I have become so self conscious that i can no longer voice an opinion without feeling weak in a sea of anxiety. How can i shake myself from this tragic place? Its killing my creativity and my ability to be a unique individual. Any help would be embraced with the grandest of reward!
Kriple Krew
Kriple Krew
life conquest...............
"Find the resolve to become the stone pillars you are Inside"
Kriple Krew
"Find the resolve to become the stone pillars you are Inside"
Kriple Krew
I can help!
lets start slow.
let me first tell you where I am now in life.
I have evolved to finally have some qualitites I have been striving for. There was a catalyst, I'll get there.
The following qualities are now my pride:
Honesty
Loyalty
Trustworthiness
having these qualities has elevated me, have become pillars.
It was a girl who helped me become.
She wasnt there when I finally arrived, but the mental exercise was of utmost importance.
I was in Kamloops, she was in ottawa while we both went to school.
We were going to try to make it work.
In order to do so, I began my mental training, which unfortunately involved abandoning her in the meantime while I strived to achieve a state of mind where I could be what I knew I was inside, and to give her what she deserves. I wasn't sure if I could do it, to not think dirty thoughts about other girls, to not flirt with other girls, and to not "make a-sexy time" with any other girls. But I did, I rose up, and now I have personal power. I can look anyone in the eyes, confient in who I am. This is a Direct result of my decisions. The wisdom of the Dalai Lama co-incides with my personal beliefs.
Avoid loud and abrasive persons - they are a vexation to the spirit.
Rules are for Beginners.
When you don't want to go out drinking, and there are dumb blondes telling you you should go, don't .
That resolve will make you feel stronger, and people will notice.
make the decision you know you should make.
DOn't entertain peoples shit if you don't want to.
Don;'t be friends with someone you don't respect.
Don't be friends with someone who doesn't respect you.
Don't waste your valuable time on people who will drain you.
follow your gut.
you know what you have to do, so do it. Now.
No time like the present.
ok, that should be enough for now.
whats up in your life specifically?
lets start slow.
let me first tell you where I am now in life.
I have evolved to finally have some qualitites I have been striving for. There was a catalyst, I'll get there.
The following qualities are now my pride:
Honesty
Loyalty
Trustworthiness
having these qualities has elevated me, have become pillars.
It was a girl who helped me become.
She wasnt there when I finally arrived, but the mental exercise was of utmost importance.
I was in Kamloops, she was in ottawa while we both went to school.
We were going to try to make it work.
In order to do so, I began my mental training, which unfortunately involved abandoning her in the meantime while I strived to achieve a state of mind where I could be what I knew I was inside, and to give her what she deserves. I wasn't sure if I could do it, to not think dirty thoughts about other girls, to not flirt with other girls, and to not "make a-sexy time" with any other girls. But I did, I rose up, and now I have personal power. I can look anyone in the eyes, confient in who I am. This is a Direct result of my decisions. The wisdom of the Dalai Lama co-incides with my personal beliefs.
Avoid loud and abrasive persons - they are a vexation to the spirit.
Rules are for Beginners.
When you don't want to go out drinking, and there are dumb blondes telling you you should go, don't .
That resolve will make you feel stronger, and people will notice.
make the decision you know you should make.
DOn't entertain peoples shit if you don't want to.
Don;'t be friends with someone you don't respect.
Don't be friends with someone who doesn't respect you.
Don't waste your valuable time on people who will drain you.
follow your gut.
you know what you have to do, so do it. Now.
No time like the present.
ok, that should be enough for now.
whats up in your life specifically?
Ripe is the time for the flight of plight from my mind
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
well lets see, where do i give birth to this rant of my rather dionysian experience?
