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February, 2023

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Lied to my wife to get out of the house and ski did I f*ck up? Advice

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Segsxi
Posts: 457 - Karma: 1,673
So my story goes as follows, I used to work at ski resorts on Mt Hood a couple years ago so naturally I got to ride a lot; my wife never set foot on skis or a snowboard, and lives a rather low intense low risk lifestyle. At first nothing seemed too bad I got to ski she got to stay home and watch Netflix or do whatever a home body does (nothing wrong with that its cool)

I eventually left the low wage mountain jobs and started working with low voltage shit; cool here I am 2 years later doing the same line of work kicking ass at it, bringing home bread to support us, etc.. yet slowly ever so slowly I have felt defeated that my lifestyle dramatically became altered to mirror her lifestyle which as I said is super low intense.. I went from getting 70+ days to these last 2 seasons getting 4 Days combined into 2 years

so I ask that you take all this into consideration when reading post

It is near impossible for me to ask her if I can go skiing because the answer will always be an uncontested “No” or if I do get to go she expects me to be there and back home in 2 hours (which is Impossible) and I usually never hear the end of it when i’m not back in those 2 hours and sometimes get close to getting the boot.

so today I had been telling her that me and my supervisor were going to be going to check out a future project we will take on (bit of a white lie cuz me n supe Did go towards Portland from Bend)

We had actually intended to go skiing at SkiBowl which we did the conditions were crud the rope tow park was fun as fuck though and my soul finally felt fed that I got to do what I love this is only my 2nd day of the season but damn it was so nice I went hard on the features at rope tow I saw all
the homies that work at the Bowl, had good convos with my supe (his lady lets him shred and Encourages it)


anyways I do feel shitty for lying but I also think it is shitty that my partner makes me feel like shit for enjoying skiing, shit even going on a simple hike wouldn’t get “approval”.. so I decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission and it led to me being booted from our apartment lol it sucks I know but I ask you NS and fellow skiers

what would you do?
Feb 6 2022 1:25AM
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snowmonk_
Posts: 13 - Karma: 359
Divorce wife. Go ski.
Feb 6 2022 1:30AM
185 0
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ASSholebomber22
Posts: 5993 - Karma: 65,632
The best bet is to just keep lying to her instead of discussing your feelings about the matter
Feb 6 2022 1:32AM
120 4
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sarc
Posts: 246 - Karma: 1,874
So sorry to hear this.

Don't beat yourself up for lying, but there has to be a way for you to pursue your interests and tell the truth about it. Keep looking for a way...
Feb 6 2022 1:34AM
39 0
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poonis
Posts: 234 - Karma: 1,257
why would you stay with someone who doesn't support your pursuit of your happiness and passions? no disrespect but you need to take a step back and re-evaluate life and decide what you care about the most
Feb 6 2022 1:37AM
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Non_State_Actor
Posts: 4074 - Karma: 13,534
Please tell us you don't have any children?
Feb 6 2022 2:11AM
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Casey
Posts: 7661 - Karma: 22,153
pooniswhy would you stay with someone who doesn't support your pursuit of your happiness and passions? no disrespect but you need to take a step back and re-evaluate life and decide what you care about the most


Let’s just be real women want you to go skiing with your boys and stay out late without them shooting whiskey doing apres shit about as much as it sounds like that would fly
Feb 6 2022 2:37AM
16 1
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blyatful
Posts: 84 - Karma: 253
Honestly man i would never stay with a women who tells me what i have to do or to leave.. This just ain't it, you're not her property no? I'm in a relationship becausr we love the time with each other but i also love the time to enjoy myself and thats how it should be, obviously she enjoys the time alone or eith her friends too.
SegsxiSo my story goes as follows, I used to work at ski resorts on Mt Hood a couple years ago so naturally I got to ride a lot; my wife never set foot on skis or a snowboard, and lives a rather low intense low risk lifestyle. At first nothing seemed too bad I got to ski she got to stay home and watch Netflix or do whatever a home body does (nothing wrong with that its cool)

I eventually left the low wage mountain jobs and started working with low voltage shit; cool here I am 2 years later doing the same line of work kicking ass at it, bringing home bread to support us, etc.. yet slowly ever so slowly I have felt defeated that my lifestyle dramatically became altered to mirror her lifestyle which as I said is super low intense.. I went from getting 70+ days to these last 2 seasons getting 4 Days combined into 2 years

so I ask that you take all this into consideration when reading post

It is near impossible for me to ask her if I can go skiing because the answer will always be an uncontested “No” or if I do get to go she expects me to be there and back home in 2 hours (which is Impossible) and I usually never hear the end of it when i’m not back in those 2 hours and sometimes get close to getting the boot.

