The wedding date is coming up soon, im sure you're having second thoughts on weather or not you should bail at the last second, but if not im sure you're SUPER excited! I believe you still have not yet chosen your best man yet so im going to throw in my application.
Rusty, I would love to be your best man. I think im the best choice because ive always been there for you. Remember all those times I took you to the/stayed with you/picked you up from the hospital and let you stay at my residence because you were not able to drive home after. How many concussions have we been through together? You may not remember them all, but I sure do.
Remember all the great times we had working together and yelling at all the stupid kids are around the mountain? Remember our failed attempt at making a battleship rail by throwing 2 flat downs together? The monster jump the first year we worked together as park crew? The drunken trip to Oneonta and coming into work 4 hours late the next day? The front flip over the fire that ended up you losing your shoe at that underage party in the woods and then having to run through the woods away from the police? All great times as a result of the place we now call Waste Mountain.
Id like to show you how much dedication I have into being your best man. I knew I couldnt be a best man with a cast on, let alone with a broken ankle. It just wouldn't look good in pictures that you and your soon to be wife will have to remember this beautiful day for the rest of your lives. I wanted to be 100% spot on with my swag, and what brides maids are gonna wanna fuck a cripple? I threw together a few tools I found in the garage. I have a rubber mallet, a Screw driver, and 3 Different pairs of pliers as seen below.
After getting these tools together, I got straight to work. About 2 hours into cutting and hammering, I finally got about halfway through.
You know when you see that nasty thick white stuff seep out of the tip of your penis so you smell it and you realize you have chlamydia? Yeah, it smelled like straight dick cheese, but I pushed through it for you. About 2 more agonizing hours of cliping, striping, ripping, tearing, and hammering later, I finally had it off and boy did it feel great.
My wound seems to have healed up fairly well and wont be seen anyways do to the long black socks I will be wearing with my suit. Hopefully the few brides maids that I choose will be too drunk to notice/get disgusted by it. Maybe ill just turn the lights off, but whats the fun in that?
I wanted to do everything I could to make your Wedding perfect. I think I would make a great best man because well, when have I ever failed you before? I sure as hell wont anytime soon. My calf might look like that of a holocaust victim and I may walk with a slight limp, but that should not be a problem by the time the wedding rolls around. We have been through so much together and I think that I am the perfect candidate to be your best man.