It started with a trip to africa. I got there and for some reason I wanted to kill myself. I think it as because i was surounded by a bunch of rich kid jerks who didnt give a shit about anything but themseleves. We were sent to africa to help change the world, apparently it was just another excuse to party at bars and spend dads money. So in the deep turmoil of suicidal despair I climbed table mountain in cape town without any ropes. I didnt really care if i died so i figured i might as well die feeling alive as opposed to some quiet act of desperation in a closet with some rope or sharp metal or little sleeper pills. As fate would have it i almost fell to my death many times but my will survive kept me going and i reached the top of the mountain. It there on the top of this majestic statement of nature that i reached a higher level of consciousness and i became consumed with this strange euphoric feeling of lightness and unlimited optimism. I really thought i was going to start some cult religion and set people free from the shackles of their cognitive slumbers. I also thought that this feeling was a sign from the devine that i wasnt ready to die and my plug would be pulled on another hour. So with the help of my new feeling i became a new man, a rebirth a strange awakening, i became a dangerous thing in this world.......... absolutely fearless.
I really thought i could change the god damn world. I went to a small little surf town taught a bunch of street kids how to surf and left a donation project at some of the local hostels. I got to america and felt rotten about school and capitalism so i retired from its demands and set out on the road. I traveled to california, nevada and colorado. I was going to take a little moratorium of responsibilty, write a book about my experience and then work for a social wellfare company that helped the genetically disinfranchized. It was poet revolt against the mundane experience. True to the nature of this forum it was my way of saying fuck the america dream! The only thing was my dream came to a tragic halt, The school i was going to wanted their money back. Apparently they put a invest in me and wanted me to become successfull and tell all the suits how my school was the reason for my paradise. Then the suits would send their kids to the school and the school could still brag about me. When i ran away i was giving them the finger and they wanted their scholarship money back, 20000 dollars to be exact. I mean fuck that so i surrender back with the herd and my fearlessness was gone. With about 2 weeks to save my grades from death i just turned into an intelectual hermit and read and read and studied and studied. I had 2 weeks to do a whole symester of work! Somehow with a little faith i passed my classes and saved my scholarship. Ohh yeah i convinced my teachers that i was really depressed all year and wanted to kill myself, i left out the whole adventure part. So after that i was back at ground zero and in some strange sense i felt cheated. Over time my soul began to fade away and the vibrant color of optimism had been replaced by a spoil of existential grey. Life had lost is meaning and i became so insecure i didnt think i could ever be that bohemian again. My friend suicide was creeping around the corner. One day while skiing at breck love i ended up hitting a little girl and i almost killed her. I saw my life flash before my eyes and invisioned myself behind bars getting pounded in the ass by some skin head who didnt know that the german facists had been defeated. She was lying there bent in half screaming and her father was telling me he was going to kill me. " Im going to fucking kill you little fucking punk prick. You killed my little girl." Although the girl didnt die the experience was a litte overwhelming to say the least and really fucked my mind hard and put in a bad bad place. I never really got things straight after that, the whole stone pellar metahphor had crumbled into the ashes of post dramatic dispair. I felt really rotten for a long time. Around the same time my girl friend threw me away because i didnt want to live with her in hawaii and i felt like i was slipping into the confines of insansity! I didnt help meeting a god damn mystic lady at an AA meeting who put me in a trance with a spirtual crystal and told me she was sent from the divine to set me free and somehow in the past life she was my mother or lover. She ended up kissing me and read my mind and told me my whole life story. God it was fucking weird. After that i just kind of went into a professional hysteria. I really believed the woman and somehow felt my near death experience in africa had awakened me to the spiritual side of things but somehow the dark forces had taken over. I was always a golden boy but in the last few months i went crazy with lust. I began dating lost of chicks and just fucking them left and right. I wrote great poems on my walls and discovered a theory for personality developement that my professor thought was really good, i wrote that on the wall too. I found out later that some zen master came up with my theory a long time ago and named it the big mind project.( look it up) and he was making a killing off it. All these insecure people would come in and he would feed them this mystic zen buddha existential bullshit and apparently it was setting people free. His shit was my shit and he setting people free or whatever and making lots of green paradise. It was to much my life was just getting to fucking out of control. I was still fucking lots of girls, going crazy and writting poetry like i was possessed by the devil. My grades went to shit and finally i just had a big break down and didnt know how to play the game of life anymore. I didnt know how to write a paper and my constructs were so spilt i was like six different people.
