So a week ago, I got banned. Then I decided to channel my energy in a positive way - now I WAS also banned from every dating app BUT I decided to get a new number on Google voice and start all over again bypassing the Tinder & Bumble bans on my normal phone number.
This is where it gets sticky. Now, to all you guys out there who think with your dick more than your brain. That's all of us at some point. You will run into this problem just as I have so many times...
So I match with homegirl, profile says 21. I'm like alright, cool. We start talking, really decent topics, questions about my career, etc. Then she wants to take it to Snapchat. Nice.
I don't use social media in any capacity but I do have a seldom-used Snapchat for scoring snatch. We start chatting it up. She eventually asks my age (I was honest on my fucking profile...) I reiterate, "I'm 24" then I ask her age and she's like "I'm 18." now hold the phone. THIS is where you gotta start the audit boys. Right here. Not after you've put your dick inside her and Chris Hanson shows up in your living room handing you the part-time life sentence called being a sex offender where some guy named bubba has a timeshare on your butthole for the next decade. No. You stop here and begin your audit.
First - take a look back at her profile. Gather info. Look for tattoos, anything that could indicate she is indeed of age. I found a tattoo on her forearm in one photo and thought I was golden... She asks me to hang out at the hot tub at her apartment and I'm like fuck yeah. So I show in my up to the joint where she claims she has her own place. I'm still skeptically unaroused and in my swim trunks.
Then I call her and she meets me at the door. At this point I have some serious questions in my mind. This girl is not a hair over 5 feet, I have to tilt my neck to look at her. In every way this chick looks like she's 14. I in fact had a girlfriend when I was 14 that looked significantly older than the girl presented before me. This is usually where you hit the panic switch gentlemen. This is usually where Chris Hansen shows up. But I knew I was good. I didn't send her any pics of my wang or talk about sex. I'm above that.
So we proceed to this hot tub. Keep chatting and I keep my cool. Then it fucking strikes me. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FOREARM TATTOO?!?!? I'm like wtf wtf wtf wtf, and then I look on the wall to see the "smile, your on camera" CCTV sign and I'm like shit. Fuck. This girl better not be fucking 14. My heart dropped like the North tower when I realized this chick could be young enough to not been alive when that happened.
Luckily a bunch of Somalian kids storm in about 30 minutes in and start playing in the pool. we call it a night. I give her a sheepish hug, and walk out. No Chris Hansen in sight.
Gentlemen, this is farther than any man should tread with these type of questions lingering. My best friends older brother has his rear mortgaged to Tyrone on a 3 year prison sentence ending in August - sex offender for life for getting a hummer from a 15 year old a few years back. I'm 24 and if this chick is under 18 at all, boy - you can bet the situation will be the same for my booty pipe. The rule is always 18. Throw all that "age of consent is 16 in my state" out the window. This is a zero sum game that should only equal 18 in the era of #metoo. You cant explain 6+ years difference to a judge buddy. Don't even get a lawyer if you're that stupid, just lube up your booty for Tyrone or some AB waiting for you in prison.
This is when I start digging again. I return to the tattoo photo and I'm like well fuck, what kind of adult takes mirror photos with a damn iPod touch and has some fucking temporary tattoo that doesn't even look like it was at least henna? This might be my lucky chance to just walk away. But no, I'm Chad Fucking Thundercock and when I saw those wet, petite, female body parts (explicit language censored for the sensitive like eheath) I just had to keep digging until I could justify getting an erection from a woman that small.
I had gotten her phone number, i reverse lookup that mofo with the logic it's at least got her or her parents name on it that will give me a good last name. Now listen up guys, this is an important thing to know. Once you have a good last name what I want you to do is go to your State's court record search. You search that fucking name. I've done this many times and there is seldom a human being over 18 who has not gotten a speeding ticket.
Bam. Checkmate. Thank you officer that ticketed this fine lady. Case closed. Found her birthday on a ticket from about a year ago. Born March 2001, and shitbag Chad Thundercock is about to make those legs part like the Red Sea.
SparkNotes: only 18 y/o girls, don't send dick pics ever, don't fuck on the first date, don't ask too many questions, don't be a pedo, don't go to prison for a mistake, do research, have a nice life