The art of courting a female in a small ski town is a skill few have mastered. For some, the Alta female is like the Porcupine; although it is often around, when you see one, you are shocked, confused and petrified all in the same moment. With the predicament of an often-outnumbered population of males to females at Alta, the male has the challenge of out-competing their fellow ski-bros for the likes of a rad ski-lady. This competition can lead to incredible frustration amongst males in the ski community. While few become successful in courting a majestic Alta woman, the majority resort to large amounts of drinking, “bro time”, and more drinking to cure their irritability. Occasionally, some males might look to the mountains to fix their frustrations, but it rarely happens.
Often these frustrated males wonder, “what do I need to do to “woo” one of these beautiful women into my arms?” Fortunately, there are people like me who have failed again and again so the common man can succeed. Although I’ve had little (meaning zero) success courting a female myself, I have spent countless hours researching those successful in the art of Alta seduction. In this article, I hope to share with you some key building blocks to courting one of the fine women at Alta in hopes that those like me will someday find love in a place so wild.
Step One: Introduction
Before you begin thinking of bigger steps, the mountain woman of your dreams must know your name. Sure, you guys have maybe seen each other around the mountain or at the PDAWG in years past, but she has no clue who you actually are.
It’s best to have a friend make a warm introduction to get things off on the right foot. Shoot for a Alta Bomb session on the patio where tons of other people are around so you won’t stick out like the beater you are. Ideally, a friend will sit near the Alta princess you are wishing to court, and he/she will introduce you. Brief your friend beforehand so they can talk about all of your ski accolades, charm, and good character.
Next, dive right into conversation. Try and isolate the female from other competing males by directing your attention at her and no one else at the table. If there is one thing the Alta princess loves, it’s when you talk about yourself. Make sure to bring up all the sick pow you skied that morning, rope drops you got, and any notable cliffs you sent. If you’re not a big sender, no worries! She wasn’t skiing with you and won’t know the difference. If you’re really on top of your game, you’ll have some GoPro footage or Instagram clips you can dazzle her with.
After discussing your morning, you can tell her about the more detailed parts of your existence. Try and weave in how your parents own a rafting operation that you manage, or how sick of a kayaker or mountain biker you are.
At all costs, keep the conversation on you and keep talking. The Alta female is not interested in herself, and wants to live through the better, much more fulfilling life of an Alta male. After you all have finished your bombs, make sure to remember her name by plugging it into your Instagram to stalk at a later time. When you feel confident, send her a follow and start plugging away at those DMs until she’s convinced she needs to go on a ski date in order for you to leave her alone.
Step Two: Ski Date
The ski date is the perfect stepping stone to winning yourself an Alta lady. The skiing gives you time to show her how sick you are, while the chairlift ride allows you to tell her more about how cool you are. Make sure to bust out at least one backflip during your ski date. Chicks love a guy who can backflip. If your date is a total drag and does not realize how much of a sender you are, call for backup and have some of your boys ride the chair with you to break up some of the monotony.
Sometimes an in-bounds date won’t get the job done and you’ll need a backcountry tour to really impress her. Show off that big backcountry brain of yours by making all the decisions without asking her opinion. Also make sure to take her somewhere original like Patsey Marley or Twin Lakes Pass. If an in-bounds date won’t get the job done, this is sure to win your gal over.
Step Three: The Bedroom
One of the most intricate parts of the courting process especially in these COVID times is the bedroom meetup. Something a crusty ski bum can only dream of a few times a year, a bedroom meetup takes intricate timing, judgement, and planning. Like I said earlier, I have zero experience with this first hand, but my friends have filled me in on a few key pointers that you’ll need to pay attention to when bringing your Alta princess back for a more intimate meet up.
The biggest and most challenging hurdle one will face in this step is the roommate. The roommate is one of the most notorious cock-blockers in all of society. Often, they cock-block without even knowing it. Avoid this travesty by having a detailed calendar on your door for any potential meetup times. You can also give your roommate a late hint by leaving a pillow, blanket and change of clothes outside the door. Don’t worry about any blowback, your roommate will understand at a later time when you have to return the favor.
The other challenge one might face during these Covid times is the entry. With all entrances and backdoors on lockdown due to the pandemic, you’ll need to find a more creative approach to bringing you lucky lady back to your room. If you’re on the ground level, a simple window should do the trick. If you’re on a second floor though, you’ll need to do some more planning to get the job done. Have that roommate you're kicking out later distract the night auditor while you sneak her through a side entry. When it’s time for her to leave, have your lady simply sneak back out the window. For those on the second floor, hopefully a nice pile of snow lays below your window that she can jump into. Nothing screams romance like sneaking a beautiful gal in and out of the smelly shack you call a home. Make sure to do this step with elegance and grace.
While the Beach Boys think California is the perfect place to find a female, I much prefer an Alta lady. Hardened by the mountains around them, yet elegant like a snowy February, the Alta woman is one of the most beautiful, mysterious beings to walk this earth. Seriously. While other gal’s prefer the comfort of a cozy home and a basic job, the Alta female chases what we all love, the mountains. I am always amazed when I see what these females can do on their skis, in the backcountry, and on the job. On top of all of this, they have to fight off a dozen men a day all clawing at their powder skirts.
Although I hope these tips help you court the woman of your dreams, I seriously doubt it. The Alta female is still a mystery to me, and forever will be. I hope one day you find a woman on these slopes who looks at you like they look at a beautiful, bluebird pow day.