So yeah that is where i am now. I guess i dont know how to get serious anymore. I have been playing with my cognitive thought processing so much ( changing how i react to stimulus) my legs feel shakey and i dont know if i can ever finish the book im working on and i dont know if im just a big farce drunk on his own views of rebellion and fictional finalisms( poet, author, song writer, activist) maybe im not supposed to really make a lasting impression maybe a shallow grave and an unknown headstone is what the gods had in mind along.
the end.
still if any advice could be given im just dying here, im in a bad place and i need a strangers hand!
Kriple Krew
It started with a trip to africa. I got there and for some reason I wanted to kill myself. I think it as because i was surounded by a bunch of rich kid jerks who didnt give a shit about anything but themseleves. We were sent to africa to help change the world, apparently it was just another excuse to party at bars and spend dads money. So in the deep turmoil of suicidal despair I climbed table mountain in cape town without any ropes. I didnt really care if i died so i figured i might as well die feeling alive as opposed to some quiet act of desperation in a closet with some rope or sharp metal or little sleeper pills. As fate would have it i almost fell to my death many times but my will survive kept me going and i reached the top of the mountain. It there on the top of this majestic statement of nature that i reached a higher level of consciousness and i became consumed with this strange euphoric feeling of lightness and unlimited optimism. I really thought i was going to start some cult religion and set people free from the shackles of their cognitive slumbers. I also thought that this feeling was a sign from the devine that i wasnt ready to die and my plug would be pulled on another hour. So with the help of my new feeling i became a new man, a rebirth a strange awakening, i became a dangerous thing in this world.......... absolutely fearless.
I really thought i could change the god damn world. I went to a small little surf town taught a bunch of street kids how to surf and left a donation project at some of the local hostels. I got to america and felt rotten about school and capitalism so i retired from its demands and set out on the road. I traveled to california, nevada and colorado. I was going to take a little moratorium of responsibilty, write a book about my experience and then work for a social wellfare company that helped the genetically disinfranchized. It was poet revolt against the mundane experience. True to the nature of this forum it was my way of saying fuck the america dream! The only thing was my dream came to a tragic halt, The school i was going to wanted their money back. Apparently they put a invest in me and wanted me to become successfull and tell all the suits how my school was the reason for my paradise. Then the suits would send their kids to the school and the school could still brag about me. When i ran away i was giving them the finger and they wanted their scholarship money back, 20000 dollars to be exact. I mean fuck that so i surrender back with the herd and my fearlessness was gone. With about 2 weeks to save my grades from death i just turned into an intelectual hermit and read and read and studied and studied. I had 2 weeks to do a whole symester of work! Somehow with a little faith i passed my classes and saved my scholarship. Ohh yeah i convinced my teachers that i was really depressed all year and wanted to kill myself, i left out the whole adventure part. So after that i was back at ground zero and in some strange sense i felt cheated. Over time my soul began to fade away and the vibrant color of optimism had been replaced by a spoil of existential grey. Life had lost is meaning and i became so insecure i didnt think i could ever be that bohemian again. My friend suicide was creeping around the corner. One day while skiing at breck love i ended up hitting a little girl and i almost killed her. I saw my life flash before my eyes and invisioned myself behind bars getting pounded in the ass by some skin head who didnt know that the german facists had been defeated. She was lying there bent in half screaming and her father was telling me he was going to kill me. " Im going to fucking kill you little fucking punk prick. You killed my little girl." Although the girl didnt die the experience was a litte overwhelming to say the least and really fucked my mind hard and put in a bad bad place. I never really got things straight after that, the whole stone pellar metahphor had crumbled into the ashes of post dramatic dispair. I felt really rotten for a long time. Around the same time my girl friend threw me away because i didnt want to live with her in hawaii and i felt like i was slipping into the confines of insansity! I didnt help meeting a god damn mystic lady at an AA meeting who put me in a trance with a spirtual crystal and told me she was sent from the divine to set me free and somehow in the past life she was my mother or lover. She ended up kissing me and read my mind and told me my whole life story. God it was fucking weird. After that i just kind of went into a professional hysteria. I really believed the woman and somehow felt my near death experience in africa had awakened me to the spiritual side of things but somehow the dark forces had taken over. I was always a golden boy but in the last few months i went crazy with lust. I began dating lost of chicks and just fucking them left and right. I wrote great poems on my walls and discovered a theory for personality developement that my professor thought was really good, i wrote that on the wall too. I found out later that some zen master came up with my theory a long time ago and named it the big mind project.( look it up) and he was making a killing off it. All these insecure people would come in and he would feed them this mystic zen buddha existential bullshit and apparently it was setting people free. His shit was my shit and he setting people free or whatever and making lots of green paradise. It was to much my life was just getting to fucking out of control. I was still fucking lots of girls, going crazy and writting poetry like i was possessed by the devil. My grades went to shit and finally i just had a big break down and didnt know how to play the game of life anymore. I didnt know how to write a paper and my constructs were so spilt i was like six different people.
