It's that time again. All it took was a few random comments in a completely unrelated thread to put me in a ranting mood. A special thanks to fireunderwater, skogenjake, brembuster49, and all the rest of you for inspiring this. And thank you oakjewlery for the deliciously awful links. You should all be happy...or ashamed...I guess it all depends on how you react to this. Please direct your vegetable throwing elsewhere, I don't like cabbage.
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Please do your best to comply with these six rules, you have been warned. Remember, God stabs a bunny every time you break one of these rules. Just think about the cute wittle bunnies.
Who watched cartoons when they were a little kid? I sure did. I remember the days before shitty ass Japanimation ruled childrens television. I remembered the days before computers were used for animation. I remember the days when kickass shows like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Smurfs, He-Man, and Transformers ruled the airways. It was the golden age of the Saturday morning cartoons. I remember such great things from the late 80's and early 90's. Unfortunately I also remember this...
Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
The United Sates Surgeon General couldn't have crafted something better. This was undoubtably THE most politically correct show in the history of the world. It's like a half-an-hour "truth" promo. Remember how some cartoon shows had an educational bit thrown in at the very end? This is a whole show like that. It makes me want to stab myself with a phillips head screwdriver.
For those of you that don't remember, the show was about these five kids who were given rings that contained the elemental powers of the world. The kids were given these rings by Gaia, the mother spirit of the earth or some shit like that. This woman was apparently pissed because of all the pollution, pillaging, and overall eco-wrong-doing in the modern world. So what does she do about it? She gives powers to fucking children. Great logic you moody bitch! I'll bet the excuse is "children are innocent and pure, only they can truly understand what is right and wrong." News Flash! Kids are stupid, weak, irritating, irrational, and slow. The only reason they are still pure and innocent is because they think 2+2=Chair. The world is fucked, nice going Gaia.
Anywhoo, these kids went around the world fighting villains who polluted the planet, poached animals, trafficked drugs, or did some other really naughty things. Being the children they are with the intelligence of Campbell's Chunky Soup, they frequently get in shit up to their necks. When this would happen they would combine their rings of power and unleash superhero...drumroll please...Captain Planet!
Yeah, I'm disappointed too. Captain Planet looked almost as gay as He-Man, but at least He-Man could fuck shit up...our buddy CP is basically a Superman but could be weakened by second hand smoke. His weakness is pollution...the very thing he fights against. How the hell is he supposed to save shit when he takes it in the ass from car emissions. And for Christ's sake, Captain Planet has a fucking mullet! Its like he was a big, blue, 1970's gay porn star.
Back to the children. They are a racially diverse group of stereotyped twits. There was the black leader kid from Africa (Kwame) who had the power of "earth." This meant he could make earthquakes and control everything ground based. There was a white American kid (Wheeler), sharp as a tree stump and always in trouble with the law. He was the obvious candidate for the most destructive power, "fire." Linka was an Eastern European chick with a ridiculous accent and could control the power of "wind"...and I'm sure she was the butt of many fart jokes. There was also an Asian chick, creatively named Gi. She controlled the power of "water." Finally, there was the Mexican/South American kid, Ma-Ti. He quite frankly got the shit-end of the stick. He got the power of "heart." This means he could feel the pain of animals, rocks, and other pointless shit. His "heart" power also allowed him to communicate telepathically with his friends...this was pretty convenient seeing as how he is either trapped or captured in every fucking episode!
What kind of bad guys did they battle on a weekly basis? You'll love this. They are "larger-than-life eco-villains." OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! They were either;
A) Evil scientists bent on polluting/destroying the world for no particular reason.
B) Evil mutants bent on polluting/destroying the world for no particular reason.
C) Evil business men (CAPITALISM BAD!) bent on polluting/destroying the world for no particular reason.
Great isn't it. The villains had names like "Looten Plunder," get it? Loot and plunder. Or how about Verminous Skumm or Sly Sludge. Those show writers really busted their assess to be creative didn't they?
Here is how the show format worked. The five kids would run around for 25 minutes and then get into trouble. When the going got tough, they would summon Captain Planet who would solve the whole problem in the last 5 minutes. This happened EVERY damn episode. If thats the case, then why the flying fuck did Gaia give rings to the kids? Wouldn't it be more logical to just summon CP yourself and have him play eco-world-police for a day. Think about it. With that kind of work rate, I could eat off the floor of Chernobyl, I could swim off the south Jersey shore without a six-legged alligator ripping my head off, I COULD SKINNY DIP IN FUCKING RAW SEWAGE; FILLED WITH HIV INFECTED CONDOMS, DIRTY SYRINGES, AND A ROTTING CORPSE!!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING GAIA?!?!?!?!?
That aside, I'd be a bit worried about a couple of those ring users. First off, Wheeler was a troubled kid who had a nasty habit of leaping before he looks. Basically a reckless dumbass. Is that really the kind of guy you should give a ring that can set ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on fire!?!? Its like letting Michael Jackson into a room filled with toddlers. Do you expect nothing to happen? JesustapdancingChrist Gaia, you're giving Charlie Manson a gun!
I really want to know what kind of shit Mother Nature/Spirit/Fairy/Stupid Bitch/Whatever is smoking. It must be some real potent chronic. The second ring-bearer I would be worried about is the little Mexican kid. I'm dead serious. On day he is gonna realize he got the Royal Fuck All © when Gaia was passing out the powers. Everyone else got rings that do cool shit like set fires, create floods, whisk tornados, or cause monumental earthquakes. All Ma-Ti gets is the ability to feel other people's pain and read animals minds. Yeah, being able to hear what animals think is VERY useful. I wonder what Mr. Squirrel is thinking today; "Nuts are food! I must find more nuts! Then I'll take a shit! Then go to sleep! Then wake up and repeat!" I swear the Mexican kid is going to lash out. He's got oodles of pent-up rage. One day he's gonna snap and go on a massive homicidal rampage. HolycowlovingShit Gaia, you're playing shuffleboard with hand grenades!
Gaia's irreversible stupidity aside, I wonder about villains too. Not so much their evilness. Hell, dumping oil into the sea just for the fun of it is pretty evil, but whats the fucking point? It's probably costing them millions a day considering none of their crimes are for anything you could actually make money off of (apart from the poaching). What the hell is Hoggish Greedly (another creative name) going to do when his money runs out. I've got a better idea dipshit. How about you just steal the oil and hold it for ransom! Sure, James Bond will probably drop in and fuck your shit up, but at least you won't have to deal with five little kids and a faggoty-ass blue man in red underwear.
This show was so terrible that I unfortunately can't forget it. I swear to God, if I hear that theme song one more fucking time, I'm going to beat someone with my keyboard. I mean it. I will come to your house and play Drumline with your face!
I need sleep. Quinny out.