This has been the hardest thing for me to try and post on here, but i have no where else to go. My grandfather on my mom's side passed away a while back, 6 years ago or less. I always felt the most connected to my grandmother and father on this side of my family, my grandma died when i was 4 but still it felt like i knew her so well.
To get to my main point... My grandpa left a coin collection, a collection of porcelain piggy banks (pretty funny if you ask me), and a number of rings and jewlery he wore. I feel myself tearing up as i write this, when he passed i was given one of his rings. This ring was given to him by my great grandfather as a coming of age present. I t was engraved on the inside band with "Love Dad" on it. My family decided that I, being the youngest in the family, was to have this ring.
I loved it and wore it a lot, It was the last thing i had of my grandfather.
About two years ago, I had turned into a big stoner, especially at school. During summer school i would smoke every day before class and at lunch break. I was wearing the ring every day at this point...
Anyways at some point during summer school I had been wearing the ring, and took it off to wash my hands. I'm assuming i must have left it on top of the sink or something. When i get back to class and realize it's gone i ask to go look for it in the washroom, there is no sign of it. I remember in the moment I was second guessing whether i had even worn the ring that day and convinced myself that I hadn't. Being stoned all the time allowed for me to suppress the anxious feelings i was having thinking that the ring could possibly be gone. I decided i would push the idea to the back of my brain and let me ignorance allow me to forget about the whole situation (with the idea that it may still me in my safe spot for it)... Basically i did this whole mental thing where i tricked myself into thinking everything was cool and okay and that it was in the box in my drawer ( though i would never actually check to see)...
So the ring is gone. I feel sick with anxiety every single time i think of it, especially since i have come out of the fog i was in in high school. The reality of the situation is so painful i don't know how to handle it. I am such a fucking loser and i have let my whole family down. My mom also has two sisters (my aunts) who also have both lost their mother and father. My one aunt asked me about the ring about 8 months ago and i somehow changed the subject so that I didn't have to "go get it".
So now i am here, tears streaming down my face, wondering what the fuck I'm going to do.
I know i have to tell them, I just don't know how i can do it. I feel so bad for my mom who is already depressed and anxious as is. I can't believe what a stupid fucking selfish prick i was/am.... I Don't know how I am going to get my family to ever forgive me, there is no justification and no bright side. There is nothing for me to hold onto and I don't know how much longer i can keep this pain bottled up. Sometimes ill be doing something and start to think about it and just lose it and break down, I don't want this to be what I associate with the memory of my grandpa who did so much for me and my family. I just want to be able to have everyone accept it and support each other, i just don't know if I'm ready for the amount of hatred that is going to come my way. Even my cousins who are older, everyone is going to be so fucking upset , I just feel like the ultimate scum bag right now.
Sorry for the formatting of this post, i can't keep it together when I talk about this. If anybody has anything for me just post it below, thanks for reading.
TLDR; I'm a fucking idiot.