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How To Read Tabloids

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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089

A nifty guide to understand what tabloids, the Yellow Press and Internet news media are saying, but actually mean.



"Never Before Seen Exclusive Video!" = Been on YouTube for two months

"Terrifyingly Freezing Weather!" = -22 F

"Highly Popular Musician..." = 99% of people have never heard of

"...is causing hilarity on the Internet.." = Out of topics, blurb about funny video from last year

"...has confused large amounts of people.." = Reporters are confused

"Viewers were FURIOUS.." = Two angry grannies complained

"...was rushed to the hospital..." = Was taken to the hospital with ambulance within speed limits

"Wow!! See the amazing transformation!" = B-List celebrity dyed hair

"A Mysterious Object in the Sky..." = e.g. Hot air balloon

"...has created a large fuss..." = Actually didn't, but let's try once more

"...dressed in very revealing clothing..." = Slight cleavage

"...dressed in almost nothing..." = Slightly more cleavage

"...takes it ALL OFF...!" = Doesn't take it all off

"A Sensational Revelation..." = Some insignificant story from the '60s

"...in the grips of a fierce disease...!" = Stomach flu

"...had a highly secret affair..." = Everyone knew, but did not care until elections

"A Superstorm approaches!" = Slight breeze

"...amidst great sorrow..." = Someone died

"A Deadly Superbacteria!" = Regular bacteria

"A known TV celebrity..." = That bimbo from Big Brother 2005

"A Violent Epidemic draws nearer...!" = Three vagrants die from it in Northeast China

"A highly dangerous situation..." = No imminent danger

"The authorities sternly warn citizens..." = Will never happen, but kind of could, maybe

"A life of drugs held in secret...!" = Smoked marijuana twice in college

"Finnish movie star in a prominent role...!" = Plays corpse for 10 seconds in CSI: New York




Feb 1 2012 10:13AM
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PJS.
Posts: 11943 - Karma: 895
lulz. I don't get why people read tabloids.
Feb 1 2012 10:21AM
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Blurst
Posts: 13577 - Karma: 10,168
well now i wont be tricked into reading improper shit
Feb 1 2012 10:37AM
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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089
"To pass the time" is the most common answer I've heard to that question.
Feb 1 2012 10:48AM
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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089
But if you happen to be sprayed with bullshit at some point, you'll know how to react.
Feb 2 2012 5:35PM
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freestyler540
Posts: 13050 - Karma: 18,314
I dont read them, but if I pick one up I flip through and put it down...thats about it, all the stories suck about people I dont care
Feb 2 2012 5:59PM
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BenWest
Posts: 470 - Karma: 89
I remember when I was a kid reading a copy of the National Inquirer, there was a story about a judge that wore nothing under her robes at work, and another story about how some cursed mummy caused the titanic to sink. Thankfully I was told what kind of a rag it was before I started reading. I generally stay away from tabloids like the Inquirer, Fox News, and the majority of papers ending with the name "Sun"
Feb 2 2012 6:09PM
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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089
I could have titled this thread a bit badly, haha.

I'm mostly on about sensationalist press hyped up on headlines that sell. At least in Finland we have a lot of broadsheet format newspapers that are seen seen as integral, but we also have the "dailies" that are probably comparable to these Sun-type deals you're referring to.

I just felt that tabloid was the closest word.
Feb 2 2012 6:13PM
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PJS.
Posts: 11943 - Karma: 895
I think you'd be hard pressed to find news that isn't sensationalized in some way. But yeah, tabloids are particularly bad.
Feb 2 2012 6:15PM
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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089
I'd like to think that most mainstream media in Finland is unsensational, mostly just like "Man robs bank, gets 4000 euros, police catch robber, man is suspected of robbery, case closed" and that's where it ends, but then there's all the Yellow Press/Celebrity-fueled bullshit that seems to trump any and all real information all around us.
Feb 2 2012 7:01PM
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PJS.
Posts: 11943 - Karma: 895
I wouldn't mind Finland, if thats the case. I live in America, so obviously I view mostly american news sources, with maybe some bbc or al-jazeera every now and then, and a huge proportion of the popular news mediums are sensationalist.
Feb 2 2012 7:27PM
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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089
This is a good example.

Click for larger image.
Feb 2 2012 8:14PM
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PJS.
Posts: 11943 - Karma: 895
Click for larger image
Feb 2 2012 8:17PM
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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089
HAHAHAH that's how it is.
Feb 2 2012 8:29PM
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lineskier10
Posts: 11339 - Karma: 796
i bet they dont have tabloids in finland and the finnish news is the best in the world, am i right mike-o?
Feb 2 2012 8:32PM
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Spinoza
Posts: 12763 - Karma: 3,844
"the groundhog saw his shadow" = you ppl are fkn stupid for trusting an animal for your weather report
Feb 2 2012 8:40PM
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Mike-O
Posts: 14593 - Karma: 1,089
Did you even read what I posted?

Feb 2 2012 8:41PM
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