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TheHamburglarI have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to alt.tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble sh-itting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my asss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my *********. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my asss of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My asss was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two assscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic sh-it- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shhit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my asss off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering sh-it/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my asss cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shhit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my asss at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for asss-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fa-rt, only to have it get stuck between my *********. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fa-rt that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your asss having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, don't shave your asss-hair.
zoinkedHoly fuck!!! hahaha I had to pause while reading this just so I could stop laughing. But I could never shave my cheek hairs I feel as if I would lose my manhood and after reading that shit I definetly won’t Hahaha thanks for the laugh and the wise advise
Turd__AuthorityIdk about anyone else, but I took a shit this year before skiing, thought I wiped enough, and my butt sweat rinsed my ass crack and then soaked into the ass of my long johns. Holy fucking shit I felt like a geriatric person who shit their pants. Smelled so bad. Had to wash my snow pants too. I sweat buckets though so might not happen to anyone here.
little_1337put the deodorant up your ass
DeebieSkeebiesnah but would make your asshole have that weird chalky feeling that deodorant gives your armpits if you put too much on or get it on your hands.
i dont think anything really fixes a sweaty ass but just make sure youre doing a bang-up job when you wipe otherwise thats not fun either