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BdoubleU
Posts: 880 - Karma: 291

Looking for other college kids, grads, anyone with experience in what I'm dealing with.

A little about me. 20 years old and finishing my 2nd year of community college. Right out of high school in 09' I began fucking with opiates. Hydros recreationally led to using them daily...which then by the end of 09 led to dipping into oxycontin. It happened fast, and it prolonged for close to a year.

Fast forward to last september 16th 2010...I started an outpatient program with the help of friends, family, and every1 in between I am still clean to this day. It's exciting to know how far I've come and I don't ever plan to look back. First step, taken care of.

Now here I am 6 months about to be going on 7 months clean from opiates, still going to school and have grown up a ton... But have found myself REALLY lost these past few months.

I graduated with a good gpa, got accepted fucking everywhere, and my dumbass drug induced decisions led me to stay in my hometown and go to cummunity college (which isn't a bad choice for some) because I thought at the time, that I had everything I needed. Why change it?

I have a damn good family, friends, all the support you could ask for, but I still can't get out of this slump my mind's been in these past few months.

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MY MAIN QUESTION TO YOU NS, or the ones whom have some experience with this...how the fuck did you guy's "find yourself"?

I constantly am reminded of my past here and the idea of staying here and continuing community college seems so wrong for me as I'm not living up to my potential.

I think I truely need this spring semester off to do something NEW. Find out who the fuck I am because all I can remember is the idiot I turned into these past couple years.

If you've read this far and can give me some insight? +k. I'm not the type to vent what so ever... but I know there are some good people on this site who've been through similar shit.

Least I still got my trees and skiing. :/

Mar 21 2011 5:07PM
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Tasche
Posts: 5422 - Karma: 99
Take the credit you got and go to an affordable college (which can mean a lot of things depending on your financial situation)

Get a useful broad degree like business or mechanical engineering. Getting a specific degree will not help you if you need to "find yourself"

You will never regret having a college degree. After that just let life happen and you will find your way.
Mar 21 2011 5:13PM
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BdoubleU
Posts: 880 - Karma: 291

AMEN to the responses thus far.

I know it's not going to be handed to be What so ever. I learned that real quick with fighting this addiction. I can't reittirate the struggle it was and advise any and everyone with no knowledge of the topic...to stay the fuck away from opiates if not prescribed.

I've been leaning toward a vacation...to just get away from everything. I just hope along the way I can find who I truely am NOW, as compared to what I became.

Mar 21 2011 5:16PM
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BravoWhiskey5280
Posts: 4020 - Karma: 520
Im in the same boat as you man. Im going to school but I don't know what I wanna do with my life and Im feeling that all this money going to school is just a waist cause I have don't have an exact plan for my future. Good job on staying sober too! Being an addict is a fucking son of a bitch and is honestly one of the hardest things in life to overcome.
Mar 21 2011 5:18PM
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Shark.
Posts: 3158 - Karma: 270
Havn't read the thread yet, but you stole my initials. BW
Mar 21 2011 5:19PM
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BravoWhiskey5280
Posts: 4020 - Karma: 520
Wow those are my initials as well. Except my initials with my full name is BMW thaha.
Mar 21 2011 5:20PM
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RubberSoul
Posts: 11249 - Karma: 14,642
half the experience of college is going somewhere new and starting fresh and meeting new people and hitting your stride. try to take your credits to a different but affordable school and you'll get out of the same old mindset you feel stuck in
Mar 21 2011 5:21PM
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mozzy
Posts: 1034 - Karma: 60
How did you 'find yourself'?

I think it's wrong to word that in the past tense. You're always finding yourself. I've done a whole lot of stuff in my life, been to plenty of places, gone riding on six continents, and I'm still figuring myself out.

As for being in community college and having this feeling that you're not living up to your potential, well, all I can say is study hard, get that degree, and enjoy reaching that milestone. There's plenty of low points in life, you went through one, it's just another hurdle to jump, get used to it, you will have billions more in life, small and big ones.


