hmm, some of my favorites
Hobo: Hey, any of you fellas got a match?
Drunk guy: Yeah I got a match, my ass and your face!
Hobo: I hear ya.
Med student guy #1: Wait up, you're saying that nearsighted means you can't see far? But it should, like, mean that you can't see near.
Med student guy #2: Yeah, I know, it's like backwards or something.
Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you -- you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It's cheap.
SAT prepping kid #1: What's hydrolysis?
SAT prepping kid #2: Dude, don't you play Grand Theft Auto? Hydrolysis is what makes the cars bump up and down.
SAT prepping kid #3: Um...Hydrolysis is the splitting of things in water.
SAT prepping kid #2: Whatever. Same thing.--
Girl #1: ...but I don't know what I'll do if I get pregnant.
Girl #2: Just take a pill.
Girl #1: Great, now we can't go swimming.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: 'Cause it's raining. That'd be, like, double wet.
Girl #2: Oh.
Fat black girl running in bikini: Yo, bitch, why you didn't tell me my titty was hangin' out?! Shit!
Innocent, spooked bystander girl: What?!
Fat black girl running in bikini: Never mind, bitch!
Creepster: Her dad says I'm too old to be hitting on a 13-year-old girl, so I do the math. But if you let them get their belly button pierced, they are going to get attention.
Chick on cell: Yeah, we got a ticket for going 80 miles per hour on the way here, though. Wanna know why? We were trying to catch up to a giant truck full of chickens!
Black guy to friends: Now I can officially say I am the darkest nigga on the beach.
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
Housemate: So, last night I was so high on acid that I thought the whole beach was made of cocaine, and now I can't breathe.
Chick #1 disappears into bedroom with dude.
Chick #2: Go ahead, bitch, suck his dick. It's sandy and it tastes like me.
Lawn Care Customer: “Can you fertilize me next week?”
Ski Resort Guest: “Hey! You guys really go all out.”
(Me with puzzled look on face)
Ski Resort Guest: “You guys have that robotic bear crossing underneath the lift just as we went over.”
Me: “Sir, we don’t have any robotic bears.”
Ski Resort Guest: “What? You mean that was a real bear?”
Me: “Yes sir.”
Ski Resort Guest: “Ahhh. We were gonna hike down but I think we’ll just take the lift.”
The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:
Customer: “… Uggghhh!”
Me: “What happened?”
Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.”
Me: *silence* “Oh….”
Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!”
Me: “Click the little X near the top.”
Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”
Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”
Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!”
Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”
Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”
(few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)
Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”
Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”
Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”
(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)
Customer: “Alright, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”