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Found it! Sorry guys
Let me begin by saying I've been an avid fan of both freeskiing and
snowboarding my whole life; consequentially, I have also fallen victim
to several of the trends that I’m about to make fun of. As I type this,
I’m wearing a wool, XXXL Lebron James Nike Hoodie over a pair of
suspenders which sag pea-green Spyder pants below my ass. I’ve still got
these on, along with a hunter orange bandana, despite the fact it's
been a whole four hours since I left the hill.
Despite my own fashion follies, my close proximity to both skiers and
snowboarders over the last few years has made me a bemused observer of
the various stylistic overtones these two youthful winter sports have
given birth to. Let’s start with snowboarding, which plays the role of
freeskiing’s big brother when it comes to trend setting; a brother whose
example is inevitably followed against all reason. Around 2003,
snowboarding coopted NBA and NFL merchandise, along with mainstream hip-
hop couture, to launch itself into its “gangster” phase. F.O.D.T. crew
members like Bittner, Bennee, and McCarthy started rocking jerseys and
even golden Jesus Pieces in park, urban, and even backcountry locales.
The Tall Tee quickly followed as a requisite as an underlayer to the
jersey, hoodie, or jacket. By the winter of 2006, snowboarders and
skiers had collectively discovered that different color Talls could be
stacked on top of each other; we were -- and are, still -- unaware that
the layered t-shirts gave the illusion of long striped dresses.
Perhaps in rebellion against the Tall Tee/jersey movement, many
snowboarders decided tight-pants were the only way that they could
really look like skaters. If snowboarding is freeskiing’s big brother,
then skateboarding is the poster child that big brother pins to his
bedroom walls. Anyway, the shredders took the next step, which was to
raid their sisters’ jean collections and layer up on what looked like
spandex-y long underwear. Worried that Levi-Strauss had cornered the
clothing market, outerwear manufacturers like Airblaster (formerly a leg
bag and sticker company) responded with unisex lines of waterproof
bell-bottom-ish-tight-pants with clasps and buckles to cinch them even
tighter. In the spring of 2005, a rare genus of Park City snowboarders
bridged the gap which had formed between the "gangster" and
"girly-pants" groups by wearing Tall-Tees and tight jeans. This,
predictably, led to the derisive "lampshades" reference.
Around the same time that the Park "Silly" snowboard scene was most
mixed up, skiers started dropping their poles in what seemed to be an
attempt to be more like snowboarders (in reality, it only made them more
closely resemble aggressive in-liners). This trend may have been
initiated by freeskiing’s elite with Fujas and Pollard, but its main
proponents in the public sphere remained those who either didn't know
how to turn or those who somehow found the concept of pole-planting
irksome. Unfortunately, the no-pole fad arrived at the same time as
tight pants and just before matching pants and jacket suits phase, which
would lead to even more confusion. Rocking skintight jeans sans poles,
even a talented freeskier can be easily mistaken for a weekend warrior,
shuffling and wedging through lift lines. Still, nothing compares to the
no-poles, matching-pants-and-jacket-park-skier, who is
indistinguishable from a Texan wearing a Bogner suit.
Skiers not only have the misfortune of inheriting snowboarding’s worst
modes of dress, we also get its second-hand terminology. For instance,
whereas "tindy" is an old school snowboard grab that is neither tail nor
indy, it has become skiing's "cool new grab", where it is similarly
grabbed half-assed. Perhaps the greatest misappropriation of a snowboard
term is freeskiing’s love of the word "afterbang". Popularized when
Robot Food dropped their 2002 freshman film, Afterbang, the term
connotes an effort to make a sketchy trick look better by forcefully
puffing one's chest after landing. The greater ski community never
received that memo however, and six years later we have successfully
changed the word-meaning "whipped cream on crap" to "the icing on the
cake". Skiers everywhere are now thrusting out their hips and arching
their backs while trying to appear relaxed as they ride away from a
trick — two ideas which are as counterintuitive as they sound. On top of
all this, the Tall Tee and "afterbang" movements have unified their
fronts. Literally. Between rail features, groups of skiers often
"afterbang" by forming a slope-descending circle and grabbing onto each
other’s garments — all with the intent of properly stretching out their
Tall Tees. Really.
While that brings us up to speed on the wonderful world of ski fashion
and terminology, snowboarding has recently co-opted one trend which
skiing has yet to adopt. This new rave is that of "the gypsy", a hybrid
that takes everything vagrant, hessian skater, and metal head and straps
this aggregate low-life to a snowboard. Essentially, they’re the Ali
Boulalas (a one-of-a-kind, pro-skateboarding hessian-ista) of
wintersports. While many of these "gypsies" may drive Audi’s to the
hill, they offset reality by wearing leather jackets and ripped black
jeans on snow (blouses optional). Into their now-rarely washed hair,
they twist various gypsy trinkets, dreamcatchers, and bottle caps. In
the park, they can be spotted by their Think Thank-esque noseblocks and
bonks and their greater tendency to avoid larger features and jumps
altogether. While gypsy steeze might hurt your off-hill game anywhere
that's not, say, Portland, Oregon, chances are your local terrain park
is already beginning to resemble the extras crew from Pirates of the
Caribbean.
It is only a matter of time before the freeskiing gypsy will make his
appearance. It will be only then that the "ski bum" of the '70s will
have come full circle; proving once and for all that while fashions may
be short-lived, any and all trends will be recycled, and, unfortunately,
make intelligent, decent people appear as anything but.
