theres some fucked up kid at school named david wall from texas,hes so fucken messed up man,he thinks hes a vampire and one of my friends cut his finger in auto class and put some kleenex on it to wipe up some blood and threw the kleenex in the garage and next thing you know,the david wall fucked is in the garbage and is licking my friends blood!
'Here's my plan for if I ever become a vampire. Instaed of going through all
the rigamarole of murdering people, luring them somewhere, covering up my
tracks, worrying about police, the human escaping and telling everyone, etc.
I would just keep a big, fat cow in my yard or basement. And I would treat
it real well, hay, grass, oats, whatever it wanted to eat and I would have a
groomer and give it a padded bed to sleep in. And also, instead of going up
and biting it and getting blood everywhere on my face and hurting the cow
every day and leaving scars all over it, I would install a valve in a hole
in the cow's neck and when i needed to feed I would just put a hose with a
raspberry flavored mouthpiece in the hole and drink my fill, cleanly. And if
this was how i lived I would not even have to hide the fact that I was a
vampire. Why would anyone care? I'd hang out, throw some good parties, do my
thing with the ladies, etc. But never hurt anyone. Not even PETA could get
mad at me because the cow wouldn't even notice the loss of 2 gallons of
blood a day and with the valve system, after the initial valve-installation
surgery during which the cow would be sedated, the cow would never feel any
pain at all and it would be living the ultimate cow lifestyle. I would name
him Lolly Pop, get it? So what would the mob of villagers say? Let's get him
he's a cool guy who throws parties, never hurts anyone and makes a random
cow's life heaven. I'd be at the Sox games, concerts, I could even go to
night school. And I could stop crime whenever I saw it because I would be
invincible. Then what would the mob say? Get him! He fights crime!
Better yet, I could just hook Lolly Pop directly to a valve in my wrist,
that way I wouldn't even have to taste gross cow blood and my teeth would
stay white. It would be the greatest life ever.'-Michael Maguire II
'...all fled before his face. All save one. There waiting, silent
and still in the space before the gate, sat Gandalf upon Shadowfax.'
'It's not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it.'
How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10, 1 to do it, and 9 to say 'I can do that.'
'Dude, we're sick. He's pretty sick, but his muscles aren't as big as mine, so you know.'-CR Johnson