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It was six years ago when I was eighteen. I had been in my first year of college so needless to say my student diet wasn't that great. My boyfriend and I were house sitting for a friend and on the third night there I was awoken to the most terrible stabbing pain in my stomach. I tried to get to the bathroom but I ended up collapsing on the floor in a near fetal position, barely able to breathe and sweating profusely. My boyfriend hears me fall and gets up to see what is wrong. I can't speak, the pain is so great and I am having a hard time breathing so he painstakingly leads me to our friends car and drives me to the hospital.
At this point I'm in so much pain from him not really knowing how to drive a stick and jerking and stalling along the way that he has to go in and ask for assistance. I'm loaded onto a gurney and strapped in because the outstretched position nearly kills me with pain and I start lashing out. After the doctor cuts off my clothes and sees no outward injuries on my stomach, he begins to compress on my stomach which nearly makes me pass out. He thinks my appendix must have burst, or that I had a ruptured intestine. I'm administered IV Morphine and finally get some relief.
They roll me down the hall and take some instagrams of my stomach. To get the X-rays back takes a while, so while we were all awaiting the pics I was administered more morphine. Eventually, a big woman with a Texas accent enters the room and exclaims, "You're full of shit!"
"What?" I ask, completely confused and holding my stomach. "I'm serious. I'm in a lot of pain."
"Oh, no doubt," she said, and pulls out an X-ray of my stomach. "See all that white in your guts?" She points with her pen and traces all the way from my anus up through my large intestines. "You are LITERALLY full of shit. I have never seen someone so full of shit in my life."
My boyfriend erupts in laughter and the nurse is trying her best to hide her amusement as she has been tending me through the hours and knows that I am obviously in a lot of pain. I groan but am a bit amused myself. It WAS pretty funny, after all. I ask the doctor what they were going to do about it and she said that they were going to do an enema and see how that went. I was given laxatives and a ton of water and told to wait 20 minutes. I can feel my stomach rumbling a bit at this point and it hurts me a lot when it does.
Eventually a nurse wheels in what looks like a dominatrix sex rack, complete with ankle and wrist straps. My boyfriend again erupts into a fit of laughter. I am not amused this time. I'm starting to get a bit embarrassed so before we begin I ask that he leave. He pretty much begs me to let him stay but I'm having none of it. After he leaves the nurse wheels in what looks to be some sort of futuristic pressure washer; I'm pretty much right.
She straps my ankles and wrists to the rack in an upright position and proceeds to insert the tube into my ass. It's uncomfortable and cold, but hey, I'm gay so it's like.. whatever. She then turns it on, and like the first mate on the Titanic begins to slowly increase power and pressure. I can feel and SEE my stomach begin to inflate slightly and OH MERCY does it hurt like nothing else. It felt like knives were pushing OUT of me now, ever so slowly. I cry out but she insists MORE POWER and I keep filling up like a balloon, hollering in agony. After a minute or so of constant pressure she turns it off and tells me to clench up because she was removing the tube. I want nothing more than to do just the opposite, but I assume she knows what she's doing and follow orders. She then attached another tube to a hose and inserts it. This one is MUCH bigger and the lube is cold as fuck, but I'm gay so it's still whatever.
She then proceeds to Hoover my mother fucking insides. After 30 seconds I hear a "hmmm". I ask her what the problem was and she told me nothing was coming out but I beg her not to pressure wash my guts again. At this time the doc comes in as she's pulling out my butt plug and informs me that the shit packed in my colon is too wide in girth to be machine enema'd out. She was going to have to do this manually.
She has the nurse grab a bucket, a plain white janitors bucket and puts it underneath me. She then puts on the latex gloves, completely lubes up her hands and begins what I consider to be some sort of medical fingerbang to loosen me up. After a while of this (I was trying to keep my mind focused on something other than this butch P.E. teacher-lookin' southern woman giving me assplay legally so I wasn't keeping track of time) she brings out a stretching device and begins to open me with it. At this point I feel so ashamed of myself, but I'm also doped out of my mind. The pain begins to come back in full force and I start shouting for more painkillers but Lady McGuyver down there tells me that they can't administer more because it will stop me up even more. I'm just going to have to deal with it until they can "unclog me". So, I endure as I'm being stretched. It hurts like hell down on my asshole, too. I feel her fingers in there and she tells me to push. So, I push. I push so hard that I feel like the blood vessels in my face are popping. My head starts to bang. I'm pushing hard and she's telling me to push more. I must have been screaming my head off. I can't imagine that I wasn't. Finally, I felt something give. She told me to push more and I did I could feel things moving. So, I push some more. After a minute I finally feel myself deflating as water and shit debris tumble out into the bucket. It all happened very quick after that. I was unobstructed and gushing hot lava a minute later and finally felt complete, utter, blissful relief.
I was told after I woke up in the hospital 8 hours later, around 5 PM, that the doc literally helped deliver my shit child. I had never been more embarrassed in my life. But, as time passes, and my humor "evolves", I find myself laughing about it. I changed my diet immediately after and have a good healthy bowel movement at least once a day. I found it strange how my depression lifted a lot after that. I had been severely depressed for a couple of weeks before that and I found out that being constipated does that.
So, your turn!
TL;DR Got severely constipated so much that I had to go to the ER, where enemas and laxatives didn't work. A woman doctor had to crank my asshole open and help me deliver a shit baby with her hands.
