tarzan had been living in the jungle alone for 30 years and had grown accustomed to using trees as sex mates. when jane discovers him vigorously humping one of the knotholes in a tree for the first time, she offers herself to him being attracted to his jungle manlyness. as he lays her down in the wild grass, tarzan backs up, gets a running start and whales her in the crotch. screaming in pain, jane yells at tarzan 'what the hell did you do that for?' tarzan replies 'always check for squirrels.'
the queen of england is visiting one of the finest hospitals and is taking the tour when she walks in on one of the patients masturbating. disgusted, she asks the doctor in charge what the meaning of this is. 'well, this man has a testicle condition where he has to masturbate 5 times a day or his testicles will explode from a seamen overload and he will die a slow and painful death withouot any balls' this seems logical so the queen continues her tour through the hospitol. later, she walks in on a man getting head from one of the young nurses. disgusted, she asks the doctor again what is going on. the doctor says 'same condition, better health plan'
a teacher, trying to broaden her kindergarten children's sense reception gives them flavored candies that they do not know the flavor of. the children successfully get strawberry, apple, cherry, grape, and bannana, but when the teacher gives them honey, they are all stumped. the teacher gives them a hint. 'it's probably something all of your parents call each other at home kids.' little johnny, wide eyed with fear yells to the class 'spit them out, they're assholes!'
3 men standing at the top of the empire state building. they decide to see who's dick is the longes. first guy's dick goes half way down. second guy's dick goes all the way down. third guy's dick goes down the street. the other 2 start laughing at him. third guy says 'why are you laughing? my dick is the longest!' first guy says 'there's a steamroller comming downt the street.'
little billy goes to school and the teacher tells the class that they are going to be learning multiple syllable words that day. little billy volunteers the word mas-tur-bate. teacher says 'wow billy, that's a mouthful' 'no teacher' says little billy 'you're thinking of a blowjob.'
transcript from an actual cort record: 'just what did you do to prevent the accident?' 'closed my eyes and screamed as loud as i could'
7 most important people in a blonde's life: 1.dentist: open wide. 2.doctor: take off your clothes. 3.milkman: do you want it in the front or back? 4.hairdresser: do you want it teased or blown? 5.interior designor: once it's in you'll love it. 6.banker: if you take it out now, you'll lose interest. 7.hunter: always goes deep in the bush, always shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
why do brides wear white? to match the fridge.
what's the difference between a black man and a pizza? a pizza can feed a family of four
a man pulls a car over for going unusually slow. a blonde is driving and when asked why she was driving so slowly, she says that the speed limit was 11mph. it turns out that that was the route name of the highway she was on. when asked why all of her passengers were ghost white, she replied 'we just got off route 119
zach strikes again
they say i got stupid when i hit my head
