Back when I was in my senior year I experienced detrimental sharting. It was a brisk, fascist
Wednesday night and I was getting ready for band practice. The night before I consumed black
bean soup. I was hunched over pushing to try to release the gas but the pain was too
excruciating, plus I had slight diarrhea. My carine terrier needed to pass water and expel
excrement so that was of my prime concern. However, I was in a rush so I yanked on my dogs
leash to let her know that time was of essence. Little did I know that slight jerk made her
bottonhole clasp. As I was walking she squatted again and creaked over the stern. I stepped in
her poop, however because time was of essence I put my dog in the breezeway and hoped into
my car. I smelt of stale poop and tried pouring Gatorade over my shoe while driving. However,
this only made matters worse and the smell peppered throughout the car. I was anxious and
furious! About 5 minutes into the drive a cat sprints into the middle of the road, instead of
slowing down or veering away, I intentionally sped up and steered into the cats path. I never
will know if in fact it was an unintentional reaction spiced by rage or intentional. I feel the
rumble of the car and stop. I back up and see the cat dead. I cry.
I was already 5 minutes into the drive so it was too late to turn around, thus I headed off to
high school. I parked my white Malibu and hopped out of the car. I walk hunched over making
sure my sphincter was tight. I walked through the main door and a girl whispers to her friend,
"what is that burning rubber smell." I knew she was talking about me because I too could smell
the poop. This is when my sphincter gave way, I knocked on the door of the only bathroom in
close proximity. My band teacher came out, I then felt the gas release and warm poop
exploded, vibrating my butchers. They knew, everyone knew. I slammed the door and shit my
pants. I got half of it in the toilet. I waited until everyone was in the classroom and left out of
This is me...
I ski ice.