so today I had been telling her that me and my supervisor were going to be going to check out a future project we will take on (bit of a white lie cuz me n supe Did go towards Portland from Bend)

We had actually intended to go skiing at SkiBowl which we did the conditions were crud the rope tow park was fun as fuck though and my soul finally felt fed that I got to do what I love this is only my 2nd day of the season but damn it was so nice I went hard on the features at rope tow I saw all
the homies that work at the Bowl, had good convos with my supe (his lady lets him shred and Encourages it)


anyways I do feel shitty for lying but I also think it is shitty that my partner makes me feel like shit for enjoying skiing, shit even going on a simple hike wouldn’t get “approval”.. so I decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission and it led to me being booted from our apartment lol it sucks I know but I ask you NS and fellow skiers

what would you do?
Feb 6 2022 2:39AM
24 1
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Cream_Sauce
Posts: 482 - Karma: 1,561
This is fucked up, how can your wife tell you how to spend your leisure time? Like you're getting after after that bread 5 days a week and on the weekend you're not 'allowed' to enjoy yourself?

My wife would never try to pull that shit on me homie, we would split up pretty fast if she did. And my advice to any chick or dude who has this problem is to split up fast.
Feb 6 2022 3:06AM
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KCoCM
Posts: 963 - Karma: 8,740
tahts gunna be a "cya later bitch" from me dawg. skiing makes you feel better than she ever will. you know how i know? cuz i love my girl too but she aint got nothing on skiing its not even close
Feb 6 2022 4:12AM
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,385
makes my heart hurt reading this, seen a lot of my friends relationships go this route.

Lying isn’t good, but cut yourself some serious slack. As an adult you should never have to ask someone else’s permission to do a wholesome, innocent hobby you enjoy. Yes you need to make time for your loved ones but you are by no means their slave.

Was the act of you lying to her nefarious? No, you’re a human being that wants to be outside and do something that makes them happy / lying was the only way you felt you could actually go do something you’re ENTITLED to do and that is HEALTHY for your psyche.

So many times I see these relationships go in the “I let you do this, so you can’t do that” or “well remember how I let you get dinner with your friends?” Type behavior. It’s whack as fuck, and you end up having to negotiate every aspect of basic living in some sort of checks and balance hell.

I have never been married so I don’t want to sound like I have the answers, but if you’re the one “bringing home the bread” it’s ridiculous you got kicked out of a home you predominantly provide for. Not to mention over such a ridiculous thing.

Think you need to have a serious talk and explain to her that being active is what makes you happy / good for your physical and mental health as a human.



Ofcourse own up to the fact you shouldn’t have lied, but explain you felt backed into a corner of feeling like it was the only way you would be able to ski. Maybe Segway that into explaining you feel like she should want you to be happy / that the “permission to do something wholesome” thing needs to stop due to it being controlling.

idk man, word it better.

End of the day if she cares for you deeply she should be able to understand and want you to be able to live life happily doing things you love.

If she doesn’t and only wants yo control your actions then she loves you in a pretty damn selfish way.
Feb 6 2022 4:20AM
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,385
You gotta totally revamp the way your dynamic is because you can’t deal with this for the rest of your life.

If she can’t chill out and change then there’s no way you’ll stay together. Kicking you out for a fucking dumb lie to go SKIING is one of the most damn irrational things. Imagine when actually serious stuff happens in your relationship. How the hell will she handle that if not this?
Feb 6 2022 4:29AM
22 0
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,385