Mar 21 2011 5:22PM
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skiierman
Posts: 28699 - Karma: -5,563
get into an activity, do that activity, love that activity and fuck everything else.

you're only 20 so my suggestion to you is do what you love that is healthy for you mentally and physically and don't worry about anything else. the rest of your life, if you're not a complete shit bag screw up, will fall into place.
Mar 21 2011 5:22PM
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Shark.
Posts: 3158 - Karma: 270
NOw I have read.

As for "finding yourself", I am still struggling really hard with this. I'm finishing up my frosh yr of college now (last quarter!) and am fucking confused. I have no idea what I want to major in, what I want to do after school, what to do in school. Im considering transfering as well, and I just have no fucking clue. Next winter I'm taking off of school to try and "find myself". Im gonna live in slc hopefully and just work in the mountains, so my hope is that something will come to me or whatever.
Idk i guess that doesnt really help you much but thats my story in a nutshell
Mar 21 2011 5:23PM
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ImNotARacist
Posts: 5136 - Karma: -1,033
This is where I am at. It seems like my only concern right now is money. I don't want to be in school and I don't know what to do with my life. All I know is I want to snowboard every single day. Its hard sometimes not knowing what you want to do or what direction you should take your life.

There are so many easy ways out. Drop, get a job, live week to week. Join the army, navy, airforce etc.

Im with you man. Let me know if you figure out the secret.
Mar 21 2011 5:25PM
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DIX~
Posts: 4695 - Karma: 6,502
I'm 12 and what is this
Mar 21 2011 5:26PM
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theabortionator
Posts: 51261 - Karma: 157,426
Just my $.02 but I've felt like you kind of know who you are. It's a lot more of just accepting it and trying to be the best you you can be. Congrats on getting clean from opiates. Shit is the devil. i still have plenty of friends struggling, def not an easy thing to kick.


I never went to college. If you think going to a bigger 4 year school is the right thing for you I say go for it. Find somewhere that your credits can transfer to if you can.


Best of luck man
Mar 21 2011 5:27PM
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a_pla5tic_bag
Posts: 9210 - Karma: 5,357
here's an idea - transfer. You stayed home and all your problems are there right? well leave, and leave them behind. And sure they'll be ways to cause the same problems elsewhere but just seek them out and they won't find you.
Mar 21 2011 5:29PM
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Bobbum~Man
Posts: 228 - Karma: 10
The best thing that I ever did was get out of my hometown for a few years. It takes you out of your comfort zone, forces you to try new things, meet new people, etc. The only way to "find yourself" is to get out into the world and experience as much as you can.

Also remember, just because you go to college and major in a certain area does not mean you are destined to be trapped in that profession for the rest of your life. I am only 27 and when I graduated college I started out in real estate, moved on to working with persons with mental health issues and just recently took a job as a project manager with an agricultural company. As far as jobs/careers go, my experience has shown that getting to know as many people as you can and "networking" is a whole hell of a lot more valuable than what you major in.

Make a decision, go at it with all of your energy and focus and learn to except whatever results may come your way. More often then not things will work out for those people that work hard and mean well (the whole karma thing).

Sorry for the massive wall of text, and good luck.
Mar 21 2011 5:45PM
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panojibber
Posts: 3382 - Karma: 216
Good on you for getting and staying clean.

If you've been doing well in school and you got accepted at other places, why not transfer? I mean, your real problem seems like you're just bored of your home town. I think the best thing you could do is to transfer out and start living on your own away from your family and your old friends. This would bring you a year closer to your degree, and give you some space/time to figure things out. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out, you finish next year and decide you want to do something that isn't school for a year.
Mar 21 2011 5:47PM
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gnarnia.
Posts: 1346 - Karma: 55
Stay happy. Read self help books, keep a journal, and think positively. It's super cliche but you wouldn't believe the therapy that can come from it. Get away if you need to get away. Just enjoy life and take it a day at a time.
Mar 21 2011 5:49PM
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BdoubleU
Posts: 880 - Karma: 291

God you guy's. Such great responses....can't quote all of you.

Few things that stood out...As far as I already do know who I am...I somewhat believe that. But my life im living right now seems to be reflecting on my decisions I made while in my addict mind.

