How to write a Lil Wayne verse in 10 easy steps! :
1. Pick a Verb. Preferably a verb about running
away from the law or from an assailant. I.E. Duck, Run, Dodge or maybe
Stop, Drop or Roll. L'il Wayne LOVES stopping, dropping and rolling.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
2. Connnect the verb to some sort of simile. This is crucial. Every
single L'il Wayne line must contain some sort of relatively obvious
simile. So maybe you can "duck like Scrooge." "Run like a bloody nose."
Or even "Dodge like Kansas." You can do metaphors but try to steer away
from doing this too often, lest people think that you are a different
ghost-writer. That is bad. Also for bonus points talk about how "sweet"
you are. L'il Wayne loves talking about being sweet like a Tahitian
Treat or some other delicacy high in sucrose.
3. Mention "Slanging Keys." This is crucial to establish street
cred. Don't pay attention to the fact that L'il Wayne's been famous
since 12 and the only thing he knows about slangin' is that he speaks
with it. After all, if you don't talk drugs how else can you impress
the translucent Dairy Queen-white music critics. This way they can also
compare you to the Wire. (Just remember to connect all that "slanging
keys" talk with a simile).
4. Declare that you are Weezy F. Baby. This will tell listeners who
you are. Sure, they probably already know, but adding The "F" in the
middle of the name uncertainly adds to Wayne's level of class. It makes
him seem like F. Scott Fitzgerald. Exactly like F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Whatever you do, don't attempt to ascertain what the "F" stands for.
That my friends is a slippery slope. And whatever you do, don't think
about what the "F" stands for while looking at a picture of Wayne and
Baby making out.
5. Talk about hustling. Music critics love hustling. Presumably,
they are devotees to the energetic style of basketball popularized by
players like Ben Wallace, Kurt Rambis and Mark Madsen. This will make
them feel at home. If there's anything music writers know about, it's
hustling.
6. Talk about Baby. Call him your Daddy. Forget the fact that he's
not actually your Daddy. Forget the fact that the majority of people
that call other men "daddy" are prostitutes. It's unimportant. Mention
something that Baby told you. Maybe that he told you that "these is ."
Or that he told you to "Turn around and stick out." (Maybe, he was just
quoting Sir-Mix-A-Lot.) Ignore the fact that you call a man named
"Baby," "Daddy." Let's just chalk that up to being a New Orleans thing.
7. Make some sort of obvious pop culture technology reference. Talk
about IPods. Or Myspace. Or gigabytes. Something remotely
technological. It will show that Wayne is not completely retarded (just
partially) and might have actually read a newspaper once or twice.
Which clearly means he is a genius.
8. Talk about how poorly you treat women. Perhaps you can claim how
you'll "never love a ." Or how you'll "never give a ho a damn thing."
The more misogynistic the better. This will definitely do much to steer
people away from those nasty "gay" rumors.
9. Apropos to nothing, make some sort of remark about Hurricane
Katrina. No need to bother making it have anything to do with the rest
of the verse. After all, never underestimate white liberal guilt. Any
sort of name-dropping will make white liberals feel bad and they will
forget the fact that Wayne is a multi-millionaire and anoint him the
voice of the people. Also, be sure to make wild ridiculous conspiracy
theories like claiming that you heard George Bush blew up the levees.
The more absurd the better. Go for it.
10. Proclaim yourself the "Greatest Rapper Alive."Forget the Fact
that Wayne would be lucky to be included in a list of the Top 20
rappers working right now. Most music critics haven't listened to Hip
Hop Made Before 1999 anyway (other than Public Enemy). If you proclaim
yourself the greatest, you will be the greatest. Or at least people
will be foolish enough to buy this canard.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
