Fuck my life. Thats pretty much been the overriding message prevailing in my head throughout today.
Woke up. Still drunk from mindless drinking last night with no purpose or goal. Met my mother, who made me expose my financial dilemma and explained to her that its going to take me 6 months of paying off my other debt on my meager income before even attempting to pay off the $3000 I owe them for a car. With my margin at the end of the month, we're looking at years. Fuck My Life.
I am the paradox at the supermarket where I work. I am the only employee that has a degree, and a good one at that, Biology from University of WA. Respectable. And I'm bagging groceries. And I didnt mind for four months. I was out of school, enjoying nothing but logging in hours and skiing on my days off, and drinking after work with friends. I guess its a rush to be 'done' and finished with something. It makes you happy, having that sense of accomplishment, and nothing can get you down. Fun when you realize the buzz is over. Fuck My Life.
I realized today, after giving one of the worst talks to prospective SAT tutoring students and parents (side job), that this isnt making me happy anymore. I work, I ski, and I drink. Nothing else. And when ski season is over, I'll have narrowed my activities down to two. Work makes me happy. Its not the job though, its because I hate sitting at home. Boring apartment, boring roommate, and the main area is a sterile no-mans land, with each of our rooms a solitary sanctuary that is not to be invaded by the other party. 50% of every hour I enjoy being away from this place is put back into paying for it each month. Fuck My Life.
Girls are another float on my "Fuck my life" parade. After three years of floundering and closing myself off from love after getting dumped by my dream girl ("I just want to have sex with other people") I resolved this year to finally fall in love and find a girl that I want to be crazy about, instead of keeping it safe. 9 more months left I guess. Feels great to have nothing on your horizon and have everyone around you hooking up. Usually, I just say "fuck it, I'm going skiing" and have it melt away, but I find this inescapable. Its rare that I find a girl I'm crazy about. Probably from my last good relationship setting quite a high bar in attractiveness and personality. Sucks even worse to kiss that rare girl that beats it all Valentines day night and go home with her, only to get two weird days of awkwardness immediately after with no explanation and no apparent interest in you whatsoever. Fuck My Life.
So this is the part where we talk about my future, or lack of one. I'm a manager at the supermarket, which pays me shit. None of the jobs I've applied to that would utilize my work in college have called me back for an interview. 32 strikeouts as of today. I decided today that theres nothing for it, and I should do my GRE. Maybe try to get into some sort of physical therapy program in the area or go for a masters in Biology, get some more loans and stay in school. I cant stay in this state of life any longer, financially or mentally. Its best to keep moving, even if I have no idea where I want to go. I have no idea what makes me happy anymore, but this is not it.
And now, back to pretending everything is okay.