bro if this is the same girl as a few years ago you completely dropped the ball by staying with her. Get the hell out if she’s the same person you were scared about stabbing you. Sounds like an abusive relationship
Feb 6 2022 4:44AM
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teabag
Posts: 571 - Karma: 4,142
She doesn’t let you go skiing? She doesn’t let you go hiking? You’re the provider? You lie once about going skiing and she kicks you out? Sorry, it’s ridiculous to me that you can be in a relationship like this. Your wife sounds like a manipulating, controlling bitch. And you sound like a pussy, why the fuck would you let anyone tell you you can’t go skiing?
Feb 6 2022 7:03AM
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nmwninjart
Posts: 2598 - Karma: 12,465
Time to have a serious discussion with her. Its not healthy that she's treating you like this.
Feb 6 2022 7:33AM
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armchair_skier
Posts: 1744 - Karma: 21,095
From the outsider perspective reading this post; it sounds like you have a bitch of a wife.
Feb 6 2022 7:43AM
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Thegratefulskier
Posts: 337 - Karma: 877
Tell her straight up that she’s the second most important thing next to skiing. If you’re afraid of getting stabbed, arm yourself and record the whole incident. Most people I see skiing are older men with wives that hate the cold. She might as well not let you exercise or ride a bike. You could also just go skiing and not tell her and when she gets pissed just tell her that she gets mad when you ask. Either way, you need to get out of this relationship. She’s not your mommy, you really shouldn’t care about wether she gives you permission. If anything you should be getting a restraining order on her that way she has to leave you alone to go skiing. Don’t renew your lease and get out. Leave her for the streets. Does she even work or anything?
Feb 6 2022 8:00AM
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OregonDead
Posts: 6585 - Karma: 20,861
Sounds like a you are in between a rock and a hard place. People are more attractive when they ski. Getting in the zone at sports gives people that glow of attraction. Skiing is not the only way people get in the zone. Some play basketball or whatever but for you it’s skiing

TLDR ski way more and get that hard body like a pro and then you will glow
Feb 6 2022 8:34AM
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mynameisgiovanni
Posts: 82 - Karma: 749
Dude you skied before and now this woman wants to change you? Imagine how your soul will feel in 20/30/40 years if you stayed with this person?


please my guy end this toxic relationship and move forward with your life in a way that lives up to your values
Feb 6 2022 8:56AM
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ModMommy
Posts: 10294 - Karma: 47,715
She sounds controlling, no, she is controlling. You need to have a serious discussion about whey she doesn’t want you to ski and why you want to.
Feb 6 2022 9:34AM
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gfanuckaa
Posts: 536 - Karma: 314
First of all- here is an opinion from another married man whos wife does not ski and is in a similar boat. Same position as you but now I have two boys (3 & 1). IMO if you guys are planning to have kids -you will have some additional years of challenges until they are old enough to go- but even when you get to take them on the wknds it will not be the same fix as shredding for your enjoyment.

Dont lie, not good for anyone. You need to figure out how to arrange your work schedule so that you are getting to ride during the work week - whether its making a half day possible once a week or cutting out a little early to get 3 hrs afternoon/early evening. Then on the weekend there has to be a compromise - you need at least 6-8 weekend days on snow, you are asking for this many days out of the whole year to do what you want, the rest of the year she can have her go but I believe this will at least get you 20 days riding (10 x what youve been getting). Good luck.
Feb 6 2022 9:40AM
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Static
Posts: 8421 - Karma: 3,712
Dude get out now, you've seen those ski vacation families where the dad is just dragging everyone along and they're all miserable and pissed Daddy didn't take them to the beach. The mom just bitching about anything, taking it out on every service worker. Running up the credit card bill on expensive shit they'll never wear again.
Feb 6 2022 10:00AM
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iRide1080s
Posts: 660 - Karma: 411
Skiblade420




bro if this is the same girl as a few years ago you completely dropped the ball by staying with her. Get the hell out if she’s the same person you were scared about stabbing you. Sounds like an abusive relationship


How she handled the skiing thing was bad enough but it this is the same woman he needs out now.

OP if you don’t have kids you shouldn’t go back to that apartment. Ever.
Feb 6 2022 10:35AM
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Segsxi
Posts: 457 - Karma: 1,673
iRide1080sHow she handled the skiing thing was bad enough but it this is the same woman he needs out now.

OP if you don’t have kids you shouldn’t go back to that apartment. Ever.


Whoah woke up to a lot but you know what thanks for all the support and words of encouragement ya’ll it has been Hard navigating this life I never could see before how powerful the manipulation can be; Since that post I have had my ups and downs mostly ups but now I mean it’s coming to light that I cannot possibly be in the wrong all the time.. yes I make mistakes everyone does.. but lately this woman been on a crazy streak she just cutting everyone out of her life and as much as i’d like to help the amount of mental gymnastics I have to go through is ridiculous not to mention sleeping out here in the cold nights on end when a lot of mistakes that I make that lead up to this are usually quite minimal in scale and aren’t a super huge impact or burden on anyone at least i’m not on Meth or out there robbing homes like c’mon cut decent people some slack
Feb 6 2022 10:40AM
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tri_photo
Posts: 1527 - Karma: 7,123
tldr godspeed to you OP
Feb 6 2022 11:10AM
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bertBertson
Posts: 162 - Karma: 2,968
If you're both serious about salvaging the relationship you could also consider couple's therapy.

