this is some big shit. article:
"An international drug kingpin is reportedly personally devastated by the news that a random 17 year old Londoner has been locked up for 6 months for possession of marijuana.
Describing the sentence as an attack to the core of his soul, the drug kingpin announced that he’d immediately change the error of his ways owing to the length and severity of the sentence, which he took as an obvious statement that the the police were closing in on him and his business on the other side of the world in South America.
“The buzzards are circling, that arrest really made that plain to me, all I can do now is get out of the drug manufacture and shipping business and hope that I can live peacefully,” insisted Jorge Robben, pictured here looking pensively into the lens in a plea to police to stop their callous tactics of arresting teenagers because the drug barons “really hate that”.
“This arrest has really hit home to me that this drug trade is evil and I need to get myself good with God before it’s too late,” added Jorge.
He says he plans to hand himself into the authorities after the reports of the young first time offender were relayed to him at his plush mansion replete with pool, tennis court, personal tiger and machine gun collection.
“All the ill gotten proceeds are like ashes in my mouth, the international war on drugs has really got me this time,” he wept. “If only I had never gotten into the drug trade in the first place then that child who I’ve never met and who means nothing to me whatsoever might still be free today.”
A police spokesperson said that they were delighted with Jorge’s abdication and knew it was only a matter of time before enough small time street arrests started to take down the real criminals.
“All the people who said our policies of focusing on small time arrests instead of focusing on hardcore traffickers was a waste of time are eating humble pie now,” laughed the spokesperson. “It only took a mere 40 years too.”
Jorge who has killed at least fifteen people in cold blood, some of whom include family members and children, says that when news reached him of the arrest of 17 year old Matthew Breen for cannabis possession in London he “cried for about a week” before making the realisation that what he was doing was wrong and illegal and that he should probably stop before any more random teenagers are arrested for drug possession.
“You get into this drug business accepting the consequences that you might have to kill or be killed or that the police will come after you, but never in a million years did I think the police would be so callous as to hit me right where it hurts by arresting and ruining the prospects of some random teenager on the other side of the world. How could they be so hurtful?” he cried, becoming emotional once again.
“I can live with feeding rivals to lions and killing police, but when you jeopardise a young man’s college education and future job prospects by charging him for having enough for a few spliffs, then you hit me and all other drug barons where it hurts.”
Jorge concluded our interview indicating that news of the Matthew’s arrest was likely to end the international trafficking of drugs as other drug kingpins like himself were likely to be equally devastated by the tragic news of his arrest and immediately close up shop."