So yeah that is where i am now. I guess i dont know how to get serious anymore. I have been playing with my cognitive thought processing so much ( changing how i react to stimulus) my legs feel shakey and i dont know if i can ever finish the book im working on and i dont know if im just a big farce drunk on his own views of rebellion and fictional finalisms( poet, author, song writer, activist) maybe im not supposed to really make a lasting impression maybe a shallow grave and an unknown headstone is what the gods had in mind along.
the end.
still if any advice could be given im just dying here, im in a bad place and i need a strangers hand!
Kriple Krew
Wow man, You said so much there...
1st ask yourself what is bothering you, but do not fixate on the idea.
Next, can anything be done to help your situation?
What is something you enjoy doing?
What would you most like to accomplish?
It really sounds like you've had a very crazy run a life, with lots of depth and insights into things. I thought that story about climbing that mountain was pretty amazing. I can relate with similar events that happened in my life when I would go on over-night solo trips into the Whistler backcountry and ski big lines. Doing things like that you certainly get a whole new awareness of life, as you feel the responsibility every move you make when you need to be self reliant. You sound like a really smart person, don't let the world get you down.
I'll throw you my contact information if you need someone to talk to ... I've gone through this kind of thing before and life is good today.
1st ask yourself what is bothering you, but do not fixate on the idea.
Next, can anything be done to help your situation?
What is something you enjoy doing?
What would you most like to accomplish?
It really sounds like you've had a very crazy run a life, with lots of depth and insights into things. I thought that story about climbing that mountain was pretty amazing. I can relate with similar events that happened in my life when I would go on over-night solo trips into the Whistler backcountry and ski big lines. Doing things like that you certainly get a whole new awareness of life, as you feel the responsibility every move you make when you need to be self reliant. You sound like a really smart person, don't let the world get you down.
I'll throw you my contact information if you need someone to talk to ... I've gone through this kind of thing before and life is good today.
The abyss is deep and on all sides, but you can ignore it.
Zero Stress, NOTHING is worth it.
Stress can bang on the door, but dont let it in
nothing.
Zero Stress, NOTHING is worth it.
Stress can bang on the door, but dont let it in
nothing.
Ripe is the time for the flight of plight from my mind
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
Thanks for listening, really i mean that. I just needed a sort of catharsis and just needed to let my story out in stream of conciousness, not filter no mediation or anything. I think you can learn the most about yourself by just letting it all out in act of freeassocaition and then coming back to it from a more sober perspective. I like what ski pimp said about how rules are for beginers. that seems so true because if you play by the rules you might never see the other side of life or even really ever find yourself because in reality you are just conditioned by the rules of others, it seems like a death of individuality. when i tried to divorce myself from the conditioned response it almost fucking killed me, thats why i think its important to have some sort of rational perspective on things that can use logic and ethics to make sense of situation. i really agree with ski pimp that the keys to self confidence come with the ability to be honest and loyal and have the will power to say no, and also accepting that as creative intelectuals sometimes our voices and thoughts may be to radical to be accepted from the mainstream but not be afraid of rejection. Individuality and freedom comes at price, and inorder to find truth i truely believe you need to explore and challenge yourself. and whats you find truth and accept truth and then there is nothing more to fear and you will be awarded the paradise of complete self confidence. You are who you are, you are doing your best to cultivate your talents, are responsible for your own actions with out blaming others and you have some underlying rubic for existence to make sense of it all, or i guess you could call it ethical standards. well i know im still growing and that desire for thantos will probaly always be there but for now i feel much more grounded and i have taken a step back from my crude experiment with this thing they call a life.
good look on your journeys!