Transfering...Def. a go to plan and probably will come this next year. I am just struggling on being 2 years almost completeled with no game plan what soever. I mean hell, these last 2 years for the most part was me barely going, although still passing because the classes I chose to take were utter bullshit as the school quarters went on.

IDK. It's just depressing as FUCK to know what I lost and threw away because of drugs. Hell I've gained a lot of it back...but the thoughts eat at me constantly. I know time is the key thing to this.

Mar 21 2011 5:53PM
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RubberSoul
Posts: 11249 - Karma: 14,642
youre way too young to be wasting time thinking about shit youve lost and thrown away.. youre what 20? unless youve committed a felony or something you still are at the point in your life where you make things happen and are pretty much a blank slate.. go get em tiger dont let pointless thoughts get in your way
Mar 21 2011 5:56PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
I didn't fuck around with drugs but this sounds like a good idea.

Right now, all I want is to finish my degree and then figure it out from there.
Mar 21 2011 5:57PM
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Mr.Huck
Posts: 6096 - Karma: 14,893
There is much truth in this ^. 

1) Figure out what you love to do?
Stop:  Is this something that is going to wreck your life?
  a) If yes, repeat step 1.
  b) If no, proceed to step 2.
2) Determine a way to make money doing it?
Stop: Is this possible?
  a) If no, repeat step 1.
  b) If yes, proceed to step 3.
3) Plan out what you need to do and learn to make a living doing what you love or what you like a lot that doesn't involve narcotics and/or other self destructive things.
4) Once you feel that you have examined your idea from every possible angle and have learned everything you need to know, execute. 

People may tell you that your idea is stupid for whatever reason.  This is a good thing because it makes you take a more critical look at certain elements of your idea.  Don't get discouraged by people's criticism.  They may be pointing out real problems.  Problems don't mean that it won't work.  It's actually when you get to the point where no one questions any part of your plan, or you have an answer for everything, that you start to get nervous. 
Mar 21 2011 5:59PM
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TheClap.
Posts: 21649 - Karma: 4,013
Im in the same boat as you. I have one class left before I am all done with school. I am a psych major and I love it. But last semester I had an amazing job that I was making a shit ton of money and nothing to do with it, So before i knew it I got mixed in with the wrong crowd, was legit ruining my life. Was doing things I never thought I would be doing.

I spent a complete month high. From the time I woke up till the time I went to bed. Now I barley smoked before that. Smoking led me to start tripping balls 3/4 times a week. It was rough and i am not proud of it. It got to the point where I really couldnt tell if i was sleeping or not. I was in a medical coma o few years back and I convinced myslef that what I was living now was all a dream and I was still In the hospital in a coma. It led to me failing my only class. At this point I was rock bottom. And one night I took 10grams of shrooms and had the worst day of my life, spent 12 hours under a table scared for my life, not knowing what was real or not. After that I took a real deep look at my life and decided to get my shit stright. I have been clean since, and it is a good feeling.

As for you, take a semester off if you think you can go back, I have seen so many people do this and then they never go back. Go around looking at schools where you fit in. Going to a school that you love will make shit so much more easier. Take some classes to figure out what your into. You are not alone, most people do not know what they are going to do when they are done with school. Its hard but finding something you like doing will make life alot easier.

I was doing collections for a few banks and was making 100k at the time, but I hated it. Im not the person who can take away a house/car/something from a person because they lost their job and cant pay for it anymore.

Thats why I went back into child therapy and I love my job, I make half as much as I did, but to me money was the ruit to all my problems.

I wish you the best of luck with everything, just do what feels right and dont force anything. Never lose hope because life should always be about having fun, never lose that.
Mar 21 2011 6:01PM
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BdoubleU
Posts: 880 - Karma: 291
Props panda. I see so many people who are or were good friends just now dipping into oxy's/roxi's whatever... and I sit there and tell them...man you watched me fucking bomb and fall off do you think it's going to be any different for you? I didn't have the knowledge prior to starting them for "fun" but now after being through all this, I just try to spread the word because it is not a fun place to be in. Live and learn but god damn, I woulda loved to skip this step.
Mar 21 2011 6:01PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
Hey man, I fucked up and flunked out of one college. It's partly why I came back home at 22 to finish school in my hometown.


