^wtf? How far back in the threads did you go?
Q: What is the difference between God and a ski instructor?
A: God doesn't think he is a ski instructor.
Q: How does a snowboard instructor meet his class?
A: He runs into them!
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The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!
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How Not to Look Like a Complete Dork - Your New Look...
Fact: Real skiers have ugly feet: golf ball-sized bone spurs and black toenails are the norm. To achieve this special look, wear ski boots five sizes smaller than the ones you own now.
Smelling bad is essential. If you don't own polypro underwear, smear Limburger uner your armpits, or roll around in the cat box for an inhouse substitute.
As for a tan, your face and neck should be black, while the rest of your body remains pasty. Wear goggles every time yougo outaide, year-round, to keep those Bozo-the-Clown circles around your eyes.
Never had a brag-worthy knee injury? Try a swift blow with a mallet to land you in the hospital. No time or money for the surgery? Then fake it by wearing a brace. The more metal and Velcro you have wrapped around your leg the more legitimate you look.
Burn all Spandex, stretch pants, neon, and face masks. Absolutely no springtime skiing in shorts or T-shirts. And God forbit you would consider going out the door wearing a fanny pack.
Skier's thumb, being the trendiest injury to date, is a must. Simply pick a chunk of ice and jam your thumb into it with force. Maybe a friend can help!
Only refer to your ski gear as product, as if it's all free!
If you're a ski instructor, quit immediately. Never talk about it again.
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The Difference between an Expert Skier and a Real Skier.
Expert Skier: Drives to the local resort in the Beemer with the skis on the rack upside down, tips back, ...
Real Skier: Hasn't dug his/her 1976 Ford F150 Pickup out since the last time he got an impound warning for impeding snow removal, walks to the lift, never shows his pass.
Expert Skier: Got a great deal on the latest in ski gear at Sniagrab.
Real Skier: Picked up a used set at a garage sale and found his bindings in the dumpster outside his apartment.
Expert Skier: Goes out to a fine restaurant for dinner apres ski.
Real Skier: Is his waiter.
Expert Skier: His favorite run has a name like Jaws of Death, Outer Limits, White Heat, or some such.
Real Skier: His favorite run has no name.
Expert Skier: Counts the number of days he skied last season.
Real Skier: Counts the number of days he missed all year.
Expert Skier: Wishes the ski season was longer.
Real Skier: Didn't realize skiing was restricted to a particular season, only that sometimes the lifts run and sometimes they don't.
Expert Skier: Calls the avalanche report before hitting the resort.
Real Skier: Calls in his observations to the Avalanche Forecast Center when he gets back from his tour.
Expert Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski his favorite resort.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski somewhere else.
Expert Skier: Thinks the new lift is great.
Real Skier: Spent all last night loosening the bolts on pole 12 of the new lift.
Expert Skier: Feels confident adjusting his binding.
Real Skier: Feels comfortable mounting his bindings.
Expert Skier: Thinks the female lift attendant is cute.
Real Skier: Blushes when she tells him how much she enjoyed last night.
Expert Skier: Subscribes to Powder Magazine to find out the hot places to ski.
Real Skier: Skims through the ski rags while he's at the sev' buying beer to see how many of his favorite places they've ruined.
Expert Skier: Thinks Vail is the resort of all resorts.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that Vail is the resort of all resorts.
Expert Skier: Buys all his buddies beers at the lodge.
Real Skier: Gets all his beer free cuz he lives with the guy tending bar.
Expert Skier: Gets real pissed off when someone skis over the tops of his skis.
Real Skier: Paints his skis flat black so no one will steal them, worries about the bottoms of his skis... not the tops.
Expert Skier: Calls the resort snow report before heading up.
Real Skier: Carries a hand held scanner so he knows when the patrol is going to open the bowls.
Expert Skier: Thinks off-piste is when you step into the trees to relieve yourself. (Thanx Joe!)
Real Skier: Skis home to pee.
Expert Skier: Thinks the backcountry is a bar.
Real Skier: Chuckles when some touron asks him where he can find the Backcountry.
Expert Skier: Thinks climbing skins are made of brightly colored Lycra(tm).
Real Skier: Knows how to reglue them.
Expert Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.
Real Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.
Expert Skier: Has a fancy ski rack on his car.
Real Skier: Has a fancy ski rack by the front door.
Expert Skier: Sharpens his edges once a week.
Real Skier: Sharpens his edges when he flies home to visit his parents for Christmas in Vermont.
Expert Skier: Knows all about snow making....
Real Skier: Worked on the snowmaking crew for three years.
Expert Skier: Calls a 1-900 number to get the latest weather report.
Real Skier: Steps outside and looks up...
Expert Skier: Has a Grateful Dead sticker on his BMW.
Real Skier: Lives with four dead-heads in a one bedroom apartment.
Expert Skier: Has a gagloop of ski passes hanging all over his jacket from places like Breckenridge and Vail and Aspen and .....
Real Skier: Forgot his season pass at home... but it doesn't really matter.
Expert Skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis came off.
Real Skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis stayed on.
Expert Skier: Wears GoreTex(tm).
Real Skier: Wears duct tape.
Expert Skier: Thinks high speed quads are a type of ski lift.
Real Skier: Thinks high speed quads are the leg muscles of the guy breaking trail. (Again.. Thanx Joe)
Expert Skier: Gets all excited cuz it snowed 12 inches, gets up early so he can beat the crowds.
Real Skier: Sleeps in til noon since it only snowed a foot overnight.
Expert Skier: Goes on ski vacation, flies out, rents a fancy Ford Explorer that he parks outside the three bedroom condo he rents.
Real Skier: Comes home from skiing to find some dumbshit tourist has parked a Ford Explorer with a Budget Rent-a-Car sticker in his spot again, pulls the valve stem cores from three tires, and tapes them to the windshield with a nasty note.
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The skier's dictionary
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
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Q: What's the difference between a government bond and a ski bum?
A: government bond will eventually mature and make money.
Q: How many ski patrollers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, they simply hold it up and let the world revolve around them.
(haha... Whistler patrol! Or so I've heard anyways)
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This guy walks into a bar at a ski resort and says "Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?" The bartender says, "I'm a snowboarder, the guy on your right is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your left, and the guy behind you is a snowboarder." So he says, "OK. I'll tell it a little more slowly then..."
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Q: Why do lifties only get half a hour lunch break?
A: Because any longer and they need to be retrained!
(haha... so fucking true!)
Q: What do snowboarders use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce themselves?
A: Ohhh - sorry dude!
Q: How do you become a millionare as a professional skier?
A: Start out a billionare.
(hahahahahahaha...)
BEST EVER!!!....
What's the difference between two large pizzas and a ski instructor?
Two large pizzas can feed a family of five.
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Sort of funny:
friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado.One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So. How did you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift ... "
" ... So, how did you break your arm?"
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