What’s good NS!?
You may or may not have noticed but I completely Houdini’d shortly after future spinning... and I may have actually believed I was in the future!
Here is what happened at the end of my career (so far ;) ) that led to losing everything.
I think some of you can benefit from this...
— This post is explicit and VERY deep —
None of this is easy to write.
Up until now, I could count on one hand the people that know this.
This is real. I’m not the only person going through these things. I want to share to expand knowledge and give an inside perspective.
Please keep in mind... I am NEVER trying to tell anyone what to do. That shit is on you 😉
Also... I absolutely do not have everything figured out. I am trying to organize my thoughts and learn.
I am not looking for attention.
I figure it would be helpful to share...
One of the BIGGEST keys to getting by day to day life for me is reminding myself that the world is exactly what I make it. If I live in a negative thought dominant world, then everything around me seems negative and if I don’t catch myself in these thoughts... then that negativity will continuously grow and eventually at an exponential rate.
A lot of negative things happened. I blamed myself.
Next thing you know I was back to being cold. The pain of my ill perceived world became overwhelming... and I turned evil. I mean fucking evil. I go to absurd lengths to try and hurt myself and also horribly hurting others... and I didn’t even realize it.
When I reached that level of numb, I block out so many positive emotions that I become cold. I was exhausted and stuck in a dark world only seeing and feeling heart demolishing negativity and only identifying the world around me with that negativity, which lead to heavy heavy depression and savage anger that seemingly could only be escaped with drugs. Drugs take away the pain. Drugs also falsely identify as love, happiness, friendship... everything good that I would not, could not, see or feel before.
Eventually I found solace at the homeless shelter in $10 bags of “life” for the majority of every day. Alone I would float, mindless, content, focused... on drugs. The rest of my day I spent relentlessly searching everywhere, mostly in or around dumpsters, for something to turn for profit, which would turn into drugs.
Needing drugs to cope with my emptiness/emotional void = selling everything to my name. Eventually breaking into cars, stealing things that I did not earn, and I did not deserve. In my broken mind I deserved it.
I AM NOT a thief. I am so fucking heartbroken by the fact that I had become the person that people fear. A person who disregarded morals. I’m not saying people are scared of me... but knowing what I was able to do without feeling... is the scariest thing of all.
My excuse for doing all of these fucked up drugs... “it’s ok- it’s just for fun” “I’m not addicted, I can stop whenever!”
Eventually these thoughts subsided and I simply needed drugs to cope... and barely cope at that.
I 100% believed that I could only exist at the capacity at which I had accepted the world wanted of me if I was so high I basically did not exist.
I believed that I was the most horrible person on earth. I couldn’t understand why the world was so evil and relentless.
I believed the world wanted me gone.
I wanted myself gone.
My sadness and self hatred eventually took control of me and I threw in the towel.
I was under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and depression one night, remembering very emotionally destroying occurrences (One very prominent example is missing the Olympics by less than half of a point, others were much more personal) I jumped off a cliff ranging somewhere between 80-100ish feet high. Not on skis. Not into snow.
I died on impact.
I saw so many people whom I missed and idolized. I wanted to be with them. They told me I had not served my purpose on earth. I started screaming and begging them to let me stay...
I came to on a beach. I was alone. It was 3am. I crawled and limped about 1/4-1/2 mile down the shore to find any street possible and called myself an ambulance.
I found myself in the ICU with brain bleeding and punctured bleeding lungs.
I was supposed to be in the hospital for a long time... and I was 100% convinced that it wouldn’t take that long.
I was right.
Less than a week after admittance, I was released and cleared by a doctor.
This was a miracle.
And it wasn’t enough.
A few months later on an absolutely beautiful sunny day just before Christmas, with a fresh blanket of snow coating the ground, I was toggling with the pressure I was applying to the trigger of a gun which was resting against my temple.
The scary thing is... I wasn’t scared.
I started to apply more consistent and heavy pressure to the cold metal piece as continued playing the horrible things in my head over and over. Finally I could put these thoughts to rest and do the world and myself a favor.
The trigger grew closer to the grip as my grip tightened. I closed my eyes...
My dad called.
He called with news that someone very very close to me had just lost their mother, who happened to be like a second mom to me, by taking her own life.
I immediately turned my truck around and drove home. I had a breakdown. Just like other times, I blamed myself.
Built up sadness from so many horrible experiences along with anger, hatred, and loneliness strengthened my drug use to a deadly level.
Recipe for survival:
Heroin, crack, Xanax... everyday. I mean EVERY day. (1-3g heroin (BLK-Black) or 60-500mg OxyContin), 0.5-3.0g of white (crack) 2-10mg Xanax (bars, busses, etc)
A SHIT load.
Hundreds of dollars a day.
Meth, alcohol, coke, Molly, thizz (ecstasy), sassafras, OxyContin, morphine, oxymorphone, weed... etc... on occasion... definitely more than occasional— meaning not reliant on, but would use if in the presence of, or absence of other drugs and also would use additionally to the primary drugs.
Nothing... not even those drugs, could numb the absolute hatred within.
The truth behind the drug abuse? I wasn’t just physically addicted. I was IN LOVE. I absolutely loved the freedom I got from my emotions with these “supplements” (I consider drugs a supplement for lost emotions...) (I am just figuring this out as i write!) Basically, I affiliated drugs with happiness and love— the only happiness and love I could ever feel with the sad lonely darkness ravaging my perception of this fucking BEAUTIFUL life that I am so damn blessed to have the opportunity to live and fuckin dominate!
I have finally taken the time to deal with my forgotten emotions and focus on the good things as well now.
I am happy to be alive.
I hope any of this helps.
The world that some people are in is not the same as your world... and reminding them of that doesn’t help.
Remind people you love them. Tell them the good things. We need to hear it.
So, there’s a little insight as to why I haven’t been around.
I plan to be back.
Keep shredding and keep lovin!