It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, I, woke up in a swamp. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling excessively concerned, I attacked a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved Ski outerwear was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Matt. I had known Matt for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Matt was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... pestering. I called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Matt picked up to a very sad I. Matt calmly assured him that most venomous koalas grimace before mating, yet venomous koalas usually wildly panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting I. Why was Matt trying to distract I? Because he had snuck out from I's with the Ski outerwear only five days prior. It was a eccentric little Ski outerwear... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before I got back to the subject at hand: his Ski outerwear. Matt shuddered. Relunctantly, Matt invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Ski outerwear. I grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Matt realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Ski outerwear and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if I took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least seven minutes before I would get there. But if he took the Skis? Then Matt would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Matt was interrupted by six clueless Grizzlys that were lured by his Ski outerwear. Matt panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he carefully reached for his potato and carefully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Skis rolling up. It was I.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, I was out of the Skis and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Matt's front door. Meanwhile inside, Matt was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Ski outerwear into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Matt was puzzled but at least the Ski outerwear was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Matt earnestly purred. With a inept push, I opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling rationality-deprived retard in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Matt assured him. I took a seat exotically proximate to where Matt had hidden the Ski outerwear. Matt panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But I was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Matt noticed a pestering look on I's face. I slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Matt felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when I asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Ski outerwear right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on I's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. I nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Matt could react, I thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Ski outerwear was plainly in view.
I stared at Matt for what what must've been three hours. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Matt groped wildly in I's direction, clearly desperate. I grabbed the Ski outerwear and bolted for the door. It was locked. Matt let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, I,' he rebuked. Matt always had been a little dimwitted, so I knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Matt did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his Ski outerwear tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Matt looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from I. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for I. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Matt walked over to the window and looked down. I was gone.
Just yonder, I was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Matt's place. I had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Grizzlys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Ski outerwear. One by one they latched on to I. Already weakened from his injury, I yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Grizzlys running off with his Ski outerwear.
About ten hours later, I awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and I did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable bush, I was alarmingly lost. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he remembered that his Ski outerwear was taken by the Grizzlys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little Grizzly emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Grizzly. I opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Grizzly sunk its teeth into I's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from I's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Matt was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Ski outerwear. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about I... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Ski outerwear that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Grizzlys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after and I decided to sell my outerwear to buy something new.
