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Heres something a close friend wrote, I personally enjoyed it.
I’ve been needing this place for a while, but never realized that it was right there in-front of my eyes. I currently have no internet privacy, here no one knows who I am, and frankly they probably don’t care who I am, This is good.
Where should I start, This is going to end up my personal journal, personal, yet public, not that anyone will read this.
Here are some details about me,
I’m an ordinary guy going into grade 11, who somehow stumbled upon an extra-ordinary job, not really all to sure how I pulled that one off. yeah, you may think what guy has feelings or uses tumblr, my answer is because its the only place I can write anonymously. You will never get to know who I really am, and thats the way I need it.
Time for the stories from my past that I seem to dwell on, I guess its because they make me who I am.
Since the very beginning my life has been filled with conflict, my earliest memory, even though that I know what it led to, still brings a smile to my face for some reason, I don’t know why. My most prominent feeling in this memory was I felt helpless, not quite sure how old I was, but I couldn’t walk yet, I could heard a heated argument coming from the kitchen, my parents fighting. Even to this day I still hate conflict, and at that young age I crawled silently into the kitchen to between where my parents were standing, somehow they never noticed. Then I proceeded to get their attention to distract them from their argument, so i just sat their and started balling my eyes out, and it worked. I wish it was that easy these days.
Sometime between that and the next event I was molested by someone whom I thought was a close friend, he lied, I believed him, he took advantage of me. I don’t need to go into detail for that one.
The next major event that really defined my life was when my mom took us away from our father and we moved into my grandfathers house, at that time I believe I was in grade 1. I don’t think I saw my dad for almost a year after that, while my sister was attempting to make sneak phone calls to him. I don’t know why I didn’t try to call him… but about a year or two later we started going to our dads house every other week.
Fast Forwards a Few Crazy years that involved moving about 4 times. Now we are about 4 years ago.
A Family trip with my mom, and her new fiance. At dinner, about 6 hours away from home, I found out the true purpose of the trip, they were eloping and getting married in 2 days, over 6 months earlier than they had planned. Similar to a bundle of bricks getting dropped on top of a car, I was crushed. I felt betrayed, from that point on my one mission was to make the trip a living hell, whether it was creating a scene in the lobby of the resort, or asking my new step-dad why he had Viagra in his toiletries, I was ready to do anything, and I did. Now I come to like my step-dad more than I like my real dad, it really hurts me to say that, but its the truth, my step-dad is a great person who doesn’t judge and is willing to do almost anything for someone. Yet the funny thing is that I live with my dad currently, but I will get to explain that later.
Going through middle school was a troublesome time for me, still being hurt from my mom eloping, I set out to become the ultimate asshole. I was sick, contemplating suicide every night, purposely pushing people to the end of their wits just to see their reaction, looking back, it disgusts me that I got to that point. School was hard for me then to, getting pushed through windows and gang beaten in hallways was just a few of my issues while attempting to survive middle-school.
Then came the day I pushed a little too far, I was kicked out. Then deciding to continue to stir the pot I decided I should go to my moms house to get my stuff, I broke into the garage but the cops came before I could get anything. later that week my mom invited me over for dinner, somehow I managed to get the cops called on me again. Not my proudest moment, yet somehow after that I was blessed with an amazing job, i’m not sure why someone thought that I deserved it, but it did save my life. I felt meaning, even though I had self conflicting feelings of emptiness, and that I didn’t deserve it.
One year after that, I had enough self confidence to start socializing with humans of the female variety, 2 Girls both amazing people, would have loved a relationship with one of them, but one of them was my sisters best friend, I found out that wasn’t going to work. The other one, lets give her the name of “Cody”, she was amazing, smart, cute, good sense of humor, I felt safe around her. I had this feeling for her, one that I had never felt before, one that I labeled “love”. So one night when I was in the car home from a long day at my amazing work, I was texting “Cody” and I told her that I had those feeling for her by using the word “love”. Things didn’t pan out as planned, I got scared and decided to hurl myself into the friend zone as quickly as possible. That’s really the end of that for then, we stayed friends I guess but never really hung out at all. The truth is now I’m thinking I really never got over her completely.
Then that winter my dad, whom I have been living with for the last 2 years fell out, we both snapped, again I tried pushing to far, just because I felt hurt, and didn’t know of any other ways to deal with this “hurt”, it just built up until like everything when it builds up, it collapses. I ended up going to an amazing therapist, one whom I had been to before, but wasn’t ready to take anything from it those times, but this time I was. And I did.
During this time I met another girl, somehow we tragically fell in “love”. This one was unique though, our love had to travel a distance, almost 3000km’s of distance to be exact. We lasted a month, she was an addict, whatever she could get her hands on to alter her reality, she would, then it turned into lies, upon lies, upon lies, until they collapsed.
That brings me to now, pretty much conflict free for the last few months. My relationship with my dad is still quite strained, he isn’t home much due to work and his new fiance, which I personally don’t like, but its what makes him happy. And after everything I put him through, he deserves to be, and so does my mother for that fact.
The real reason I’m writing this goes back to the girl named “Cody”, I went on a walk with her yesterday, and I feel I still have those feelings that I labelled as “love” almost 12 months ago. And like i tend to do when I’m lost I start thinking, and this was a result of that thinking. I’m also thinking that I would like to try over with “Cody”. But I feel I may have waited too long, but life is to short to let things and people to pass you by…
This Could Be Interesting.
