Well dudes, resorts are shuttered, and we may soon be facing a national quarantine. Here's my practical guide to Coronavirus Marshall Law prepping:
1. You're gonna need to stockpile some shit. PREPARE NOW! Buy a 50 lb bag of dog kibble and get used to the taste. If this Coronavirus thing really hits the fan, you're gonna wish you had it.
2. This is like a historically mega "You ladies got plans after the resort closes? I got a totally cool local's spot" event. PREPARE NOW! Update your online dating profiles to include pictures of toilet paper, canned goods, netflix, booze, backflips, rail jams, and bomb dick. Be blatant about letting them use you for shelter during the 2 week quarantine. Same with the end of a ski day, you cant just leave the ski bunnies in the cold to freeze. You'll definitely get a taker, so double up on dog kibble now just in case you end up going the doomsday distance with them.
3. With all the time you have on your hands, now may seem like a great time to scour the internet endlessly for the perfect gear for next season. PREPARE NOW! You probably just lost your job you fucking dirtbag. Firstly, get your mind right and harass acquaintances for their pro deals while they are vulnerable - alone and scared - that way, you can buy an extra set of dope shit cause you gotta get creative if you wanna boogie in 2020. What with all this whack ass pandemic happening, your fly new Full Tilts are getting janked on some backyard shit.
4. A lot of peeps gonna be hitting the backcountry, so the "I'm spoiled, I only ski knee deep backcountry pow when I feel like it" conspiracy is about to fucking blow open (as if anyone was actually fooled in the first place). PREPARE NOW! Jump on with the next big trend of roller skiing and shield yourself from the global windfall. Only schmucks actually pay them big daddy warbucks to the evil backcountry.com megacorps for the "priviledge" of skiing uphill.
5. Lemme guess? You've already watched like everything on Netflix. PREPARE NOW! Compile all the bonus footie you're sitting on into an edit and when you post it, ramble some bitch shit about how Coronavirus harshed your mellow but you're championing through.
6. You're probably at peak spring body, so make sure to keep it together for crop top season. PREPARE NOW! Dont buy some stupid unhealthy bullshit when you're doomsday prepping. You got plenty of time inside to cook and clean wholesome meals. Maybe learn to cook or have a family peace conference at the dinner table.
That's all I got. What else are you doing to prep?