Kriple Krew
good look on your journeys!
Kriple Krew
this story seems eerily similar to my own.
actually exactly.
I can only therefore deduce that Since life is energy, and beings controlled by thoughts, made of pure energy, can affect the energy around them, and since things are transmitted (ideas are powerful analogy) through people en masse, there is a high probability of a human consciousness which anyone with Empathy can tap into.
Some aren't affected because they can not relate (Most Lawyers)
I cry reading the morning paper.
Regularly.
I actually feel stronger after.
The Chinese said it : "I am stronger than you. I have suffered more."
we have to suffer somehow, it is a part of being alive. No matter what kind of life you have, you will find a way to suffer. And you will find a way to be happy.
No matter how brutal or short your life is.
Or where you were born.
Or live.
No matter what you do.
"As fate would have it i almost fell to my death many times but my will survive kept me going and i reached the top of the mountain. It there on the top of this majestic statement of nature that i reached a higher level of consciousness and i became consumed with this strange euphoric feeling of lightness and unlimited optimism. I really thought i was going to start some cult religion and set people free from the shackles of their cognitive slumbers. I also thought that this feeling was a sign from the devine that i wasnt ready to die and my plug would be pulled on another hour. So with the help of my new feeling i became a new man, a rebirth a strange awakening, i became a dangerous thing in this world.......... absolutely fearless."
Join the club - the human consciousness.
No worries, remember the High HIghs, the Low Low's.
Its the price you pay for experiencing life in its entirety!
actually exactly.
I can only therefore deduce that Since life is energy, and beings controlled by thoughts, made of pure energy, can affect the energy around them, and since things are transmitted (ideas are powerful analogy) through people en masse, there is a high probability of a human consciousness which anyone with Empathy can tap into.
Some aren't affected because they can not relate (Most Lawyers)
I cry reading the morning paper.
Regularly.
I actually feel stronger after.
The Chinese said it : "I am stronger than you. I have suffered more."
we have to suffer somehow, it is a part of being alive. No matter what kind of life you have, you will find a way to suffer. And you will find a way to be happy.
No matter how brutal or short your life is.
Or where you were born.
Or live.
No matter what you do.
"As fate would have it i almost fell to my death many times but my will survive kept me going and i reached the top of the mountain. It there on the top of this majestic statement of nature that i reached a higher level of consciousness and i became consumed with this strange euphoric feeling of lightness and unlimited optimism. I really thought i was going to start some cult religion and set people free from the shackles of their cognitive slumbers. I also thought that this feeling was a sign from the devine that i wasnt ready to die and my plug would be pulled on another hour. So with the help of my new feeling i became a new man, a rebirth a strange awakening, i became a dangerous thing in this world.......... absolutely fearless."
Join the club - the human consciousness.
No worries, remember the High HIghs, the Low Low's.
Its the price you pay for experiencing life in its entirety!
Ripe is the time for the flight of plight from my mind
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
What do you think about posting this in the n.s gabber, and getting some more perspectives? It's worth reading and sharing.
Ripe is the time for the flight of plight from my mind
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
to escape the array of city bourne decay
bulemic, anemic, pesse-sqeemic
"in the mornings my penis rises up like a pheonix
Sometimes Im ashamed of humanity, saddened by all the failed potential. Other times, i am inspired, full of hope and faith, proud to be here now, to be apart of the struggle alongside you. It seems I never stay in one state of mind or the other, but constantly bounce from one to the other.
The High Highs, and the Low Lows
