Due to budget cuts and ongoing pressure from sponsors (Red Bull Media), last Wednesday we were forced to make some late season modifications to the team. We pride ourselves in featuring highly motivated energetic athletes in our annual films but every so often certain riders “burn out” and can’t live up to these standards. Usually we keep this information personal to ensure that no relationships are destroyed as a result of a press release. However, this time around, we are going public with our decision to provide a rationale for the change and help all you squids understand the dedication and commitment it takes to swim alongside us in the deep dangerous sea.
Some of you may know Mr. Briggles from our Banged-Up Fridays Instagram series for doing tricks with his hands in his pockets and a piff in his fedora. Unfortunately, despite Briggles’ fame, he has spent the majority of this season searching for urban spots on Google Maps, writing erotic lover stories on Buzzfeed, and taking care of Moisty Fred on Sunday mornings after Freed’s embarrassing weekly dirtnaps. Briggles also suffers from an increasingly prevalent condition amongst today’s youth known as, 2ManySpliffs. Some symptoms of this disease include spending excessive amounts of time on the couch doodling cartoon giraffes in a sketchbook and only doing straight airs on the PCMR booters. Despite our best efforts to get Briggles treatment, he has simply become too attached to this “stoney” lifestyle.
Correspondingly, Briggles’ comp results have been slacking over the last few years. He straight aired every single jump in the December ‘14 Dew Tour thinking that his qualifying run was still practice and skipped the North Face Open to attend the Las Vegas Cannabis Cup. We’ve also been notified that the real reason Briggles missed his flight to Sochi last winter was because he got distracted in the airport making new friends on SeshRoulette.com
These are simply not the qualities that comprise a member of the elite hoodcrew69 family. We pride ourselves in diligence and focus and while we’ve done our best to continue to include a team-member suffering from 2ManySpliffs, this change has been a long time coming.
It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. - Barack Obama
Red Bull Media has experienced similar issues with their athletes in the past when they were obliged in 2012 to replace spliff all-star Tanner Hall with young and ebullient Nick Goepper. Red Bull understands that a successful athlete needs healthy nutrients like caffeine and taurine not sedatives like Tetrahydrocannabinol. We would like to extend a wholehearted thank you to Red Bull for offering up one of their world-class Olympians when they saw that we were in need.
Here is the best welcome to the team edit you have ever seen. The rest of the GoeppDawg’s footy will be featured in our 2015 movie to be released this summer. For those of you who still have any interest in watching the Briggler ski, his handful of shots will be donated to the TreeFort Lifestyles feature film.
Once again, thanks to all the little Billies and Susies for your ongoing support and to your parents for offering up their credit cards towards purchasing our movie.
If you are interested in joining the Hood Crew aristocracy and following in the footsteps of three-time X-Games gold medalist Nick Goepper, please send a resumé and cover letter to firstname.lastname@example.org