The major red flags to me are a) Outside of work she seems unwilling to let you leave the house for more than two hours (!) and b) she refuses discussion on the subject to the point where you had to lie just to get a night to yourself. To echo other posters none of that is fair or reasonable. In a healthy relationship both parties have the necessary autonomy to pursue their interests and take care of themselves.

This stuff is tough but it's time to step up and have a frank conversation about your needs and get to the bottom of why she is against giving you that freedom, because the alternative is spending the rest of your life trapped inside with someone you'll grow to resent.
Feb 6 2022 11:48AM
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,385
record everything nutty she does or say Man. Keep your phone in your pocket. Looks like you have kids. Make sure to keep track of any violent things she says / intimidation / threats. If she truly is the type to stab someone when angry you don’t want that woman having much custody over your children
Feb 6 2022 12:16PM
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bertBertson
Posts: 162 - Karma: 2,968
Ah, sorry OP, I hadn't yet read your reply or your old post that skiblade shared and those change my perspective a little. I can't tell you what to do, but personally if I was in your situation I would pat myself on the back for doing the best I could, and then cut my losses and extricate myself from the situation. Godspeed dude.
bertBertsonIf you're both serious about salvaging the relationship you could also consider couple's therapy.

The major red flags to me are a) Outside of work she seems unwilling to let you leave the house for more than two hours (!) and b) she refuses discussion on the subject to the point where you had to lie just to get a night to yourself. To echo other posters none of that is fair or reasonable. In a healthy relationship both parties have the necessary autonomy to pursue their interests and take care of themselves.

This stuff is tough but it's time to step up and have a frank conversation about your needs and get to the bottom of why she is against giving you that freedom, because the alternative is spending the rest of your life trapped inside with someone you'll grow to resent.
Feb 6 2022 12:26PM
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Gulo_gulo
Posts: 55 - Karma: 468
My first wife was similar. I was always wrong and skiing was taking me away from her. Skiing wasn’t the reason we got divorced, but that’s a good analogy for the whole relationship. You’re both equal partners in a relationship and you each deserve time to do what you enjoy. Now I’m married again and it is absolutely awesome. She supports my skiing and we find ways to balance our interests. If your gal can’t make those adjustments (and soon) then I would recommend bailing. Splitting up can be scary but I guarantee you’ll breathe easier afterwards.
Feb 6 2022 12:39PM
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DesertStix
Posts: 2539 - Karma: 14,954
Newly married so I don’t have decades of experience but have been with my now wife for about 5 years. She doesn’t really enjoy skiing like I do so I’m asking to go ski a lot without her during the winter. At first it was difficult but through a lot of communication she’s come to understand just how much skiing means to me and how therapeutic it is so we have an understood amount of time (already discussed) that I’ll be skiing during the season. If she really loves you, she will want you to ski since it’s so personally fulfilling.

Reading your post and the older one I am genuinely wondering how much she cares about you though. I obviously don’t know you two but would NEVER have my wife sleep out in the cold no matter what she did let alone telling me a little white lie. That’s not love, maybe you’re stuck in a tough situation where walking away doesn’t seem possible but you got a lot of people on here saying this is not healthy and most likely won’t get better but worse over time.

woke up to a lot but you know what thanks for all the support and words of encouragement ya’ll it has been Hard navigating this life I never could see before how powerful the manipulation can be; Since that post I have had my ups and downs mostly ups but now I mean it’s coming to light that I cannot possibly be in the wrong all the time.. yes I make mistakes everyone does.. but lately this woman been on a crazy streak she just cutting everyone out of her life and as much as i’d like to help the amount of mental gymnastics I have to go through is ridiculous not to mention sleeping out here in the cold nights on end when a lot of mistakes that I make that lead up to this are usually quite minimal in scale and aren’t a super huge impact or burden on anyone at least i’m not on Meth or out there robbing homes like c’mon cut decent people some slack[/quote]
Feb 6 2022 1:06PM
5 0
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PackBombs
Posts: 99 - Karma: 1,098
Don’t be a simp dawg
Feb 6 2022 1:19PM
13 0
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caveman31
Posts: 311 - Karma: 2,827
SegsxiSo my story goes as follows, I used to work at ski resorts on Mt Hood a couple years ago so naturally I got to ride a lot; my wife never set foot on skis or a snowboard, and lives a rather low intense low risk lifestyle. At first nothing seemed too bad I got to ski she got to stay home and watch Netflix or do whatever a home body does (nothing wrong with that its cool)

