afford to buy them drinks.
Lloyd hands the Cashier their check.
LLOYD
Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered
to pick up our check. They said just
add this to their tab.
CASHIER
(skeptical)
Sea Bass said that?
LLOYD
Well, if that guy at the table over
there is Sea Bass...
He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass
NODS TO THE CASHIER AND GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING
TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The Cashier is convinced.
CASHIER
Okey-dokey, if that's what he wants...
28.
Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy
bar, and a copy of The National Enquirer off the counter.
HARRY
Oh, and put these on there, too.
CASHIER
You got it.
LLOYD
(to Cashier)
By the way, how far is it to Rhode
Island from here?
CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON
The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS
OUT, followed by his buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress.
SEA BASS
I'm gonna kill those sons-of-bitches!
CASHIER
Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was
on their way to Rhode Island.
The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY in the
OPPOSITE DIRECTION our boys are headed.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
The Mutt Cutts van breezes by.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef
Jerky.
LLOYD
I just wish we could've seen Sea
Bass's face when he got the bill.
HARRY
I hope we never have to.
LLOYD
Don't worry. That fish-head is
probably half-way to Providence by
now.
29.
HARRY
I hope so.
Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously.
LLOYD
Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a
whiz.
HARRY
Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now.
What if they figure out we went the
other way. They'll be on us in no
time.
LLOYD
But I gotta go. What am I supposed
to do?
HARRY
Hold it.
LLOYD
I can't hold it. I'm about to explode.
HARRY
Well... just take a whiz in an empty
beer bottle. There's a couple on the
floor in the back seat.
LLOYD
Are you serious?
HARRY
Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping
now. We could get killed.
Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back
seat and UNZIPS his fly. Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND.
Then:
LLOYD
Uh-oh...
HARRY
What's the matter?
LLOYD
The bottle's almost full and I'm
still going.
HARRY
Well stop going.
30.
LLOYD
I can't stop once I already started,
you know that. Quick, get me another
bottle.
Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way
in the back seat for an empty.
LLOYD (CONT'D)
Jesus, be careful! You almost went
off the road.
HARRY
I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best
I can.
He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the
switch.
LLOYD
Here, hold this.
Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE.
EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY
As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a
STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle hidden in the bushes. The
Trooper takes off after them.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN
Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL
BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still going at it in the passenger seat.
HARRY
What are you, a goddamn camel?
LLOYD
Hey, I haven't gone all day.
Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER:
STATE TROOPER
(o.s.)
Pull over!
They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside
then. Harry rolls down his window and CALLS OUT:
HARRY
Huh?
31.
STATE TROOPER
PULL OVER!
Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at
the Trooper.
HARRY
(calling out)
No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for
noticing!
He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled
Lloyd.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Jesus, what is this, the fashion
police?
The Cop turns on his SIREN.
STATE TROOPER
PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE
ROAD!
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY
The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts
van, staring at it with isapproval.
STATE TROOPER
License and registration, please.
Harry hands him the papers.
STATE TROOPER (CONT'D)
You know, you fellas were all over
the road back there.
HARRY
Yes, sir, we had a little... ifficulty
in the car.
STATE TROOPER
Uh-huh.
(beat)
Have you boys been doing a little
rinking maybe?
HARRY
No, sir.
32.
STATE TROOPER
Then what's that?
He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat
between them.
HARRY
Oh, that's nothing, sir.
STATE TROOPER
Do you know it's against the law to
rive with an open alcohol container
in this state?
LLOYD
But, your honor, he's telling the
truth. It's not beer.
The officer smirks.
STATE TROOPER
Is that right?
The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He
inspects the beer label, then MOVES
THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS.
HARRY
Sir, I wouldn't TROOPER --You'd keep
your mouth shut if you knew what was
good for you.
LLOYD
(under breath)
YOU WOULD, TOO...
Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down
the piss. He pauses uncertainly and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER
HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then:
STATE TROOPER
(pained)
Get the hell out of here.
CUT TO:
The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while
the officer remains in the breakdown lane with his hands on
his knees.
CUT TO:
33.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The van is making steady progress through the dark night.
INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - NIGHT
Lloyd is driving now while Harry sleeps in the passenger
seat. The song, "Cut Flowers" by The Smithereens, starts to
play as Lloyd FANTASIZES about his future in Aspen.
DISSOLVE TO:
LLOYD'S FANTASY:
Lloyd is walking up the steps of a luxurious, snow-covered
chalet, carrying Mary's briefcase. The sky is absurdly blue
and children are making a snowman on the lawn. It's all out
of a dream world. He KNOCKS on the door, tentatively. Mary
opens it. She looks at him, then at the briefcase, and breaks
into the BIGGEST, SWEETEST SMILE he's ever seen. Then she
slowly backs into the house, gesturing for him to follow...
Lloyd follows Mary down a hallway. As he trails after her,
she pulls off her shirt, revealing her bare back, and glances
over her shoulder at him.
CAMERA MOVES around a corner and now we're in a STEAMY
BATHROOM. The shower is running and we see the silhouette of
two people behind the curtain.
LLOYD
(v.o.)
OOH... OOH... MARY...
MARY
(v.o.)
How does that feel, Lloyd?
LLOYD
(v.o.)
MMMM... TINGLY...
INT. SHOWER
CLOSE ON LLOYD - we see he's taking the TEGRIN CHALLENGE,
with different shampoos on either side of his head and a
noticeable part down the middle.
MARY
(o.s.)
How's the other side?
34.
LLOYD
Nothing. Nothing at all.
MARY
(o.s.)
Lloyd, will you wash my nipples...?
ON MARY - her hair is slicked back, making her look better
than ever. As the CAMERA PANS DOWN toward her breasts, we
are surprised to see not breasts but a SET OF HEADLIGHTS
SUPERIMPOSED OVER HER CHEST AREA. The headlights FLASH ONCE.
Then TWICE.
ON LLOYD - he blinks, confused at what's happening.
JUMP CUT TO - an eighteen-wheeler is ROARING RIGHT TOWARD
THE MUTT CUTTS VAN on the highway. Lloyd quickly veers back
into his lane and avoids tragedy by a whisker. A shaken Lloyd
lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF, and we
CUT TO:
EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON HOTEL - NIGHT
The Mutt Cutts van is parked outside this seedy establishment.
A neon sign blinks: GROUP
DISCOUNTS - HAVE YOUR NEXT AFFAIR HERE.
HARRY
(v.o.)
I don't know, Lloyd, I feel a little
sleazy staying here when we're not
even engaged.
LLOYD
(v.o.)
Hey, it's the only motel that charges
by the hour. We can't afford anything
else.
INT. BATHROOM - SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL
Lloyd and Harry are sitting in a large, HEART-SHAPED JACUZZI.
Lloyd is sipping a beer and Harry is absorbed in the Enquirer
as the water swirls around them.
LLOYD
Yep, this sure is the life. Cold
beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink
sheets... You know, there's only one
thing that could make this moment
any better.
35.
HARRY
What's that?
LLOYD
If you had a nice set of knockers.
HARRY
That's two things, Lloyd.
LLOYD
Right now I'd settle for one.
Lloyd takes a swig of beer. Harry puts down the paper and
looks around at the romantic decor.
HARRY
I don't know, Lloyd, these places
just don't do it for me. Brings back
too many memor
