Just when you thought this election couldn’t get any more crazy, Wikileaks has released another round of emails from presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton’s private email server. The most recent leak contains top-secret information like the secret to good risotto, and speculation about aliens. However, buried deep beneath these secrets the Radical Radish has found emails relating to Hillary’s quest to perfect the cork 5 blunt.
The leak comes at a critical time for the Clinton campaign as the democratic nominee seeks to appeal to a younger and trendier voters. After a bitter primary run against Bernie Sanders, young freeskiing voters have become disenchanted with the candidate, and her “robotic” style. One Newschoolers member went as far as saying that he’d “rather watch Goepper’s old slope runs, than Clinton.”
This leak may come as a major setback. In a message to her campaign manager Hillary wrote, “can’t I just do mute 10’s? Landing backwards is dumb, and that goddamn arm swing makes me look like those stupid scandanavian kids.” That later remark, referring to The Bunch, has voters up in arms, especially after her recent outreach to style-conscious voters. One undecided voter told us, “I’m not even mad, just disappointed. Not only did she lie, but she can’t even grab blunt. I miss Bernie, his butters were so clean, and his style was so natural.”
While recent polls have shown that skiers prefer Clinton’s style to that of Donald Trump, her advisers warned in the leaked emails that voter turnout amongst newschool skiers has the potential to be the clinching factor on election day. Hillary’s campaign manager responded, “I don’t even think Trump can ski, so this could be YUUUGE for us, lol.” He continued with the secret she was waiting for, “I watched some Wallish videos, just carve harder and dip your shoulder. And just swing your arms when you land, I don’t get it either, but The Bunch is so hot right now.”
Trump enjoys currently enjoys a major lead amongst racers, but is lagging far behind Clinton amongst freeskiers. The Trump campaign did not return our request for comment, however he was last seen sulking around the Aspen locker room disappointed that the women were only changing from shoes into their ski boots.