I eventually left the low wage mountain jobs and started working with low voltage shit; cool here I am 2 years later doing the same line of work kicking ass at it, bringing home bread to support us, etc.. yet slowly ever so slowly I have felt defeated that my lifestyle dramatically became altered to mirror her lifestyle which as I said is super low intense.. I went from getting 70+ days to these last 2 seasons getting 4 Days combined into 2 years

so I ask that you take all this into consideration when reading post

It is near impossible for me to ask her if I can go skiing because the answer will always be an uncontested “No” or if I do get to go she expects me to be there and back home in 2 hours (which is Impossible) and I usually never hear the end of it when i’m not back in those 2 hours and sometimes get close to getting the boot.

so today I had been telling her that me and my supervisor were going to be going to check out a future project we will take on (bit of a white lie cuz me n supe Did go towards Portland from Bend)

We had actually intended to go skiing at SkiBowl which we did the conditions were crud the rope tow park was fun as fuck though and my soul finally felt fed that I got to do what I love this is only my 2nd day of the season but damn it was so nice I went hard on the features at rope tow I saw all
the homies that work at the Bowl, had good convos with my supe (his lady lets him shred and Encourages it)


anyways I do feel shitty for lying but I also think it is shitty that my partner makes me feel like shit for enjoying skiing, shit even going on a simple hike wouldn’t get “approval”.. so I decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission and it led to me being booted from our apartment lol it sucks I know but I ask you NS and fellow skiers

what would you do?

I’d divorce her and have fun with my life
Feb 6 2022 2:52PM
7 0
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Casey
Posts: 7661 - Karma: 22,153
Having that morning where I’m like oh fuck me what did I post last night. Eh thankfully not that bad.
Feb 6 2022 3:11PM
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Chunderface
Posts: 2357 - Karma: 9,009
The problem with people who have never been seriously into a sport, or anything, is that they don't understand that for a lot of people being able to do the activity is kind of a matter of life and death. People that try to change someone that was hard-wired for a sport they they met, will never ever grasp that it is a necessity. It isn't just some shit the person is doing for "fun."

It's easy to say just get divorced. But I know that can be a very complicated deal. I would suggest getting couple's therapy because a decent therapist will know how valuable skiing is to you and might help her to at least be more reasonable about it. I I wish you the best man, keep your head up, and don't ever feel guilty for needing to ski.
Feb 6 2022 4:19PM
12 0
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twinkle_toes
Posts: 791 - Karma: 9,459
Lol sometimes it’s better to be single and enjoying your life to the fullest rather than be dragged down by someone just so you’re not single…

sounds toxic… run while you still can !!! Lol
Feb 6 2022 4:24PM
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Oldmanripper
Posts: 82 - Karma: 449
If you’re asking your wife to go skiing it’s you who has the problem. Communication is the biggest saviour or killer in a relationship.
Feb 6 2022 5:35PM
5 0
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TOAST.
Posts: 6727 - Karma: 25,651
If she has kicked you out multiple times, why does she still want to be in a relationship with you? Either you suck or she sucks either way ot doesn't seem like a good relationship.

My wife and I have a mutual understanding that as long as we get necessary stuff done around the house we can do whatever we want in our free time. Of course we still make sure that we spend time together.
If you spend every evening after work together, at the very least, you should be able to ski once a week. Now if you are always working or away and she only sees you for 8 hours on Saturday, I could understand her position, and not wanting you to ski then, but spend time with her.
Feb 6 2022 7:13PM
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Canis_lupus
Posts: 456 - Karma: 5,168
Yes it was wrong to lie but I think you’re also asking the wrong questions. You should not feel the need to ask for permission to do something that YOU love. If you’re conditioned to feel that way in your relationship then maybe it’s time for a change.
Feb 6 2022 7:24PM
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whitenab
Posts: 146 - Karma: 1,629
Dude that sounds abusive. You should talk to a professional therapist and seriously consider removing yourself from the situation.

