So here I was, trapped in Floridia, against my will, in a skeezy room at the "homerun hotel" trying to find a way to entertain myself in the few hours i had before my race. I decided to go to the pool. At the pool, I saw that my friends had taken it over. They were proving their dominance the cave man way, biggest man wins. It's times like this when I am so greatful that I have friends who can provide me with pure, unadulterated entertainment, when I am OH so bored. I was lucky enough to get the a picture of my friends in friendly competition over a female.

Now it is important to note that their game of wingman involves destroying eachother. What's that you ask? This seems like a dumb way to go about getting some? That's where you are wrong. As much as i would hate to admit it, their strategy works, and they do in fact attract girls. They succeed in exactly what they set out to accomplish, whether they intend to or not. By proving they are the most viable male, they get, in turn, the strongest, most viable female. Now there exists here a difference between human females, and the aforementioned females. In human society, genetically ideal couples are attractive, and smart. Not these girls however. Since their genes are useless to the genepool, they have no desire to pass them on. All in all, my friends get some really fucked up girls. I hid a camera in the hotel room to try to gain insight into the strange mating rituals practiced by my friends and their husky partners:

Interesting. This is not what i expected at all

I say this, becuase of the position of my friends nose. He is clearly sniffing her back, which can only mean one thing; He wants to know if she uses a loofah back there. Strange friends I have.

SO, after that little tangent from reality, we're back, and I am 10 seconds away from beginning my race. You know what, fuck describing that, it was the worst half an hour of my life. It felt like giving the sandman a blowjob. After that was a treat though. We descended on Downtown Disney. For those of you who don't know, downtown disney is a large, open air mall, with lots of neat stores full of stuff that you unpack when you return from your vacation, and say, "why the hell did i buy this arabian carpet smoother?" The perk to downtown disney, is it's wide range of stores. There is a lego store at one end, and a Virgin records store at the other. And right in the middle of it all: Sosa family cigars. This little hidden gem was totally unforseen when planning the trip. None of us are 18 yet however. I am the closest one, (my ID says 88, but i was born in december, occasionally ID checkers neglect to check the actual date, just the year) so I walked in, made my selections, paid, and left, lock stock and barrel.

I was nibbling the end of my cigar off, so i could light it, and i coughed, and my teeth slipped up the cigar, and i ended up biting the entire end off. If you have ever smoked a cigar without an end, it gives a massive buzz. I was walking around downtown disney, blowing smoke in people's faces, and yes, i am an asshole, this I realize. I was having a great time though, eliciting reactions from everybody.

The next part of the trip will be summarized in picture form:

that was the part where we rode all the rides, and went to epcot, which was exhilirating.

The real fun didn't start until the last night. our plan was to come back from dinner, and just not go to bed, since we had to leave the hotel at 3:15 to head to the airport. The entire trip, I had been suffering from a touch of bronchitis. Every couple hours, i would undergo a coughing fit, and bring up something roughly the color of mustard, and consistency of a rubber band. Well my friends were having another bro-down, this time with a football, seeing how far they could throw it, to determine who is the strongest Rhino- correction- man. Out of nowhere, two baggage carts appeared. We were hanging out in the courtyard of the Touch down hotel, which is layed out as a giant, asphalt football field, surrounded by rooms 3 floors high. There were some drunk hockey players from brooklyn, and a girls/boys cross country team from lemoyne college, equally intoxicated, watching us play football.

The baggage carts appeared, and immediately, jousting was organized.

The name of the game was high speed baggage cart jousting, and the effects were deadly. (side note, instant messenge Daaance partayyy on Aim and tell her, "Jack says that's not the name of the game", please do it)

The first round proved fatal. I was in one cart, with my ginger friend, while my friend tom was in the other cart. Tom and I simoltaneoulsy jumped off our carts, me jumping left, (sending the cart into a right turn), and tom jumping to his left, sending his cart right at me. I got hit first. The cart hit me traveling sideways, and took my feet out from under me, slamming my head into the floor of the cart, and then dragging me several feet before falling over on top of me.

Tom got hit head on by my cart of fury, got tossed, and hit a 25 foot tall fake football helmet before falling 6 feet down onto his head.

We gathered ourselves, and attempted once more. This time, the carts rammed eachother head on, smashing the end of my middle finger. The buzz of fun overrode the pain, and i kept plugging away.

FInally, someone convinced us to jump a stairset in the baggage cart.

Through some act of god, we stuck our landing over the 2 stair. Someone filmed us, and somehwere out there, someone has footage of me and a ginger, jumping a stairset on a baggage cart.

Next, my friends tried to get in the pants of 15 year old brazilian girls who spoke no english, who were convinced that i was a chain smoker because of my coughing (brochitis).

After almost 3 hours at it, the bighorn sheep had gotten no pussy, but tried hard literally up until we were running out the door to the airport.

all said and done, disney world sucks. theres really nothing good there, besides females, which not a single member of my team, myself included (though i wasn't trying) got with.

However,

I would like to thank Sosa Family Cigar shops for making my stay in Disney world so enjoyable.

go fuck yourself newschoolers


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