And like someone else said, find an activity you like that keeps you healthy. I did.
Mar 21 2011 6:06PM
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geteducated
Posts: 6410 - Karma: 86
shit man, i went out to western canada to have a good experience, mom just died and to get refocused on what i want to do for the rest of my life.. and i did drugs i never thought i would do. but at the same time, i did things out there that not many people could say they've done. heliskiing/commercial tuna fishing..

if you go that route be careful. you're going to find a lot of people who are living the day to day and not wanting to grow up because of their addictions. at least thats what i found. if your will power isn't so strong you might sink back into it.

just a heads up on what you might run back into...
Mar 21 2011 6:07PM
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SPskier543
Posts: 2413 - Karma: 324
Soul searching on top of a mountain deep in the backcountry. Jk, but may work for you?
Mar 21 2011 6:10PM
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freestyle_kyle
Posts: 2620 - Karma: 164
Click for larger image

Getting out of my hometown and living my life on my own was the best thing I've done as well! I moved away on New Year's Eve in 2009, and started a new life in Nelson BC. I look back over the last year and a couple months and cannot believe how much my perspective and life has changed. Moving away can be tough at first, but when you leave your comfort zone and challenge yourself you grow so much stronger.

Congrats on staying clean for so long! I moved away in part because i wanted to leave certain substances and situations behind me. The people who you associate with have a huge impact on your life. It can be difficult to create a change in your life if you stay in the same situation with the same people (especcially if they're using or something)

Another thing that really had a positive impact on my life and general well being is meditation. I began meditating a couple years ago, with the help of guided mediation CD's and crystals. Everything in our universe is created out of vibrating energy, matter is just energy condensed to a very slow vibration. Crystals carry a high vibration, and have different effects on you bodies own vibe. Amythest is a great crystal to meditate with at first, it helps to open you 3rd eye. The Chakra system is the idea that we have 7 major spinning energetic vortexes within our physical body (and more!). These Chakras correspond physically with your endocrine system, or your hormonal glands. By meditating and becoming aware of the energetic flow within your body, you can balance your chakras and balance your hormones. In deep states of mediation (focused awareness), your brain releases feel good chemicals such as serotonin and dopamine. I also think it may release small amounts of DMT in meditation.

I believe in this 'crazy' stuff because it helps makes me a happy, loving, balanced person. Its cool to think that there is a divine spark of Creator within each of us. We are here to explore this world of polarity and duality, and to realize that we are all Creators. We are all creating our own reality, and together we shape our world. Let's choose to make it awesome! But there are many paths you can choose to walk, and only YOU will know whats right for you.

Mar 21 2011 6:13PM
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.jersey
Posts: 1925 - Karma: 9
Transfer to a college or move. Somewhere at least where you could start off brand new with no reputation where nobody knows you, yet close enough so you could be with your family and friends if needed.
Mar 21 2011 6:17PM
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BdoubleU
Posts: 880 - Karma: 291
Lots of good shit in this thread. Thanks you guys...
Mar 21 2011 6:49PM
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Anathema
Posts: 21048 - Karma: 5,061
im like 14 so ill stay out of this one

good luck, and may the force be with you
Mar 21 2011 6:56PM
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Skipig25
Posts: 10729 - Karma: 256
transferring is not a bad idea, I went to college 2600 miles away from home, and I don't regret it at all. I actually appreciate my hometown a lot more for what it is now that I have moved, and I like visiting my parents again. After high school I was just ready for a change, and I'm glad that I did.