Isolating you and herself from support systems and things that existed in your life before her are a major red flag. That is a manipulation tactic to make you more reliant on her, conform to her lifestyle, and keep you from realizing that there is a different reality waiting for you.
Feb 6 2022 8:03PM
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sexyjulian
Posts: 872 - Karma: 11,168
Disregard women. Acquire currency
Feb 6 2022 8:05PM
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BearsOnKetamine
Posts: 622 - Karma: 1,157
This is my view as a 15 yearold so thanks this with a grain of salt. You’re an adult you have free will. She’s being controlling which is not ok. Tbh talk to her and ask why You can’t have a couple days a week or a day a week for yourself. Self love is important which she seems to have doing what she wants staying home. If you have other responsibilities get them done. I have to get Al my weekend homework done before I can go skiing. My sister always told me communication is key so do it.
Feb 6 2022 8:28PM
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ReturnToMonkey
Posts: 5331 - Karma: 56,353
Not ever marrying a woman who doesnt enjoy sliding on rails
Feb 6 2022 8:34PM
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caveman31
Posts: 311 - Karma: 2,827
From an outside perspective you sound like a pussy who needs to get out of that relationship.
Feb 6 2022 8:51PM
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SteezMaster68
Posts: 150 - Karma: 1,863
SegsxiSo my story goes as follows, I used to work at ski resorts on Mt Hood a couple years ago so naturally I got to ride a lot; my wife never set foot on skis or a snowboard, and lives a rather low intense low risk lifestyle. At first nothing seemed too bad I got to ski she got to stay home and watch Netflix or do whatever a home body does (nothing wrong with that its cool)

I eventually left the low wage mountain jobs and started working with low voltage shit; cool here I am 2 years later doing the same line of work kicking ass at it, bringing home bread to support us, etc.. yet slowly ever so slowly I have felt defeated that my lifestyle dramatically became altered to mirror her lifestyle which as I said is super low intense.. I went from getting 70+ days to these last 2 seasons getting 4 Days combined into 2 years

so I ask that you take all this into consideration when reading post

It is near impossible for me to ask her if I can go skiing because the answer will always be an uncontested “No” or if I do get to go she expects me to be there and back home in 2 hours (which is Impossible) and I usually never hear the end of it when i’m not back in those 2 hours and sometimes get close to getting the boot.

so today I had been telling her that me and my supervisor were going to be going to check out a future project we will take on (bit of a white lie cuz me n supe Did go towards Portland from Bend)

We had actually intended to go skiing at SkiBowl which we did the conditions were crud the rope tow park was fun as fuck though and my soul finally felt fed that I got to do what I love this is only my 2nd day of the season but damn it was so nice I went hard on the features at rope tow I saw all
the homies that work at the Bowl, had good convos with my supe (his lady lets him shred and Encourages it)


anyways I do feel shitty for lying but I also think it is shitty that my partner makes me feel like shit for enjoying skiing, shit even going on a simple hike wouldn’t get “approval”.. so I decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission and it led to me being booted from our apartment lol it sucks I know but I ask you NS and fellow skiers

what would you do?


Have a serious talk with her and tell her how passionate you are about skiing and hopefully she’ll understand. If she doesn’t understand then she’s a crappy wife and you need to divorce her
Feb 6 2022 9:39PM
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GrapeHunter
Posts: 1934 - Karma: 4,936
fart on her face while she's sleeping and then go ski
Feb 6 2022 9:41PM
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ToddlerBodyBag
Posts: 219 - Karma: 1,735
Ask her boyfriend if you can ski, maybe he will be more lenient.

**This post was edited on Feb 6th 2022 at 10:24:36pm
Feb 6 2022 10:24PM
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iH8pow
Posts: 1660 - Karma: 6,592
Yooo lol this cant be real of course in your wife’s view (i had to take a double take—a gf sure but your wife?) if you lie about skiing you definitely could liebabout being out with another girl
but obviously you should have to never lie about skiing my wife is busy and im sure wishes she could be skiing somedays but she takes care of the kids so i can get a break and ski, your situation is f’d. She fucked up, she’s either insecure and introverted, or insecure and just trying to justify her own unfaithfulness. Either way dont feel bad pullin the plug if u dont have kids get out while u can
Feb 6 2022 10:37PM
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Jon_McMurry
Posts: 83 - Karma: 556
Schoess care to weigh in?
Feb 6 2022 11:46PM
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Schoess
Posts: 1812 - Karma: 21,286
As a happily married man to a woman who just this season is skiing for basically the first time, let me tell you about what I have learned.

