I have no idea who the people in this picture are
Well, it's happened once more, the world has spun 'round again and brought us another pink fluffy excuse for a holiday. As a skier Valentine's Day brings an interesting set of challenges that must be approached with tact and creativity. Never fear, I'm here to help with advice that could potentially change your personal life forever. (rejection, restraining orders and prison time count as life changing right?)
Are you single, floating like a lone snowflake looking for your own special snowflake mate? Here are a few easy steps to get that Facebook relationship status changed.
Are you a single special snowflake slowly searching for a soulmate?
-COLOGNE. Cologne is a good idea all the time but it is even more important on the slopes. On the chair with a facemask and goggles your scent is often your most recognizable trait. Spread that stuff on thick, I recommend Axe since it comes in cool looking bottles and has edgy flavors like "Dark Temptation." Make sure to apply enough that you leave a scent trail behind you every run, this will make you memorable and will also make it easy for the avalanche dogs to find your body in the case of an emergency.
-SAG. Most skiers already know that sagging their pants is a vital part of style. When looking to meet ladies though, sag becomes especially important. You've probably heard the adage "sun's out guns out" or its less popular sibling, "sky's out thighs out." Well, unfortunately skiing usually requires a lot of clothing which makes it impossible to display the finely chiseled product of countless hours in the gym. Since skiing shirtless is generally frowned upon, your next best alternative is some strategic sag. My brother describes this as "Sun's out buns out." Just make sure it's well executed and you don't try to sit down anywhere, wet undies are a harsh price to pay for inappropriate sagging.
-NAME DROP. If you are lucky enough to score a lift ride with an attractive member of the other gender open the conversation with a casual mention of a pro, this will solidify you as a "rad" skier. Examples: "Yeah, I was just speed checking that jump for Tanner." "Oh yeah, Tom just wanted some pointers on his afterbang." "I spent christmas teaching Adam how to butter." "Bode just texted me the other day, he needs some help with his turns." "Sorry I don't have my GoPro, I lent it to Sander." "Yeah, Glen just called me up to scope some lines for him." Make sure to use only the pros' first names, this lets everyone know how tight you are with them.
-BE A PRO. Casually let it slip how rad you are. Maybe complain about your gear: "Man, I hate always having to ski in next year's stuff!" Talk about comps: "Hopefully they have a bigger jump at Frostgun this year." Or mention how you can hook them up with "sweet pro deals." Chicks dig pro deals. If you happen to be better at talking yourself up than you are at skiing be ready to come up with an excuse, it's always rough when the girl who you just convinced you were a pro rips harder than you. A good excuse is always "Yeah, I need to take it easy to get ready for X-games."
-HUCK. If all else fails and she seems to be losing interest go huck something stupid. Maybe try a trick for the first time or drop a huge cliff, if it doesn't work out you can at least tell everyone in the hospital you got hurt trying to impress a girl, they'll understand.
When in doubt just stare into the mountains and quote John Muir, it makes you seem deeper.
For those already in a relationship Valentine's Day poses an even more unique challenge, this is the kind of holiday that can really make or break a couple.
-SKIING IS ROMANTIC. I mean seriously, what better time to introduce your significant other to the sport you love. You love skiing, you maybe love them, what could go wrong? Nothing builds a relationship quite like paying exorbitant amounts of money to freeze your butt off while also trying to teach a difficult skill to the person you care about. Just make sure to yell lots of helpful advice as loudly as possible and remember that humiliation makes lessons stick longer.
-BE YOURSELF This is also a good time to let your significant other see you at your worst, if they can handle you in a flannel shirt, long underwear and stinky ski socks they can probably handle you anytime. Don't worry about deodorant or showers or washing your clothes, that stuff is all for posers. Just don't be offended if they do the same to you. It's not nice to tell your significant other that they stink when you look and smell like some reject from a 60's commune.
-MAKE IT SPECIAL. Don't settle for roses or chocolates or any of that sappy junk. You're a skier, you can do better than that. Holding doors might be chivalrous but what's even better is bringing them their poles when they yardsale. Don't have the budget for filet mignon and candlelight? Throw some jerky in that Cup Noodles and enjoy it under the flickering cargo light of your Subaru. Roses are nice but hand warmers are even better. A box of chocolates might be romantic but that granola bar that's been in your pocket all year is a lot cheaper and won't break when you crash on it. Just remember it's the thought that counts.
Hopefully these pointers help you navigate this flirty excuse for a holiday. Just don't come crying to me if you find yourself dumped, either out of your relationship or off a chairlift.