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this is the story of his life acording to him
The Story of Matthew Presser ----------------------------------------------------------- Here's how this shit works. My life is split into 5 parts- 'Early Years', 'Schoolyard Bullshit', 'Middle Ages', 'Golden Age', and 'Rage Against the Man and the 3 Women'. I will be posting this piece by piece since it is quite a long story. Just keep reading it there is funny shit in here for everyone- bring the whole family! ----------------------------------------------------------- Part 1 Early Years One of the most important things I have ever owned is a small child's rideable green toy tractor. This tractor has been instrumental in my success as a US citizen and has provided me with lots of fun over 15 years. I remember waking up one Christmas morning and finding that green tractor under the tree. The first time I ever rode that tractor, the shit hit the fan.(Almost) You see, I was like 4 and my dog, Ginger was like not even a month old so Ginger still shit in the house sometimes and I happened to be riding my green tractor and guess what fuck happens? I RODE THE TRACTOR THROUGH A PILE OF DOG SHIT, fell off and scraped my bloody knee. That brings me to my next point. Every time I so much as look at that damn green tractor I get hurt. Example A- I was 6 and enjoyed riding that tractor around the deck, I rode a little too fast one day and ran into the deck rail and smashed my face against the steering wheel. Example B- I was walking across the deck and tripped ON it at the age of 10. Example C- I was walking across the deck and tripped OVER it at 11. Example D- I walked across the deck and stubbed my toe on it, tried to go around it, slipped, stuck my hand out to break the fall, got a splinter in my hand and hit my head on the picnic table. I have 2 permanent dents in my head. One from the afore mentioned incident and another from my dog pissing me off. I was 5 I think and she wouldn't shut up so I first yelled at her and she kept barking so I backed up, lowered my head and prepared to charge and headbutt that deranged animal. Turns out that deranged animal was smart and moved so I rammed my head on the corner of our brick fireplace and I still have the dent to prove it. ----------------------------------------------------------- Part 2 Schoolyard Bullshit 3rd Grade- This year was the year that a mental guy stormed into gym class foaming at the mouth asking about whether his job was here or if his job ran away. After that he yelled and ran into the mpr and the security had to tackle him and take him to the asylum again. (no shitting this actually happened and he said that) We had a cool teacher, Mr. Garrity, who always slammed his fist on the table and yelled about stupid crap. One incident permanently engrained in memory was when he went over to Matt Davis's table and slammed his fist onto a pencil which then flew up and got stuck in the ceiling. 4th Grade- This was the year I got put into anger management and physchotic evaluation because of this one kid. In 4th grade there was a mentally unstable kid who smelled like a mixture of piss and puke. This kid shall remain nameless but those of you who have known me for a while or are in freshman class know who he is. Anyways, this kid stayed in the bathroom for an HOUR (not taking a fatty shit if you are reading this Chris hey that rymes) talking to himself about going home because everyone was in a conspiracy against him. After that hour Mrs. Everson went in to investigate what he was doing in there. He got pissed for some random reason and stormed back into the classroom, flipped his desk over (spilling papers everywhere) and then tried to throw either a chair or a desk at Mrs. Everson (there is dispute over which from eyewitnesses) but was too weak so he yelled that he hated school and ran away from school. Now in order to understand my actions in this next part, you must understand that John's smell was worse than the combined odor of FIVE MONKEYS HAVING SEX WITH A FISH. It was because of this odor that me and Matt Davis got deodorant and rubbed it all over him. We rubbed the deodorant on him and he got mad not glad and chucked a rock at the back of my head. I got pissed and punched him so the noon duties stop recess to talk to me and matt and john about the deodorant. We were smart and had Cross dispose of the evidence by throwing it over the fence. Unfortunately, he threw it into the road and the duties found it and used it to prosecute us. The principal Mrs. Michealscheck, (a lady from New Zealand who talked in a weird accent and told us things like "throw your rubbish in the rubbish receptacle and push your lunch trolley quietly down the corridor past the wee ones.") put me and Matt into counseling to get pychologically evaluated (or some shit like that) with a crazy lady Mrs. Strubel who treated us like we were mental. ----------------------------------------------------------- should i write the next chapter or not? comment or send message i prefer message but suit yourself after reading cause this is time consuming. grades 5-8 are significantly funnier so keep that in mind
