Right this is long and it goes back a few years, but I hope it's worth it.
I saw my crush in a compromising position and it absolutely destroyed me.
So a couple years ago, I worked part time at a Sbarro's in the mall overcharging people for seven hour old pizza. There, I met a young lady named Marina (not her real name) with who I became completely infatuated. Marina happened to be a huge Twilight fan. I myself had only seen the first one and was thoroughly unimpressed by it. Ok, Edward's Vulva was kind of cool as far as Swedish cars go, but that was about it. Anyway, I feigned an interest in the series to get close to Marina, just to have something to talk about with her and stuff. It worked.
What started with workplace banter -- mostly Twilight references ("You know, your mood swings are kind of giving me whiplash!")-- led to us seeing each other outside of Sbarro's. We'd often visit the multiplex in the mall (mall employees got discount tickets) and watch movies together. This meant seeing Twilight: Eclipse. And not just once, mind you. More like twice a week for the five straight weeks it was in that theater. I swear, I was having dreams of Jacob trying to warm me up while I was stuck in the middle of a blizzard. For some reason, I was always bottomless in these dreams. Felt like Winnie the Poo.
Somewhere along the way, I started going over to her apartment. There, we would play video games and watch movies. Naturally, the movie would either be the first or the second Twilight film.
In spite of us growing close enough to fart in front if one another, I remained just a friend. But I was not to be discouraged so easily. I kept up an incrediby subtle pursuit for her affections. My thinking was that if she watched her beloved Twilight saga with me enough, she would start to associate me with the series. Then, whenever she thought of Twilight, she would think of me and become moist.
Even more weeks went by, however, and though we spent an enormous amount of time together, it was clear I'd hit a brick wall. I was going to need to take a different tact.
Marina's birthday was coming up and her roommates were having a big house party in her honor. I needed to get her a present, but had no idea what it should be. A Twilight-themed gift was a must. Unfortunately, shopping for a Twilight gift for Marina was like buying a butt plug for Wendy Williams. She already has all she'll ever need. I was lost.
The week before her birthday arrives, one of my friends mentioned how he was going to shoot a student film with a bunch of guys he knew from school. They were from the local community college's film class. That's when it hit me - an idea for the greatest gift a person has ever given to another person since dad decided not to pull out of mom that one time. I would need actors. It would be great. My gift was going to be the greatest gift of all time. And if it happened to remove Marina's panties in the process, then so be it.
The night of the party arrived. The house was packed. Every corner of the place had a twenty-something douchebag drunkenly dancing around to the loud, crappy music that was vibrating my genitals. I kind of stood off to the side and drank Zima by myself, trying to look cool. In hindsight, the Zima may have been counterproductive.
When midnight rolled around, my actors arrived. One was a pasty-looking student all the way from Newcastle, England, Great Britain (it's in Europe). He was my Edward. My Jacob, a theater student at the local community college, had olive skin and was rather short. I wasn't sure of his heritage, though. Samoan by the looks of it. Their appearances were on point. I had spend $450 wisely.
When Marina saw them for the first time, she freaked out. Even though she was already having a good time, seeing these guys put her over the top. That's probably why she didn't think to thank me. Of course she knew it was me, though. At least, I think she knew it was me.
I tried for a second to elbow in near her, to tell her I put them up to this, but I couldn't penetrate the crowd around her. I went back to posting up near the bathroom with Zima number five and left her to hang out with her gift. I could always tell her the next day.
So a couple hours go by and the party is experiencing its death throes. I realized that I hadn't seen her or my actors for quite some time. I'll admit was worried. She had been drinking after all. What if she passes out and chokes on her own vomit Jimi Hendrix-style? I needed to find her.
After looking around the living room, the kitchen, and even the back lawn, I moved my search upstairs to the bedrooms. There, st the top of the steps, I was greeted with by a rythmic knocking accompanied by what sounded like a cat gagging on a chicken bone. It came from the end of the hallway, where Marina's room was. Jesus, she was doing a Jimi Hendrix impression, I thought.
I raced down the hallway and threw open her door. The scene was gruesome and shocking; Marina was on her hands and knees in the middle of the bed. My lookalikes were on either end of her and were stuffing her like a Thanksgiving turkey.
"Edward," dick so far down her throat it was probably getting digested by Marina's stomach acids, was up front.
"Jacob," looking like he was unsuccessfully spearfishing with his dick, took her from behind. Worst of all, they were screaming Twilight dialogue back and forth.
"Jacob, your thoughts are so loud!" cried Edward.
"You have to consider the idea that I'm better for her than you are!" Jacob shouted back.
"Aarrrgglllack!" gargled Marina, summoning charisma that somehow evaded Kristen Stewart's performance.
She then turned from Edward's navel, her eyes fixing mine as she did, and gave me a wink. In that moment, I knew I would have been better off just getting her a gift card.
Now, this hole ordeal shouldn't have scarred me so deeply. Marina was a modern woman, after all. She spat in the streets and voted. Getting filled out from both ends by a couple of drama nerds in cosplay was simply another aspect of it. I accept that.
But it was the little wink that mentally devastated me. My eggo was pulverized. Any confidence I had in life shriveled inside of me as if it had just dove into a cold lake. I was also completely turned off to film adaptations of young adult literature. Seriously, I was watching the Maze Runner the other day and just could not enjoy it.
In the end, I quit Sbarro's and moved in with my nana. She lives two states away. Now, I spend my days wrapping her medication in bacon. It's a boring life but at least I'm pretty sure I won't walk in on her getting double teamed.
"I THINK I'M TOO OLD FOR MIDDLE SCHOOL DUMBCAN" - Tanner Hall on facebook
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