Sometimes when its dark i go outside and pretend im a raccoon,
I have on several occasions pooped in the back of unlocked and unattended vehicles. This is a little bit difficult to back up because there seems to be no logic behind this crude act. In actuality there is a strong reason behind the slightly insane act. I was emotionally scarred at a young age when i awoke to a raccoon defecating on my favorite toy in the car seat next to me.
My family had been on vacation for 2 days at the Grand Canyon National Park. On the third day my parents pulled over at a rest stop and stepped out to catch some fresh air. Mere seconds after they had walked the 15 feet to the scenic outlook did the little 'coon crawl up into the back seat. This is when i awoke and saw the raccoon starring me straight in the eye. I started crying and the raccoon was so startled that it moved its bowels....directly onto my favorite Hot Wheels. The Hot Wheels monster truck grave digger replica was now in a pile of feces and i vowed from that day on i would infiltrate the raccoon species until i figured out the reasoning behind the shrewd act of violence and what truly should have started a war on 'coons.
Fast forward a few years and i am now a freshman in high school who has a somewhat difficult time with the ladies mainly due to the fact that 3 days i week i came to the middle school dressed as and painted as a raccoon. I vowed that the the start of high school was a whole new opportunity, one i would take advantage of.
This worked out great until the third monday of my freshman year. I was going to use the bathroom and everything was cool....until i saw it. Someone or something hat defecated in the corner of the toilet stall. I couldn't handle the pressure of the flashback and i slumped up against the side if the stall and slowly slid to the floor on all fours. When i hit the ground my right hand squished into the still war feces on the floor and i instantly knew that this was not human feces but was infact the work of a shrewd 'coon, one that had come back to hunt me.
I ran screaming from the boys room, right past the front doors and out into the teachers parking lot. I was still dizzy drom nearly passing out in the bathroom and alll i could see were 'coons everywhere, in the trees, the bushes, the grass, EVERYWHERE!
I started frantically pulling on the car door handels to try and escape the wretched beasts and finally found a jeep with the door unlocked. I jumped into the backseat and passed out from the fear. I awoke to a terrible smell, i hat passed my bowels all over the interior of the jeep.
I had become the enemy. This was the first day of the rest of my life as a raccoon.
Sometimes i will eat trash right out of the trash receptacle. i will cover my self in fish oil if i can find any. You maY think this is strange but the fish oil is simply to mask my natural human scent. This is more a form of protection from other natural predators.