That being said, if you need a break, travel. Here, I'll put it in caps. TRAVEL! every always says they either loved traveling if they have, or they regret not travelling in college if they didn't. It's a great way to see new stuff, "create" yourself, figure out life and take a break. It doesn't matter where you go, go wherever you can afford. (I always suggest somewhere warm however)

Then you can go back with a fresh head, and either decide to stay at community college, or transfer somewhere else.

also, for what it's worth, check and see if your school has an exchange program. sometimes you can go to school in sweet foreign places for the price of your tuition at community college
Mar 21 2011 7:00PM
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Skipig25
Posts: 10729 - Karma: 256
transferring is not a bad idea, I went to college 2600 miles away from home, and I don't regret it at all. I actually appreciate my hometown a lot more for what it is now that I have moved, and I like visiting my parents again. After high school I was just ready for a change, and I'm glad that I did.

That being said, if you need a break, travel. Here, I'll put it in caps. TRAVEL! every always says they either loved traveling if they have, or they regret not travelling in college if they didn't. It's a great way to see new stuff, "create" yourself, figure out life and take a break. It doesn't matter where you go, go wherever you can afford. (I always suggest somewhere warm however)

Then you can go back with a fresh head, and either decide to stay at community college, or transfer somewhere else.

also, for what it's worth, check and see if your school has an exchange program. sometimes you can go to school in sweet foreign places for the price of your tuition at community college
Mar 21 2011 7:00PM
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Magikarp
Posts: 251 - Karma: 10
I am centered because A) I found a passion in something, and B) I spent more time thinking about myself and learned to not give a fuck about anything but what I deemed important.
Mar 21 2011 7:01PM
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H8CH
Posts: 2709 - Karma: 218
Travel.

Take a year off and travel the world - Far East, Europe, Austrailia, S America.... . About 2/3rds through you'll realize what it is you COULD do and achieve, and not just who you are, what you think you should be etc etc.... it broadens the mind, refreshes the sole, gives you new energy and drive to achieve great things - plus it will give you a lifetimes worth of memories and friends.... and great stories for the boys...

Now compare that idea with staying in your hometown for the next year....

Just some food for thought.
Mar 21 2011 7:02PM
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squibble
Posts: 4569 - Karma: 104
you mean like accepting yourself for who you are and moving on from the past? most likely you're already the person you are looking for, you just don't see it yet

i think you need to stop feeling anxious (but not completetly) about "finding" yourself. thats easier said than done. a great distraction from that is a vacation. moving out of your house can have the same effect, but you need to be doing a lot, break routine, challenge what you believe, surprise yourself,

drug addicts make bad decisions, but i think if they can overcome their addiction than they have already accomplished something that few can empathize with and are already ahead of the game,


Mar 21 2011 7:04PM
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Krotchs_Brother
Posts: 1133 - Karma: 3,006
im 14 also, this thread scares me. good luck tho.
Mar 21 2011 7:04PM
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SteezyOhio
Posts: 6044 - Karma: 60
first- congrats on being clean man, thats a big thing to do.
secondly- look for a college out of home, you might want to explore places near and far, finding friends at college has been one the best adventures for me, and i now find myself in a odd place, i feel as if i am a guest at my own home, which is good and bad. Good because i now know i've matured greatly since highschool, bad because i feel i have lost touch with those i was once close with. But to be honest its gotta happen eventually, you just don't wanna be living at home all your life i guess. Try exploring your hobbies and finding a major or major path that would be of interest. best of luck chap
Mar 21 2011 7:06PM
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--ski--
Posts: 1670 - Karma: 817
I wasn't addicted to any one drug inparticular I was just addicted to getting as fucked out of my mind as possible on whatever I could get my hands on. About 12 months of that went by and I just woke up one time and pretty much looked at my life and thought "Holy fuck I truly am a waste of space"

I did what I had to do. Moved out of where I was and just got really into my work and hobbies. I made sure that I was always occupied really.

Mar 21 2011 7:07PM
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BdoubleU
Posts: 880 - Karma: 291

I agree with you to the fullest.

Anxiety is one of my downfalls but I've learned to live with it and control it to an extent.

Mar 21 2011 7:08PM
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chicken
Posts: 6843 - Karma: 2,122
Moved to the west coast, started studying earth and ocean sciences and bought my first surfboard.

Mar 21 2011 7:08PM
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