SocialInterview.com asked me "What would you say if Caitlin Sullivan named their next child after you?"
I replyed, ''I would make said child into a football and have a catch with John Elway from the 1997 Denver Broncos while waiting for Cait to make us sandwiches, then when I got tired I would take my spaceship to the moon and take a nap...then drink lots of beer...lots and lots of beer.mmmm beer. I throw up, drink more... beer then get a DWI in my spaceship. god damn space police. They put me in prison and my jailmate is non other than the rapper T.I. , we would create ill rymez together and talk about life. We both get out of jail and our songz float to the top of the charts. Meghan Elliot writes an article about us in Maxim magazine saying we are the greatest Boi band(thats right..boy with an "I") since Nsync and the Backstreet boys. T.I. falls in love with the lead singer from Hanson...you know, the "Um Bop" Kid. I marry Miley Cyrus, we become the hottest celeb couple to date. shes now 17 years old and hotter than ever even though shes addicted to heroin. That dosnt stop my dying love for her. The sex is great. We have 4 kids. 1 Boy and 3 Girls. I name my son Jim, my first daughter Cait, My second Beth, and my third Melissa just to be a douchebag. We create hit songs in our studio on the moon whilst raising our fabulous children. The day after MelMel was born, Taylor McFierceson married all 3 of the Jonas brothers. Their kids are cuteies and remind me of oreos. Nov.18th 2010-there was an accident. The US Toxic Waste plant on the moon explodes. Toxic waste spills into our home and gets us all icky and sticky. As the next few days go by while our children are playing the greatest game ever created(breast milk pong) we notice strange things happening.Could it be? YES! WE ARE DEVELOPING SUPER POWERS. Superman aint got shit on us! Our voices slowly start to change. We lose our amazing musical talent. We slowly fade from the celebrity headlines. Sept. 10th 2011-Dane Menia wins the lottery and buys every piece of shit on wheels that he can get his hands on. Im happy for him. He sadly dies in a horrific car crash in his Ford Model T going 10.4 mph. He is put in the guinness book of world records for breaking the previous Model T speed record of 9.8 mph.He is considered a Hero. The crime rate raises dramatically. My family and I start fighting crime like that pussy Captain Planet did except we are actually awsome and fight crime, not pick up trash. We form the fighting force "Hells Angles." Dont fuck with us bitch, we're the mightiest sourcerers of the land! May 8th 2015- Mike Ranellone becomes president with the famous slogan "If you dont vote NERD then you're a TERD" he brings World Peace. He marries the fonz. Ironic? I think not. My children are getting older and their powers stronger. There is no more crime to fight so we start to battle eachother. Miley gets seriously ill, its swine, I know it. The doctor says she dosnt have long to live. She dies 3 days later. I am horrified. I abandon my kids and join the circus, its what Miley would have wanted me to do. I tell my story to millions of travelers far and wide. JK Rowling writes a book about my life. It instantly becomes a best seller. Years later it is turned into a movie with record viewings at the box office. I think back upon my life as I am lying in my death bed realizing I am the shit. I Scream My names Kevin Valentine and I AINT NO FUCKIN JOKE! as I pass away holding my dick over my wrist like a watch with a little note next to me that says "Hey I cant read my watch can you tell me what time it is?" People watch the video of my will and its just a video of me laughing at the people that actually tried to "read my watch." I meet Dane in hell. We ride dirtbikes into the firey sunset together. The End. no im not drunk and yes it could happen.''