Against a backdrop of modern medicine finally relieving the fatigue of pandemic, an armed insurrection being squashed as a new administration takes power, the wave of old and evil crashing down through the court of public opinion, and an 18" dump on a Saturday quenching a snow drought in the Rockies... a sense of inevitable victory prevailed throughout the Ikon hoard.
We came in full force, riding an energy of optimism that was lost almost a year ago. Young and old, blue and red, rich and poor, core and kook - united together with a single objective: to get to the front of this massive tram line.
I saw him right there in front of me. He had pink Black Crows mounted with Pivots in one hand, a 16 oz can of PBR in the other.
He had cracked his beer at the end of the line and nursed it for an hour and a half till the front. No mask the whole time, cause he was drinking.
The inevidable standoff came at the pass scanning gates. The Matriarch of the Tram, a silver fox that's obviously been running the Snowbird Circus for decades, confronted him with the annoyed boredom of someone that has been parroting "A buff is not enough" for months.
With a shit-eating smirk, he took a tiny little sip, right in her face. "Yo it's fine, I'm drinking," he said with the confidence that only a young dumb mediocre white guy can carry.
Perhaps I saw a bit of myself in that tram manager; perhaps I can suck down a can of PBR in seconds and was wondering why he was still drinking that thing; perhaps I just like to stroke the back of chaos...
I yelled, "Put it on!" In a man's voice and turned away so no one knew where it came from. God forbid he tries to fight me and I get kicked out. Like 100 people all went silent and looked at the guy, so he put the mask on.
He immediately took it off when he got on the tram platform and got another warning from some faceless tram platform employee dude.
No matter, the tram was arriving. The 24 of us shuffled in quickly.
As soon as the door closed, he started to take his mask off, and the impatient operator firmly told him to put it back on. The guy turned his back to the operator and shouted a Randy Marsh impression of, "I thought this was America!"
He technically had the mask on, so we departed the lower station. For 30 tense seconds, he babbled to his friends while ignoring the operator who was trying to get his attention. Somewhere in there, to no avail, one of his friends yelled, "Would you just shut the fuck up?!" The only one to stand up to him.
Enough was enough. "THAT'S IT! YOURE OUTTA HERE!" Boomed the operator. He turned that bitch around.
Guy realized he was actually getting kicked off, and bashful asks his homies, "So you guys wanna go home?" A resounding "NO DUDE" from shut-the-fuck-up guy and the rest of his friends.
Utah people are kinda bashful, so they just kinda rolled their eyes in silence. Me however, thats when I just lost it. I was cackling like a hyena! "Ohhhhhhh!!! Worldstaaaaaaar!!!! Yeeeeeeep yeeeeep looooooser!!"
You see, Newschoolers, dreams really do come true. Nothing makes you feel more powerful than witnessing people in Walmart fighting over towels. This was almost better.
They threw him out, with his departing words being, "I'm not even that drunk."
It was a speedy ride to the top. I took a victory lap, surfing victorously over the crest of a New America. It was a sign that the light has arrived to illuminate the darkness. The winds of change have turned, and the mighty ox has arrived with a plow in tow. We have prevailed!
A quick word on blocking ads
It looks like you are using an ad blocker. That's okay. Who doesn't? But without advertising revenue, we can't keep making this site awesome. Click the link below for instructions on disabling adblock.