First of all, anyone saying "dump her, she should support what you love to do" is baked. Relationships like that are never simple. For us, myself spending time skiing has to be balanced with quality time and or experiences with your girl. My wife's love language is quality time and I hear it is very common for many women to feel the same. I am far from perfect and many times have not made enough time for her which causes stress in the relationship. She understands my passion for skiing but also she understands how much we love and care for eachother and that honestly it's more important than skiing in many ways.

That brings me to my point of... why does she always see you skiing as a negative thing? Is she worried about the danger? does she view it as a childish activity? does it have to do with the group of friends you would go with? does it make her feel less important or neglected? if so, why? past experiences? insecurities in your relationship (not taking a shot at you, every relationship has them and they are hard to talk about but important to cover)? If she feels like she doesn't get enough time, how can you go about doing things with her that are important to her while still allowing you to ski a few times a week or whatever that looks like?

Others are right in saying you shouldn't have to ask necessarily, but more importantly there should be a TWO WAY DISCUSSION about what both of you would like to do in a given week/weekend where you come to an agreement on each other's time and together time.

Most importantly, you need to come to her with this out of a place of genuine love and humility. You care about her clearly and want to resolve this. I would absolutely tell her about what happened the other day and use it as a spring board to lovingly express your side, while inquiring about what it is that REALLY is the reason she doesn't want you skiing or doesn't feel there is appropriate time for you to do so. I cannot stress enough that the answer you get may or may not be the true reason. I sense walls are put up here that may take multiple loving and patient attempts to get through.

I would love to add anything more you may want to know, but to conclude I am 27 and my wife and I have been together for 8 years now. We moved across the country together, have been poor as fuck together, grown together, hurt together and are very happy together. She did not set foot on snow for 7 of the 8 years we have been together and I have been working at finding this balance of my ski/film/photo passion for our entire relationship. The only way is sacrifice on both sides through love and patience.
Feb 7 2022 12:01AM
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Schoess
Posts: 1812 - Karma: 21,286
I dont think a healthy relationship should be either or. We don't have nearly enough information to give the advice of ending a relationship on the basis of skiing more imo.
pooniswhy would you stay with someone who doesn't support your pursuit of your happiness and passions? no disrespect but you need to take a step back and re-evaluate life and decide what you care about the most
Feb 7 2022 12:05AM
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Schoess
Posts: 1812 - Karma: 21,286
Who makes the money in a marriage has no bearing on who gets to call the shots. A marriage is not a corporate entity with shareholder percentage. That mentality would be extremely toxic
Skiblade420makes my heart hurt reading this, seen a lot of my friends relationships go this route.

Lying isn’t good, but cut yourself some serious slack. As an adult you should never have to ask someone else’s permission to do a wholesome, innocent hobby you enjoy. Yes you need to make time for your loved ones but you are by no means their slave.

Was the act of you lying to her nefarious? No, you’re a human being that wants to be outside and do something that makes them happy / lying was the only way you felt you could actually go do something you’re ENTITLED to do and that is HEALTHY for your psyche.

So many times I see these relationships go in the “I let you do this, so you can’t do that” or “well remember how I let you get dinner with your friends?” Type behavior. It’s whack as fuck, and you end up having to negotiate every aspect of basic living in some sort of checks and balance hell.

I have never been married so I don’t want to sound like I have the answers, but if you’re the one “bringing home the bread” it’s ridiculous you got kicked out of a home you predominantly provide for. Not to mention over such a ridiculous thing.

Think you need to have a serious talk and explain to her that being active is what makes you happy / good for your physical and mental health as a human.



Ofcourse own up to the fact you shouldn’t have lied, but explain you felt backed into a corner of feeling like it was the only way you would be able to ski. Maybe Segway that into explaining you feel like she should want you to be happy / that the “permission to do something wholesome” thing needs to stop due to it being controlling.

idk man, word it better.

End of the day if she cares for you deeply she should be able to understand and want you to be able to live life happily doing things you love.

If she doesn’t and only wants yo control your actions then she loves you in a pretty damn selfish way.
Feb 7 2022 12:08AM
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